"Be Kind, Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle" - Rev John Watson

"Even You"- Glennon Doyle Melton

Caution: This blog is the most painful and vulnerable blog I have ever written. I didn't even know it needed to be written until yesterday. But when you feel moved to write about something you write about it. I am publishing it in hope that is will accomplish 2 things: 1- Provide help for anyone who is going through Shame, Abuse, etc. and 2- So the people who know me may understand me better. 

I have the full backing of Tim, Patcee, Emily, and James. Who all love me dearly!! I am so grateful for them. This blog is full of family secrets, and if you know my family you will know who I am talking about immediately. It needs to be stated that the person in question is now a paranoid schizophrenic. Although when the events below took place that diagnosis had not yet been made. Last but not least I am the same person I was before you read this blog, so essentially don't start treating me weird!! Read at your own risk.

When I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by an uncle that was only 5 years older than me. That will surprise some but not others. I hardly ever talk about it and for long periods of time, I forget completely about it. It happened to me on and off until I was 14 years old at which point I became strong enough to stop it. But the damage was done. Here is what that damage looks like:

1-Shame: I was completely convinced it was my fault. Being the older of two girls with a 7 year gap in age I was raised and told every day how smart I was, how mature I was, and tall. These were my labels; smart, mature, tall. So someone who is so smart, so mature must be able to stop themselves from being molested right? Right! So from that moment on I was a fraud, I was damaged, and completely unloved by God. I was not going to heaven when I died. I was unworthy and broken and worst of all I was carrying around a secret that was making me sick in my soul.

2- Risky Sexual Behavior: Damaged and broken girls who are carrying around secrets lose all of their self-worth. I was a mess of self-loathing. Which lead to other risky behavior because, why did it matter? Nobody who was anybody good would want me now. So I engaged in sexual activity with anyone who wanted to. That was the only validation I would get from men. These boys, these men just wanted to use me and throw me away. I was fine with that because I was getting the high of being wanted, and I certainly would not have stayed with me either- so this arrangement worked out for both parties. This led to a very painful sexually transmitted disease that I had to have surgery for when I was just 18. I remember my poor father sitting in the recovery room waiting for me, making sure I was okay when I came out of surgery. I can only imagine the absolute worry for me he had, and how surreal that experience must have been. That ultimately lead to a hysterectomy at just 37 - thankfully I was able to have each of my amazing children first!!

3- Drugs and alcohol: When you are walking around hiding shame all the time - getting stoned or drinking is an awesome escape. You can find places in your mind that you can access that allow you push those feeling down deep. You also find others of like broken-ness and that is where you feel most comfortable. Your family that loves you and can't understand what is happening ceases to feel like home and becomes instead a giant mirror reflecting how unworthy and hopeless your situation is. I hated being at home. I hated seeing them want so much for me, to be told how much potential I had when I knew if they knew, they would never love me again. I gave zero credit to my family, because after all, remember, it was all my fault. I have been completely depressed and borderline addicted to drugs at one point in my life. It took a small stay at a hospital to get me back in balance.

4-Food and Bulimia: I also turned to food to fill the giant hole in my heart. I would literally look at the menu and think how much can I eat without it looking like I am eating too much. While I was in junior high and high school and for a while after I would control this piece with purging. I was a master of vomit and could do it on command. It was awful, having eaten too much I would feel pained and then just a moment to steal away to the bathroom and out it would be. I would feel powerful for a moment having controlled it. This particular item had lasting effects. 1st from all the stomach acids over all those years I have been diagnosed with Barrett's syndrome which is a pre-curser to esophageal cancer. This requires specific monitoring to make sure it doesn't progress into cancer. The 2nd was eventually losing my battle with food and bulimia and needing to get back some control in my life I opted for very painful (but so worth it) gastric bypass surgery. Which ended my love affair with food altogether - but we needed to break-up anyway. The food wasn't filling my heart it was just slowly killing me.

5- Guilt, Justification, Anger, and Anxiety: Sex is a pleasurable thing. So when I got to an age that the abuse would actually give me sexual pleasure that shame kicked into high gear. I had to come up with reason why I felt that pleasure. I must be in love. So forever more the line was blurred between sex and love. I look back at this now and feel ridiculous.  My little mature 12 year old brain could barely wrap my head around having a period, how did this fit in? I was guiltier and more broken then ever at this point. I often would feel like running away would be a great idea, or maybe if I just never woke up. Some people get depressed, I got angry, and I was completely angry and awful to everyone around me for years. Anger was the thing that allowed me to push people away before they realized I wasn't worthy of their love. I hated them before they hated me. Worst of all it was exhausting - all the guilt, shame, self-loathing which manifested in crazy anxious thoughts running through my head constantly left me literally hanging on by my finger nails off the edge of the emotional cliff all the time.

6-Church and Confession: My secret was safe and sound, locked away until I was 17. My parents were in Hawaii for Christmas and this year Emily and I were old enough to be left alone. I had a car and money, and all was well for the first half of their trip, but then it all turned ugly and awful. The uncle in question, another aunt some of her family, and my grandmother showed up at the house and essentially stormed the castle. They were trying to get the uncle in question to comply with some request. It was something stupid, like a haircut or a counseling session but he was not going to comply. And the argument was taking place right there at my house. Eventually it turned violent with my uncle punching holes in walls and making physical threats. I had Emily to think of, so I grabbed her and loaded her up in my car and took off out of there to get us out of harm’s way. The police were called and all sorts of drama ensued. I was not there for the drama. I think Emily and I went for ice cream, and tried to act like all was well as to not worry her.

I may not have been there for the drama but I was there for the fallout. The uncle was not arrested. There was no home owner at the house to make a complaint. We had all fled or were on vacation. But in an effort to try and explain his behavior and get out of trouble for the day with his mother/my grandmother, he decided to confess his sins against me to her. When I arrived home she was waiting for me. In her head I was responsible as well. I have never in my life felt such humiliation. I had to answer questions and account for what I had stopped from happening to me 3 years prior. The gig was up. I had no choice but to tell my parents - who were blissfully unaware and flying home from Hawaii the next day.

The next day I sat them down and told them, and like a dutiful, mature, and smart girl, I took full responsibility. When I look back at it now, it is a complete fog. I have no idea how I got the words out. That was followed by a trip to the Bishop who made me account in humiliating and painful detail again - He was full of questions about my sexual pleasure. I lied, I just lied and lied and kept taking responsibility. When all was said and done I was supposed to be forgiven, clean again. I wasn't clean again, I felt more broken and less loved by God than I had ever felt. I was done with the Mormon Church in that moment. Done, FOREVER.

Calm down everyone I don't blame the church at all!! I gave that up years ago!! But God and I are not square yet (we have a few items we are working on) and we never may be, and that is okay!! I have it handled.

So - What changed?

When I was 19 I was stoned out of my mind, and drunk after attending a Crosby, Steels and Nash concert at the state fairgrounds in Arizona. A knock came at the door and there was Jay. Jay was friend of a boy that really liked me. I have no idea what that boys name was, but he and I had, had a couple make-out sessions and in one of them the boy farted. I grew up in a very formal family, and for the life of me I could not get over the fart. It just ruined any chance he had with me from there on out. So in an effort to try and get me back he would often send up his much cuter buddy Jay to lure me down to the fart guys apartment for a beer. A few times it worked and I would go down, but then the cuter Jay would disappear and I would be left with fart boy.

This time the ploy was not going to work. And so when Jay suggested we go downstairs, I said the following (it is amazing what you will say when you are stoned and drunk) "Listen, I don't like your friend, I am never going to like your friend, but I think you are cute, so if you want to stay, that works for me, and if not, oh well, but I am not going with you down to his apartment!" Jay stayed. A one night stand ensued the product of which is my most beloved son Keaton.

Keaton saved my life!! He loved me and I loved him, and nothing from my secret past or my past transgressions could change that. If all else fell completely apart we had each other. It was the first time in a very long time I allowed myself to feel love as big and loves is, and receive it the same way.

Now, let's be clear, it's not like a magic pill. I still went on to drug and drink, mostly drug but my sexually risky behavior went away completely. I did marry a man who could not hold down a job for more than 3 months at a go, the entire time we were married (14 years) and was a raging alcoholic who hit me from time to time. And I put up with it, because I still had shame, I still had guilt. I deserved this man. But, two of the biggest loves of my life came from that union, Kennedy and Jackson. But I wasn't a positive person. I was jaded and hard. I had a temper like you would not believe. I could and would rage like a mad woman at the drop of a hat. Now I wasn't just angry about my past, but angry about my husband. I actually had a migraine headache for almost 2 years at the end of that relationship.

For my ex father-in-laws 65th birthday we decide to give him a sky diving gift certificate. When the day came we all went out to watch him jump out of the plane.
While he was getting prepped the owner of the place saddled up to me and almost whispered in my ear. "You should do it too" never one to turn down a challenge I said cheerfully "Ok" just 45 minutes later. I was literally up in the air around 13 thousand feet with a total stranger strapped to my back. It is one of those things where you are standing in the doorway and the expert yells in your ear "We go on three. 1, 2" you never hear the three. You simply realize that you are free falling turning and twisting and watching a perfectly good plane fly away, as you free fall for 2 straight minutes. Until the ground is getting closer and closer and you are sending mental telepathy messages in your head that say "Um, we should open the shoot now, now would be good, no really, now? Okay this is getting serious open the shoot!! Open the shoot!" And just when you think all is lost. The expert opens that shoot. Whew!!!!

A crazy thing happened that day. I decided if I could jump out of a plane I could do anything! And so I decided that a divorce was needed. No longer did I deserve this alcoholic with his promises of change, and promises of this time he would keep the job. No longer would I be afraid that he would hit me or Keaton in a fit of rage. I was free, and if I was free from that, maybe I could be free from all of it. The guilt, the shame, the worthless thoughts, and the constant justifications of why my life was the way it was. The pretending everything was fine when it was clearly not fine. Keaton had saved my life, but Sky Diving had saved my soul.

Not to long after the divorce was final I met James. I was dating a few other men at the time, but none of them were marriage material, and this time I was absolutely determined to marry a good man!! I deserved that, my children deserved that. We met on a slightly blind date at the Olive Garden. He was much taller than I expected but he was a gentleman from top to bottom, and when he opened the door for me with one hand and put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me through the restaurant. I knew, it just knew, I was going to marry this man. He was absolutely the opposite of everything I thought I wanted but I could feel it in my bones, he was a good man. We spent most the evening talking about his family. How strange is that? His sister had put a family calendar out, and he took it out, and walked my through each of the pictures and how much he loved each and every member of his family. I thought to myself - oh dear!! This is it!! Damn it!! I didn't even get to have much fun single time. And 6 months later we were married!! And guess what - He is the best man I have ever known (well along with my dad, and a few others) Keaton saved my life, Skydiving saved my soul, and James saved my heart!

Okay - because I am a silver linings kind of gal - here are some gifts that came out of that terrible thing that happened to me:

1-I am generally completely in touch with others emotional pain. I really can feel it almost a mile away. It pains me, and because I know what it is like I want nothing more than to move them through it. It is the same for shame. Shame will eat you alive and when I feel someone who is feeling shame I like to think I can be told anything without judging them. People make mistakes; people have terrible things happen to them. For nearly 20 years I was a victim of shame, if I can help anyone through and out of it, I have to, it is almost a compulsion.

2- I have radar for sexual predators like you would not believe!!! My children have been schooled in what to look for from the word go. They have also been taught to listen to their intuition. Intuition, the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to call it is number one gift we are born with!! Talking about it, listening to it, encouraging your children your spouse, your friends to trust it, is the best advice you can ever give. It doesn't happen when you suddenly turn 8 it happens the moment you can reason, and should be exercised every single day!!

3- At my home everything is talked about, everything. Even if it uncomfortable or embarrassing we talk about it. We also have a motto coined by my wonder twin brother Travis "Secrets give you Cancer" yes, I realize that cancer comes from many different places but at our house for our family it starts with Secrets! Secrets and Shame go hand in hand. So we have a no secret policy. Because we all want to be as clear of shame as much as possible!!

There are probably more, but this blog is pretty long and I think I will wrap it up here. The good news is I have forgiven. The good news is my family still loves me like crazy. The good news is I came through the other side and probably the best news is - I love me!!

If this blogs helps anyone else - yay me, yay them!!

Much Love XOXO - Jenn

10 Rules to Being a Good Parent and Raising Good Kids

This is a new blog series I am trying out – So here is the first rule, with a set-up for why I will be blogging about this for the next 10 sessions.

Yesterday Kennedy came home from school, as she often does, with a story about a particular classmate or friend that is going through something horrible in a specific relationship.  I listen, as I usually do – and at the end of these conversations the question is always asked –“Do her parents know about this?” It reminds me of the movie Hook – When the little girl shouts at Captain Hook as they are leaving Never land “You need a Mother, very, very Badly!!”  This leads Kennedy and me to a discussion about “good kids” and so Kennedy and I tried to name all the “good kids” we know. Here are the criteria:

-          Must be true to their values (whatever those may be)

-          Must give their talents 100% of their effort

-          Must be able to sit quietly when they need to – without electronics

-          Must be able to interact and talk with adults

-          Must be respectful to their parents, teacher, and leaders/coaches

-          Must say Please, and Thank You – without being reminded 85% of the time

-          Must surround themselves with other good kids and friends

-          Must be a leader of “doing the right thing” – even when it isn’t popular

-          Must be tough and not complain or whine or cry about silly things in public

I realize this list seems pretty basic – and you would think the number of “good kids” would simply roll off our tongues with ease. But here is the thing – We had a pretty hard time coming up with 10 good kids. The top 5 no problem – and surprisingly we both thought of the same kids. So we tried an experiment we asked James the same question – out of the blue, without the benefit of the previous discussion – He named all of the same kids – and was only able to bring 2 additional that we hadn’t thought of, to the table.

Now – Here is the disclaimer – I am not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. My children are not perfect – We have our fair share of drama, fights, calls from the school, calls from other parents, embarrassing situations, counseling, inappropriate behavior, etc. It takes tremendous work to raise good kids – but despite our massive short comings -We have developed a set of rules to guide our parenting – and maybe because Mother’s Day is just around the corner, or because I haven’t blogged very much lately – or frankly I am fed-up with problem children – who just need a mother (and father) very, very badly – Here are my rules. Take them or leave them, for what you will.

1- Responsibility: I have not been to a parent teacher conference for Kennedy since the 7^th grade. I went, because I thought I was supposed to. I stood in line, I made my way to the front and when I spoke to each teacher they would ask me, why I was there? I would say “Well, aren’t you suppose to tell me about Kennedy?” and they would say –“She has an A, she does her work on time, she is respectful, what else would you like to know?” Seven times we went through this same conversation that day.  And after I said to her – “Guess what Kid, from now on, you own your grades!” and I haven’t been back since. And guess what happened – she owned her grades. She now goes to parent teacher conference on her own.  As you can imagine this throws off her teachers who would like to know “Where are your parents?”  She always smiles and tell them that she is responsible for her own grades, and that I am not planning on attending class or doing her homework – So, do they have anything they would recommend she work on or areas that they feel she should give more attention too? And they are free to give her feedback. Now I must say – that should Kennedy fail a class, or do less than her best work – This arrangement may change –but as long as she continues to be responsible, I continue to trust, and hence next month she will be graduating from High School with an advanced diploma. Kennedy loves to be in ownership and responsible for her own life. Even though sometimes that means she has to do scary things (pick a college, travel and study abroad alone, manage her money, etc.)  That other parents do for their children.

Next a responsibility story about Jackson. Jackson as everyone knows is a baseball player with a capital B. He loves baseball from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He has been lucky enough to have some pretty amazing coaches and mentors throughout his tenure as a ball player. Last year we were down in Saint George at a baseball tournament. This particular game was against the Horns. We were behind and needed 4 runs to tie the game and keep going. When Jackson got up to bat, the bases were loaded. And Jackson was given the sign by Dusty  to “take a pitch” – What this means in baseball is that no matter what happens when that ball come down the pipe from the pitcher to catcher – you just watch it go by, you don’t swing, no matter how good it is!! Jackson saw the sign, he knew he what he was supposed to do, and then in a moment of pure ego – he simply decided to ignore it.

 When that ball came down the pipe – He swung as hard as he could – Foul Ball hard left. I could see the look in Dusty, Rod, and James’s eyes. They were out of their minds angry!!! They depend on Jackson to do the right thing – which is whatever they decide he is going to do – and he had blatantly ignored them. They all threw their hands up and with a “What are you doing?” look – and he knew in that moment – he had let them down. The next pitch comes in beautiful, and Jackson turns on it sending it out to the right/center fence – A triple – scoring 3 and giving us a chance. I know in the end we lost the game, but all the fans were” high as a kite” on Jackson’s hit. Jackson was high – thinking for moment that a triple would take away the responsibility of the ignored sign.

After every game the team is rounded up by the coaches and they go to a distant spot in the field to have a team meeting. Parents do not hover nearby at these meetings – For they are between the players and the coaches – Generally they are fairly positive and point out all the great stuff that happened in the game, and occasionally they have major scolding’s, for lack of focus or sloppy play. In this meeting – One of the coaches actually called out Jackson and told him, if he ever did that again he would be off the team. Later in the car, Jackson “got it” coming and going from James and I – we had a huge discussion on respect and responsibility, and how being a member of a team meant it wasn’t always about you. How the coaches know best – and he owed them both a huge apology – because we doubted they even wanted him to play for them anymore. (Yes, we laid it on a little thick) So Jackson decided that he wanted to call and apologize right then. So James got out his cell phone –and through tears he could barely contain. Jackson called both Rod and Dusty and apologized. Owned up to what he did to both of them. Told them he would never let it happen again, and that he hoped that they would accept his apology and let him still play for the Chasers.

Both of Rod and Dusty could not have been kinder to Jackson. They both assured him that no matter what they loved him. Jackson respects these men so much, that this assurance was like the release of a pressure value as tears poured from his eyes and he listened as they both thanked him for owning up to his mistake, and for taking responsibility.  They told him they admired his bravery, and that they appreciated the call – which they both knew, was extremely difficult for Jackson to make.  

It seems like a small moment, an ignored sign, in a ball game, of 9 year olds. But it was actually a pivotal moment for Jackson. This moment, this taking responsibility, is something that sticks with him every single day. Now – I can tell you he certainly hasn’t been perfect since that day – But what I do have now is a kid who is generally first to admit he blew it, he made the mistake, he is sorry, he is responsible.  

So folks who are reading this blog, I encourage you to make your children responsible. And here is a list of the upcoming topics we will cover in this series:

-          Be their Best Friend and Worst Enemy

-          Find and Develop their Talents

-          See Your Children for who they really are

-          Develop their Inner Voice

-          Give them the Most Opportunities

-          Treat them as Adults/Expect More

-          Introduce New things and Different Cultures

-          Freak Out about the Small Stuff, so it never becomes the big stuff

-          Discuss Everything!!

Much Love - Jenn

To Kennedy on Her 18th Birthday

This is going to sound like a confession to some, it isn’t a confession – It is the truth , in all its unflattering glory.

It is incredibly difficult to be my child. Well Jackson would not share that assessment, but Keaton and Kennedy – and even Jorri would say - being my child is probably harder than most anything else in their lives. I demand perfection. I watch movies like – The Devil wears Prada – and I am the devil. I have no tolerance for anything less than perfect. My version of perfect. What’s worse – I don’t have the patience to explain what perfect is to my children, they simply must divine it, out from the clues that they should be picking up, as they watch me sprint through my life.

It’s Kennedy’s birthday today. She turns 18. She is no longer my baby, and frankly has not been for a very long time. For she had the misfortune of being born in a time in my life where I did not like children – I still don’t  - unless you are particularly pretty, or smart, or have some amazing talent or amusing trait. When she was born I could not wait for her to grow up, so I could deal with her. And so grow up she did. She has probably been 18 since she was 8 years old. That was the year I decided we were done with toys, so I boxed them all up – never to be seen again. I know – I look back at that and think – how dreadful.

Kennedy was the most beautiful baby in the world. Truly – people would say – “I want to hold the pretty baby” but her temper was mine. When mothers say to their daughters “I hope you get a child just like you” – well it worked, at least at first – I could not even take her out to grocery shop without her throwing a fit and attempting to kill strangers who tried to sooth the miserable child. Keaton to this day has a scare on his hand he got from Kennedy when she was a baby. I would call my mother and cry and say “I think this baby needs an exorcism”. My mother knew and understood – and would try to console me with kind words of “It won’t always be this way” We used to put her to bed at 6:00 in the afternoon. Our neighbors would say – Where is the daughter you lock in the basement ?(her room was in the basement)  They were joking – it wasn’t a joke – she was in the basement – to give her mother a reprieve until tomorrow.

But then when Kennedy was about 4 years old – there was a miracle that occurred – She had what my mother and I like to describe as a personality transplant. She became a very sweet and loving girl. It literally happened overnight – it took awhile for us to trust it was even happening  - we held our collective breath, until one day, we began to trust it. It is this Kennedy who toughed it out being my child. Being my child means you deal with being told the absolute brutal truth all the time. Which means, I don’t tell you what a great job you did at dancing, if you really can’t dance, or what a fantastic soccer player you are, if you can’t play soccer – there is no positive reinforcement for something you did not do well. It should be said for the record – James is the absolute opposite of me – He never fails to find the positive – I fail all the time.

Kennedy is amazing in spite of having me as a mother. Kennedy is willing to try and fail, and try again. She is the girl who sits by the kid at lunch that doesn’t have anyone to sit by. She is the one who notices pain in others and tries to ease it. She is the confidant and counselor of many. She is a warrior for right, not the religious, dogma created right, the right of “What is the right thing to do right now?” Right! She is Brave with a capital “B” – She talks to strangers, she asks for what she wants, She walks on Fire!!

She is smart, the kind of smart that comes with really earning it, the kind that overcomes dyslexia to take harder classes, to pass AP exams at a higher level, to debate both sides of an issue – and win. She is the kind of smart that is published. She is the kind of smart that sees her future and makes decisions to support her goals. She is smart enough to see her potential and work it. She is everything I could have been at her age, and wasn’t.

Kennedy is charitable, she has a heart the size of Texas – She can’t stand for someone to have their heart broken, or their dreams unfulfilled. She will plead the case, ask for the donation, go out on the limb, because she knows she has everything – and can give, and serve and inspire – so she does. She visits, and laughs, and teaches.

Kennedy is funny, laugh your guts out funny. She will talk in accents, tell a story, walk us through – hit the punch line. She is goofy and willing to laugh at herself. She has phrases, and facial expressions, she will do the embarrassing thing, and laugh when she screws up.

She is without a doubt the best sister ever!! She will lug the equipment, sit in the stands, run to the store for team treats, cheer her head off, care about every player, pick up, drop off, console, celebrate, and support every single sport that Jackson plays. She also helps with homework, and explains the problem,  She is the “life support team” for Keaton – who may need something shipped, or to be driven or to be picked up – not only that, she worships her brothers, who she would defend to the death if needed.

She is the type of granddaughter that will drop what she is doing to go help with a Party, or gardening, or a technology issue – She is interested and curious about everything. She adores her grandparents, she is their buddy, their go to gal, their – let’s bring Kennedy along – they enjoy her too. She takes care of their feelings and praises them, and thanks them in just the right moments. She is grateful to be their grand daughter – They ground her to who she is, she is theirs!

But most of all – She is my daughter! An extension of my soul, my best reflection.  I was laying in bed this morning pondering this day – This day she came to me – The gift of her – The luck I had at getting the best daughter, the one I would choose again, and again, and again. And  my heart broke – because she is no longer mine – All done, all perfect!

I love You Kennedy – I am so excited for the rest of your life to begin – It will be Amazing, because you are Amazing, and that is what happens to Amazing People like You!!

-          Love ,Mom

When you wish upon a Star.....

When I was a child, one of my favorite books was From the Mixed up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frankwiler. In the book Claudia, a particularly precocious child, takes her brother and runs away to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in New York City. Claudia chooses this location because, not only will she get away from her parents, but it will afford her the opportunity to learn, and see art from around the world. At one point in the book – The kids are running low on cash, and also in desperate need of a bath – So when the museum is closed, and the coast is clear – they take a bath in the museum fountain.  Upon entering the fountain – their toes uncover to their delight pennies, nickels, dimes, etc. The wishes of people who had thrown their change in the fountain. They will eat well that day.

I had the opportunity to spend several hours with 2 other orphans. These two are both 13 year old girls. One – the blond pictured above – We will call her Sweetie, and the other we will call Lanie. These two girls have spent the first week in the US with a host family – that was comprised of a single mom, who could not spend a lot of time with them, because she was working to support her family. Saturday – they were moved to a new host family. But for a few hours yesterday – they were all mine.

I am going to take a moment and tell you why I think America – at least the one I experience, is the best country in the whole world. We are bombarded by messages, all day, every day – that tell us we can achieve anything we set our minds to. Our teachers tell us this in school, our parents echo it in our ears while we grow up, Nike tells us – Nothing is impossible, and Just do it – We are programed every day to believe that our lives are in our control. We just need will and determination coupled with focus and hard work. We American’s do our part, and believe it! We believe it so much, that we manifest it in our lives. We become great things, we have a standard of living, and we simply don’t accept that anything less is going to happen.

I have found that this is not the same for my orphans. The two girls I spent Saturday with, came to me, in a timid state. Still very apprehensive about their time here, not feeling comfortable yet.  They were still scared to death. It broke my heart to see them this way, especially since my two Toli’s have spent the last week blooming!!! So without too much talk we headed to the mall.

We went to Southtowne – On one end of that mall there is a large fountain.  The fountain is just like any other fountain in America – full of shiny coins. Lanie looked at the fountain and in Russian said to Sweetie something to the effect of “Look at all that money” Sweetie’s eyes widen and she gaped at the money as well. For we have so much in America – that we think nothing of throwing perfectly good money in a fountain. I caught this interchange – and Kennedy and I grabbed a few quarters and with Zhenya translating explained the money was actually wishes, wishes that when you threw money in the fountain might come true.” Here” – we said “Close your eyes and wish for something you really want. When you have the wish clear in your mind, throw the coin in the fountain” Each girl took this task seriously. Taking the coin, closing their eyes, concentrating like crazy – and then tossing the coin into the fountain.

Now – It was my turn to try and make their dreams come true, at least a little. They had never been to a hair salon before. They had never felt the pleasure of having your hair washed. Never had a professional haircut. They were completely fearful, and guarded. With Zhenya paving the way with words of encouragement – the girls looked through books and each picked a picture of how they would like to have their haircut, taking the leap of faith, and putting themselves in the vulnerable position of getting their first haircut.

Sweetie went first, absolutely leaning in, enjoying every moment of getting her hair washed. It was perhaps the most luxurious feeling ever. Sweetie has very thick hair, and after what seemed like forever cutting, she was ready to be blown dry, fluffed, and sprayed. She turned around to see her reflection in a mirror with complete delight. She looked transformed, cute really, and sassy just like you imagine a little blond girl should look.

Lanie went next – she was still unsure, and I think a little more guarded about the experience. Lanie looks to have had a harder life. She is one of many children in her family. She has a sister that is 15 that is living in a completely separate orphanage. She has many older brothers and sisters, and a mother that is still living. None of them have come for her. They are all slaves to drugs and alcohol. Their rights to their daughter and sister terminated long ago. She is losing her hope. I was on a mission yesterday to try and give some of it back to her.  As she came back from the shampoo bowl, she still had a concerned look on her face. I am sure both the girls think I am crazy, because every time they look at me, I am smiling and encouraging with nods, and happy eyes.

The gentleman cutting her hair goes to work, with her back to the mirror. Cutting off years of dead ends, cutting away some of the lost hope, disappointment, and heart break – until after the last spray, tweak, and comb – he turns Lanie around to reveal her, to herself. Lanie can barely believe what is looking back at her through the mirror. Is this really her? Her hands fly up to her face – in shock and elation – her eyes welling up in tears. And in broken English exclaims – Thank You, Thank you!!!  I use my Google translate and tell her something I think only now, must be an American attitude – With a new haircut, anything is possible!!

We spend the rest of our time together shopping at Forever 21, which was met with the same gapping expression and smiles the size of the Grand Canyon – With each girl feeling like Cinderella at the ball. I left them in the very capable hands of my aunt Debbie – who was going to fulfill Sweeties biggest desire, which was to eat in a restaurant.  They still have 2 weeks left in the states – 2 weeks of hoping their wish to find a family comes true.

If you are looking to help in someway - Please contact me
jpowersjohnson@gmail.com


Much Love - Jenn



PS: 10/13/2013 - Good News Update!!!! Both of the girls in this blog found homes and have been adopted and are back in America. The extra bonus miracle was when the family that adopted Lanie (real name Olena) went to Ukraine to her up - They found out that she had a sister that was available to be adopted as well. That family went to the orphanage and met her - Love at first sight - and they adopted her two. So let's be clear - because you forwarded my blog 3 teenage girls have been saved - You did it!!!

A Love Letter to Zhenya - Please read and Pass Along

I have everything!! What can I do? What can you do?

My heart has been quite literally bursting since yesterday. Yesterday I agreed to be a host family for 2 of 15 Ukrainian orphans, who are coming to Utah from July 20^th – August 12^th to find a family to adopt them. These children are ages 6 to 15. If they stay in the Ukraine – they will not find a family.  Instead the following is much more likely:

-          At the age of 16 - all of them will be put out of the orphanage –“graduated” from the program. They will not have an education, they will not find a job, they will not be set-up in a place to live, or be given food to eat. They will go from having a bleak existence, to a battle for their very survival. 

-          10% of these kids will commit suicide by their 18^th birthday.  

-          60% of the girls will end up in prostitution to survive. 

-          70% of the boys will enter a life of crime. 

-          Only 20% will find work. 

-          These are the kids that human traffickers target and exploit. 

I agreed to host in a moment of “ pleasing”- I do that - agree to help someone out- there is a tone in their voice that sounds a certain way, I am a sucker for it. I agree to things without thinking about the cost. But there is always a cost – sometimes financially – but generally there is an emotional cost.

It was like that yesterday – the tone, the agreeing without thinking – I didn’t even run it past James. Funny how - The right thing to do, just is - The right thing to do.

After I agreed to host – I had a moment to let it settle in. Wait!! – Who was I hosting? Did they speak English, how does this all work? I turned to the only resource for this information I could think of Zhenya (prounouced Jen-Ya) She had been one of these orphans, and a little over 3 years ago was adopted by my aunt and uncle. I immediately contacted her and this was her story:

She had been living in the orphanage for 2 years, after several years in foster type care. Both her mother and father were dead. It’s not important how they died, let’s just say it wasn’t in a manner that makes you sympathetic to their cause. She has an older sister who is living on her own, a grandmother, a grandfather, an aunt – none of them stepped up to take this girl. She was, at the ripe old age of 8, on her own.

One day, when Zhenya was 12, she was called into the office at the orphanage and told that she and a group of orphans had earned a fieldtrip to Keiv!! My goodness that was exciting. She had never been to Keiv before. They were told they would leave the next day, and to pack a few things. When I say a few things – what I mean is - this is a girl who had never had a new pair of shoes, did not have a closet full of clothes – She had what had been donated. What the orphanage gave her. I look in my own closet and see a 100 pair of shoes on display, like in a store – Most of which I never wear, or have never worn. I think to myself – I have everything!

The next day they took the train to Kiev – “oh, how cool is this” – she thinks to herself. The orphans walk the streets of Kiev looking at the tourist sights, and thinking – "this might be as good as life gets." But wait, there is more – That night the director gathers them around and tells them something very unexpected. They are boarding a plane tomorrow bound for America!!  The director goes on to say – "If any of you don’t want to go, you will not be in trouble – you can get back on the train and go back to the orphanage." At this point in the story – I interrupt and ask – Why would they not want to go to America?

Apparently when Zhenya was a little girl, her grandmother had told her that when people go to American – they are essentially kidnapped and sold for body parts, ie: liver, kidney – and to make sure she never went.  She very much had that in the back of her mind – but the siren song of being one of the “coolest kids” at school was too much to turn down. She had visions of walking the halls being “the girl that went to the states” – So she did not get back on the train – and instead embarked on an adventure.

She was the oldest of this group of orphans. They ranged in age from 6-10. With Zhenya coming in at a whopping 12 years old.She had a suspicion this might be an adoption trip – she had seen children go on them before – but Americans like younger children – kids that still have a shot at being fixed – not her, she was too old, too broken. So she thought the joke was on the director – She was going to have a grand trip out of this – and then have that memory when she came back forever.

They landed in San Francisco – late at night, not speaking English, where most of the children found their way into the homes of potentially adoptive parents, for 3 weeks of “getting to know you” time.  This gives the parents a chance to essentially test drive the kid – Make sure they are a good fit, before making a commitment.  I look at my children – who are, by all accounts amazing – none of them were given a test drive prior to being part of our family – and I think - I have everything!!

Zhenya, however is not quite as well planned for as the rest of the orphans – the person who had set up this trip needed to scramble at the last moment, to get someone to take her overnight. She leaves the airport with a stranger – promises from the director that she will not forget her. 48 hours prior she had been in the orphanage in the Ukraine. She is on high alert and scared to death.

The next day a nice woman who has hosted orphans before comes and gets her, and takes her home. The house has labels on the drawers in her native language to tell her what is inside them. She feels more at ease, she doesn’t dare open the drawers. She doesn’t go open the refrigerator – She eats when the woman eats. Later that evening the woman pulls up her laptop and shows her pictures of Debbie and Rob Jolley and their children (this is my aunt and uncle) She cries as she reads her an email in English, and shows her the pictures. Zhenya, who does not understand English - has never seen tears of joy before – she surmizes the people in the picture must be the family of the woman, and perhaps they were killed in a car accident.  This orphan who is too old, and too broken – tries to console the nice woman about her dead family.

Two days later she arrives at Camp – Camp is all the planned activities that the American families have to interact with the orphans in what could be deemed a “natural” environment.  It is a chance to get to know them without a bunch of pressure and expectation. Things like amusement parks, and water slides – the younger orphans are completely sucked in.  The older ones, know exactly what is going on – but who are they to break this magic spell – so they go along. The director constantly telling them – they are not wanted, they are too old, too broken. 

Like I stated before – Zhenya arrives that day at camp to find Debbie, Rob and their oldest daughter Crista, sitting in a room waiting for her. She immediately thinks two things; 1- They look incredibly dressed up and formal. I had to probe this for a moment and asked what they were wearing – She answered - nothing special, it was an attitude, a posture, she had never really seen before, - “very English” and 2- What did they want with her? Quite simply – she could not get her head around why these people – who just a few hours back were the dead family of the woman she was staying with - would fly out to California just to see her?

All the other orphans had things to do, and places to go with their potentially adoptive families – So the director suggests that Zhenya, the director, a translator, Debbie, Rob and Crista spend the day together.  With the safety of people she knew in attendance Zhenya readily agrees – and has one of the best days of her life. They go on a boat ride to Alactraz, and under the Golden gate bridge, they do fun things that tourists do when in San Francisco. It is a practically perfect day.

The following day she arrives at camp – and they tell her she is going to spend that day with the new and strange people alone. No director, no translator. This time she is angry – What are these people trying to pull here? Do they think she is stupid?  She is threatened and cajoled by the director who essentially makes her go with them, making sure she tells her repeatedly, they don’t want you, you are too old, too broken” She is on guard, while trying to act cool and detached.  She enjoys Debbie, can see that Debbie is a nice lady. They shop -buy trinkets and souvenirs.  

At the end of that day they all sit down at a table and discuss how the day went with the translator and director – “Did you have fun?” they ask, Zhenya’s anger comes quickly back. Why are they putting her through this? Why all the questions?  Don’t they know she is too old, too broken? This seems mean now – why do they want her to fly with them back to Utah for a week – What is the motive here – perhaps she is starting to believe her grandmother, and worries about her organs.  In the end my aunt and uncle prevail – and they fly back to Utah to meet the rest of the children in the family.

The next week is spent in what Zhenya would describe as overwhelming attention and activity. Here was a family of strangers who did not speak her language acting like they wanted her desperately to feel welcome and loved. And for her part Zhenya will admit she was positively detached, and suspicious. She was frightened of Rob, whose name she didn’t know, embarrassed by all the attention, and simply could not remember ever being shown love – So she waited for the other shoe to drop, while doing the absolute bare minimum of interaction to get by until she could get back to the orphanage. The orphanage might have been a horrible place where there was no love for her, but at least she knew how to navigate it – This family, this hope, was too much for the orphan who was too old, too broken.

After the week, she and Rob got on a plane and headed back to San Francisco for the rendezvous. Once again she found herself sitting at a table being asked questions. When the time came for Rob to ask the ultimate question – “Did she want to become part of the family?” the director walked around the table – grabbed Zhenya by the arm and took her out of the meeting before she could respond. Once she had her in another room, she scolded her - for the director knew that Zhenya was about to sabotage her chance for a future in an effort to protect her fragile heart. The question went unanswered – The orphans all got back on a plane, and went back to the orphanage. Because just finding a family that wants you isn’t enough, now the real work begins…..(paperwork, money, etc)

I must say, I have a great deal of respect and love for my Aunt Debbie and my Uncle Rob – they combined, probably have one of the largest capacities for love on the planet. For Zhenya is their 6^th adoption.  It is easier, I think to get a child from birth – you can mold them, make them your own. The older ones require love that is willing to be rejected, and keep on loving.  They have undertaken 3 adoptions of children from that region of the world – 3 children who are saved now – who aren’t going to become statistics. Who have a chance, a family, and love. My aunt and uncle are not wealthy people – but instead have shared what they do have with children who have nothing and no one. I think to myself – I have everything!!

7 months later Zhenya is called back to the office at the orphanage for a Dr.’s appointment. Zhenya honestly never thought she would see the Jolley family again. When the director came to the office to get her, she tells Zhenya – When you see the people you are going to see, you better act happy, you better smile, and make them believe that you are thrilled to see them. Zhenya is still unclear who she is seeing – and when she walks in the door that has Debbie and Rob sitting, waiting – she is beyond shocked!! She actually is happy to see them – they kept their promise, they came for her. She was not too old, she was not too broken. They saw past her detachment, and the walls surrounding her fragile heart. They came back!!!

Now the orphans are here again - new ones, that might find families. They are here until August 12th. This group is older than most. With most of the children coming between 12-15 years old, They know what it is like to be without love, to go to bed hungry, to worry about a future that has no hope. These are the children that are too old, and too broken – and they need you, because You Have Everything!!

There is an emotional cost for reading this blog. The cost is now, you know – and you can do something. Maybe for you, doing something is; donating money to help adoptive parents with the cost, maybe it is volunteering to host, maybe it is passing this link to someone with desire to add another member to their family – you may be the link in a chain to a home. But you have everything – So Do Something.

jpowersjohnson@gmail.com

Much Love!! Jenn