10 Rules to Being a Good Parent and Raising Good Kids

This is a new blog series I am trying out – So here is the first rule, with a set-up for why I will be blogging about this for the next 10 sessions.

Yesterday Kennedy came home from school, as she often does, with a story about a particular classmate or friend that is going through something horrible in a specific relationship.  I listen, as I usually do – and at the end of these conversations the question is always asked –“Do her parents know about this?” It reminds me of the movie Hook – When the little girl shouts at Captain Hook as they are leaving Never land “You need a Mother, very, very Badly!!”  This leads Kennedy and me to a discussion about “good kids” and so Kennedy and I tried to name all the “good kids” we know. Here are the criteria:

-          Must be true to their values (whatever those may be)

-          Must give their talents 100% of their effort

-          Must be able to sit quietly when they need to – without electronics

-          Must be able to interact and talk with adults

-          Must be respectful to their parents, teacher, and leaders/coaches

-          Must say Please, and Thank You – without being reminded 85% of the time

-          Must surround themselves with other good kids and friends

-          Must be a leader of “doing the right thing” – even when it isn’t popular

-          Must be tough and not complain or whine or cry about silly things in public

I realize this list seems pretty basic – and you would think the number of “good kids” would simply roll off our tongues with ease. But here is the thing – We had a pretty hard time coming up with 10 good kids. The top 5 no problem – and surprisingly we both thought of the same kids. So we tried an experiment we asked James the same question – out of the blue, without the benefit of the previous discussion – He named all of the same kids – and was only able to bring 2 additional that we hadn’t thought of, to the table.

Now – Here is the disclaimer – I am not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. My children are not perfect – We have our fair share of drama, fights, calls from the school, calls from other parents, embarrassing situations, counseling, inappropriate behavior, etc. It takes tremendous work to raise good kids – but despite our massive short comings -We have developed a set of rules to guide our parenting – and maybe because Mother’s Day is just around the corner, or because I haven’t blogged very much lately – or frankly I am fed-up with problem children – who just need a mother (and father) very, very badly – Here are my rules. Take them or leave them, for what you will.

1- Responsibility: I have not been to a parent teacher conference for Kennedy since the 7^th grade. I went, because I thought I was supposed to. I stood in line, I made my way to the front and when I spoke to each teacher they would ask me, why I was there? I would say “Well, aren’t you suppose to tell me about Kennedy?” and they would say –“She has an A, she does her work on time, she is respectful, what else would you like to know?” Seven times we went through this same conversation that day.  And after I said to her – “Guess what Kid, from now on, you own your grades!” and I haven’t been back since. And guess what happened – she owned her grades. She now goes to parent teacher conference on her own.  As you can imagine this throws off her teachers who would like to know “Where are your parents?”  She always smiles and tell them that she is responsible for her own grades, and that I am not planning on attending class or doing her homework – So, do they have anything they would recommend she work on or areas that they feel she should give more attention too? And they are free to give her feedback. Now I must say – that should Kennedy fail a class, or do less than her best work – This arrangement may change –but as long as she continues to be responsible, I continue to trust, and hence next month she will be graduating from High School with an advanced diploma. Kennedy loves to be in ownership and responsible for her own life. Even though sometimes that means she has to do scary things (pick a college, travel and study abroad alone, manage her money, etc.)  That other parents do for their children.

Next a responsibility story about Jackson. Jackson as everyone knows is a baseball player with a capital B. He loves baseball from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He has been lucky enough to have some pretty amazing coaches and mentors throughout his tenure as a ball player. Last year we were down in Saint George at a baseball tournament. This particular game was against the Horns. We were behind and needed 4 runs to tie the game and keep going. When Jackson got up to bat, the bases were loaded. And Jackson was given the sign by Dusty  to “take a pitch” – What this means in baseball is that no matter what happens when that ball come down the pipe from the pitcher to catcher – you just watch it go by, you don’t swing, no matter how good it is!! Jackson saw the sign, he knew he what he was supposed to do, and then in a moment of pure ego – he simply decided to ignore it.

 When that ball came down the pipe – He swung as hard as he could – Foul Ball hard left. I could see the look in Dusty, Rod, and James’s eyes. They were out of their minds angry!!! They depend on Jackson to do the right thing – which is whatever they decide he is going to do – and he had blatantly ignored them. They all threw their hands up and with a “What are you doing?” look – and he knew in that moment – he had let them down. The next pitch comes in beautiful, and Jackson turns on it sending it out to the right/center fence – A triple – scoring 3 and giving us a chance. I know in the end we lost the game, but all the fans were” high as a kite” on Jackson’s hit. Jackson was high – thinking for moment that a triple would take away the responsibility of the ignored sign.

After every game the team is rounded up by the coaches and they go to a distant spot in the field to have a team meeting. Parents do not hover nearby at these meetings – For they are between the players and the coaches – Generally they are fairly positive and point out all the great stuff that happened in the game, and occasionally they have major scolding’s, for lack of focus or sloppy play. In this meeting – One of the coaches actually called out Jackson and told him, if he ever did that again he would be off the team. Later in the car, Jackson “got it” coming and going from James and I – we had a huge discussion on respect and responsibility, and how being a member of a team meant it wasn’t always about you. How the coaches know best – and he owed them both a huge apology – because we doubted they even wanted him to play for them anymore. (Yes, we laid it on a little thick) So Jackson decided that he wanted to call and apologize right then. So James got out his cell phone –and through tears he could barely contain. Jackson called both Rod and Dusty and apologized. Owned up to what he did to both of them. Told them he would never let it happen again, and that he hoped that they would accept his apology and let him still play for the Chasers.

Both of Rod and Dusty could not have been kinder to Jackson. They both assured him that no matter what they loved him. Jackson respects these men so much, that this assurance was like the release of a pressure value as tears poured from his eyes and he listened as they both thanked him for owning up to his mistake, and for taking responsibility.  They told him they admired his bravery, and that they appreciated the call – which they both knew, was extremely difficult for Jackson to make.  

It seems like a small moment, an ignored sign, in a ball game, of 9 year olds. But it was actually a pivotal moment for Jackson. This moment, this taking responsibility, is something that sticks with him every single day. Now – I can tell you he certainly hasn’t been perfect since that day – But what I do have now is a kid who is generally first to admit he blew it, he made the mistake, he is sorry, he is responsible.  

So folks who are reading this blog, I encourage you to make your children responsible. And here is a list of the upcoming topics we will cover in this series:

-          Be their Best Friend and Worst Enemy

-          Find and Develop their Talents

-          See Your Children for who they really are

-          Develop their Inner Voice

-          Give them the Most Opportunities

-          Treat them as Adults/Expect More

-          Introduce New things and Different Cultures

-          Freak Out about the Small Stuff, so it never becomes the big stuff

-          Discuss Everything!!

Much Love - Jenn

To Kennedy on Her 18th Birthday

This is going to sound like a confession to some, it isn’t a confession – It is the truth , in all its unflattering glory.

It is incredibly difficult to be my child. Well Jackson would not share that assessment, but Keaton and Kennedy – and even Jorri would say - being my child is probably harder than most anything else in their lives. I demand perfection. I watch movies like – The Devil wears Prada – and I am the devil. I have no tolerance for anything less than perfect. My version of perfect. What’s worse – I don’t have the patience to explain what perfect is to my children, they simply must divine it, out from the clues that they should be picking up, as they watch me sprint through my life.

It’s Kennedy’s birthday today. She turns 18. She is no longer my baby, and frankly has not been for a very long time. For she had the misfortune of being born in a time in my life where I did not like children – I still don’t  - unless you are particularly pretty, or smart, or have some amazing talent or amusing trait. When she was born I could not wait for her to grow up, so I could deal with her. And so grow up she did. She has probably been 18 since she was 8 years old. That was the year I decided we were done with toys, so I boxed them all up – never to be seen again. I know – I look back at that and think – how dreadful.

Kennedy was the most beautiful baby in the world. Truly – people would say – “I want to hold the pretty baby” but her temper was mine. When mothers say to their daughters “I hope you get a child just like you” – well it worked, at least at first – I could not even take her out to grocery shop without her throwing a fit and attempting to kill strangers who tried to sooth the miserable child. Keaton to this day has a scare on his hand he got from Kennedy when she was a baby. I would call my mother and cry and say “I think this baby needs an exorcism”. My mother knew and understood – and would try to console me with kind words of “It won’t always be this way” We used to put her to bed at 6:00 in the afternoon. Our neighbors would say – Where is the daughter you lock in the basement ?(her room was in the basement)  They were joking – it wasn’t a joke – she was in the basement – to give her mother a reprieve until tomorrow.

But then when Kennedy was about 4 years old – there was a miracle that occurred – She had what my mother and I like to describe as a personality transplant. She became a very sweet and loving girl. It literally happened overnight – it took awhile for us to trust it was even happening  - we held our collective breath, until one day, we began to trust it. It is this Kennedy who toughed it out being my child. Being my child means you deal with being told the absolute brutal truth all the time. Which means, I don’t tell you what a great job you did at dancing, if you really can’t dance, or what a fantastic soccer player you are, if you can’t play soccer – there is no positive reinforcement for something you did not do well. It should be said for the record – James is the absolute opposite of me – He never fails to find the positive – I fail all the time.

Kennedy is amazing in spite of having me as a mother. Kennedy is willing to try and fail, and try again. She is the girl who sits by the kid at lunch that doesn’t have anyone to sit by. She is the one who notices pain in others and tries to ease it. She is the confidant and counselor of many. She is a warrior for right, not the religious, dogma created right, the right of “What is the right thing to do right now?” Right! She is Brave with a capital “B” – She talks to strangers, she asks for what she wants, She walks on Fire!!

She is smart, the kind of smart that comes with really earning it, the kind that overcomes dyslexia to take harder classes, to pass AP exams at a higher level, to debate both sides of an issue – and win. She is the kind of smart that is published. She is the kind of smart that sees her future and makes decisions to support her goals. She is smart enough to see her potential and work it. She is everything I could have been at her age, and wasn’t.

Kennedy is charitable, she has a heart the size of Texas – She can’t stand for someone to have their heart broken, or their dreams unfulfilled. She will plead the case, ask for the donation, go out on the limb, because she knows she has everything – and can give, and serve and inspire – so she does. She visits, and laughs, and teaches.

Kennedy is funny, laugh your guts out funny. She will talk in accents, tell a story, walk us through – hit the punch line. She is goofy and willing to laugh at herself. She has phrases, and facial expressions, she will do the embarrassing thing, and laugh when she screws up.

She is without a doubt the best sister ever!! She will lug the equipment, sit in the stands, run to the store for team treats, cheer her head off, care about every player, pick up, drop off, console, celebrate, and support every single sport that Jackson plays. She also helps with homework, and explains the problem,  She is the “life support team” for Keaton – who may need something shipped, or to be driven or to be picked up – not only that, she worships her brothers, who she would defend to the death if needed.

She is the type of granddaughter that will drop what she is doing to go help with a Party, or gardening, or a technology issue – She is interested and curious about everything. She adores her grandparents, she is their buddy, their go to gal, their – let’s bring Kennedy along – they enjoy her too. She takes care of their feelings and praises them, and thanks them in just the right moments. She is grateful to be their grand daughter – They ground her to who she is, she is theirs!

But most of all – She is my daughter! An extension of my soul, my best reflection.  I was laying in bed this morning pondering this day – This day she came to me – The gift of her – The luck I had at getting the best daughter, the one I would choose again, and again, and again. And  my heart broke – because she is no longer mine – All done, all perfect!

I love You Kennedy – I am so excited for the rest of your life to begin – It will be Amazing, because you are Amazing, and that is what happens to Amazing People like You!!

-          Love ,Mom