This is a new blog series I am trying out – So here is the
first rule, with a set-up for why I will be blogging about this for the next 10
sessions.
Yesterday Kennedy came home from school, as she often does,
with a story about a particular classmate or friend that is going through something
horrible in a specific relationship. I
listen, as I usually do – and at the end of these conversations the question is
always asked –“Do her parents know about this?” It reminds me of the movie Hook
– When the little girl shouts at Captain Hook as they are leaving Never land “You
need a Mother, very, very Badly!!” This
leads Kennedy and me to a discussion about “good kids” and so Kennedy and I
tried to name all the “good kids” we know. Here are the criteria:
-
Must be true to their values (whatever those may
be)
-
Must give their talents 100% of their effort
-
Must be able to sit quietly when they need to –
without electronics
-
Must be able to interact and talk with adults
-
Must be respectful to their parents, teacher,
and leaders/coaches
-
Must say Please, and Thank You – without being
reminded 85% of the time
-
Must surround themselves with other good kids
and friends
-
Must be a leader of “doing the right thing” –
even when it isn’t popular
-
Must be tough and not complain or whine or cry
about silly things in public
I realize this list seems pretty basic – and you would think
the number of “good kids” would simply roll off our tongues with ease. But here
is the thing – We had a pretty hard time coming up with 10 good kids. The top 5
no problem – and surprisingly we both thought of the same kids. So we tried an
experiment we asked James the same question – out of the blue, without the
benefit of the previous discussion – He named all of the same kids – and was
only able to bring 2 additional that we hadn’t thought of, to the table.
Now – Here is the disclaimer – I am not a perfect parent by
any stretch of the imagination. My children are not perfect – We have our fair
share of drama, fights, calls from the school, calls from other parents, embarrassing
situations, counseling, inappropriate behavior, etc. It takes tremendous work
to raise good kids – but despite our massive short comings -We have developed a
set of rules to guide our parenting – and maybe because Mother’s Day is just
around the corner, or because I haven’t blogged very much lately – or frankly I
am fed-up with problem children – who just need a mother (and father) very,
very badly – Here are my rules. Take them or leave them, for what you will.
1- Responsibility:
I have not been to a parent teacher conference for Kennedy since the 7th
grade. I went, because I thought I was supposed to. I stood in line, I made my
way to the front and when I spoke to each teacher they would ask me, why I was
there? I would say “Well, aren’t you suppose to tell me about Kennedy?” and
they would say –“She has an A, she does her work on time, she is respectful, what
else would you like to know?” Seven times we went through this same
conversation that day. And after I said
to her – “Guess what Kid, from now on, you own your grades!” and I haven’t been
back since. And guess what happened – she owned her grades. She now goes to
parent teacher conference on her own. As
you can imagine this throws off her teachers who would like to know “Where are
your parents?” She always smiles and
tell them that she is responsible for her own grades, and that I am not planning
on attending class or doing her homework – So, do they have anything they would
recommend she work on or areas that they feel she should give more attention
too? And they are free to give her feedback. Now I must say – that should
Kennedy fail a class, or do less than her best work – This arrangement may
change –but as long as she continues to be responsible, I continue to trust,
and hence next month she will be graduating from High School with an advanced
diploma. Kennedy loves to be in ownership and responsible for her own life.
Even though sometimes that means she has to do scary things (pick a college,
travel and study abroad alone, manage her money, etc.) That other parents do for their children.
Next a responsibility story about Jackson. Jackson as
everyone knows is a baseball player with a capital B. He loves baseball from
the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He has been lucky enough to have
some pretty amazing coaches and mentors throughout his tenure as a ball player.
Last year we were down in Saint George at a baseball tournament. This
particular game was against the Horns. We were behind and needed 4 runs to tie
the game and keep going. When Jackson got up to bat, the bases were loaded. And
Jackson was given the sign by Dusty to “take
a pitch” – What this means in baseball is that no matter what happens when that
ball come down the pipe from the pitcher to catcher – you just watch it go by,
you don’t swing, no matter how good it is!! Jackson saw the sign, he knew he
what he was supposed to do, and then in a moment of pure ego – he simply
decided to ignore it.
When that ball came
down the pipe – He swung as hard as he could – Foul Ball hard left. I could see
the look in Dusty, Rod, and James’s eyes. They were out of their minds angry!!!
They depend on Jackson to do the right thing – which is whatever they decide he
is going to do – and he had blatantly ignored them. They all threw their hands
up and with a “What are you doing?” look – and he knew in that moment – he had
let them down. The next pitch comes in beautiful, and Jackson turns on it
sending it out to the right/center fence – A triple – scoring 3 and giving us a
chance. I know in the end we lost the game, but all the fans were” high as a
kite” on Jackson’s hit. Jackson was high – thinking for moment that a triple
would take away the responsibility of the ignored sign.
After every game the team is rounded up by the coaches and
they go to a distant spot in the field to have a team meeting. Parents do not
hover nearby at these meetings – For they are between the players and the
coaches – Generally they are fairly positive and point out all the great stuff
that happened in the game, and occasionally they have major scolding’s, for
lack of focus or sloppy play. In this meeting – One of the coaches actually
called out Jackson and told him, if he ever did that again he would be off the
team. Later in the car, Jackson “got it” coming and going from James and I – we
had a huge discussion on respect and responsibility, and how being a member of
a team meant it wasn’t always about you. How the coaches know best – and he
owed them both a huge apology – because we doubted they even wanted him to play
for them anymore. (Yes, we laid it on a little thick) So Jackson decided that
he wanted to call and apologize right then. So James got out his cell phone –and
through tears he could barely contain. Jackson called both Rod and Dusty and
apologized. Owned up to what he did to both of them. Told them he would never
let it happen again, and that he hoped that they would accept his apology and
let him still play for the Chasers.
Both of Rod and Dusty could not have been kinder to Jackson.
They both assured him that no matter what they loved him. Jackson respects
these men so much, that this assurance was like the release of a pressure value
as tears poured from his eyes and he listened as they both thanked him for
owning up to his mistake, and for taking responsibility. They told him they admired his bravery, and
that they appreciated the call – which they both knew, was extremely difficult
for Jackson to make.
It seems like a small moment, an ignored sign, in a ball
game, of 9 year olds. But it was actually a pivotal moment for Jackson. This
moment, this taking responsibility, is something that sticks with him every
single day. Now – I can tell you he certainly hasn’t been perfect since that
day – But what I do have now is a kid who is generally first to admit he blew
it, he made the mistake, he is sorry, he is responsible.
So folks who are reading this blog, I encourage you to make
your children responsible. And here is a list of the upcoming topics we will
cover in this series:
-
Be their Best Friend and Worst Enemy
-
Find and Develop their Talents
-
See Your Children for who they really are
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Develop their Inner Voice
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Give them the Most Opportunities
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Treat them as Adults/Expect More
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Introduce New things and Different Cultures
-
Freak Out about the Small Stuff, so it never becomes
the big stuff
-
Discuss Everything!!
Much Love - Jenn
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