To my mother on her Birthday....

What to say about my mother. I am not sure if you know this but she is the best mom ever. No really, the best! I would choose her hands down every time. I feel like I want to express something that hasn't been said before but it feels like everyone knows the big stuff.

- But maybe, you don't know this:

Being on a mission has humbled her, humbled beyond what I thought possible. It has smoothed out the sharp edges, her need for perfection is all but gone, and she has grown into a new person, one who is so touched and in tune with all the love and potential around her, she has been opened up like a flower receiving all that rains (some times literally) down on her with an open heart and gratitude. She is a star glowing to everyone around her, a comfortable place to land, a heart to listen, a mom to many without  a mother near; either because of their missions or their life choices. She is in a word "love"to all.

When I was in Brighton during Christmas the Elders and Sisters came by the flat after church on the Sunday just after the holiday. Some missionaries new, some short timers with weeks left to go before their release. They were excited about coming over with a present for my parents. 

Now - Prior to going on a mission - here is the deal and it may seem like I am outing her a little - but my mother has liked/not loved - liked - a grand total of maybe 5 gifts that have been given to her over the last 40 years. Loved is something that is almost impossible to attain. She is by far the hardest person ever to give a present to if you are invested in her real feelings about the gift. Her reaction will be lovely but the people who truly know her, will know immediately how she feels about her gift. Both Kennedy and I suffer from this same problem. Emily somehow did not inherit this but, Emily will almost do anything rather than open gifts in front of people - to avoid the pressure of hurting their feelings or seeming insincere. 

With bated anticipation the missionaries handed the hand wrapped present over to my mother to open. You could see the excitement in their eyes, they were very invested in this gift, they had considered, planned and executed a giant offering. Especially when you consider that these missionaries live on a measly 120.00 English Pounds a month, roughly $225.00 -U.S. for everything, food, clothes, toiletries, everything! 

My mother unwrapped the gift, tears come to my eyes when I think of this moment, inside  the wrapping was a white ceramic bowl, maybe the size of a cereal bowl. Painted on the outside of the bowl in the most childlike fashion were small pictures that represented each of the missionaries. There was a maple leaf for our Canadian missionary, an Elder so poor he had holes in his winter coat, a dark grey  women's coat that had most certainly been left behind by another missionary going home to a more tropical location. There were other designs from the Sister Missionary's that allude me now, but one represented Texas and the other Utah. The  last was from a missionary who was in serious need of parents, his testimony as deep as the ocean, his passion for the work evident with every word, with a broken heart as his parents had recently divorced, he was from San Diego represented by a stick figure surfing a giant ceramic cereal bowl wave. They had in effect given my mother, my parents their hearts!

My hard to please, difficult, perfect, wonderful mother looked upon the bowl with authentic instantaneous love and heartfelt gratitude! You would have thought someone had just given her the Holy Grail. This was, in that moment, the best gift anyone had ever given her. She was thrilled and joyful, and could not wait to throw her arms around each of the missionaries to offer them her most sincere appreciation and love! The Elders and Sisters were given a tremendous gift as well. For that evening their gift was received, their gift was appreciated, their hearts were enough, they were enough!! And believe me, with the amount of rejection those kids go through every single day, this was like water in the desert!

So this is my tribute to my mother on her birthday this year. A witness of sorts. A witness of personal growth, and the knowledge that my mother does nothing but get better each and every year of her amazing service filled life. I aspire to be just like her when I grow up!

I love you mom. I hope your day and year is filled with nothing but great news, growth in your work, friendships that last forever, and love as big as love is!!!

XOXO - Jenn






Sent from my iPad

To Kennedy on Her 18th Birthday

This is going to sound like a confession to some, it isn’t a confession – It is the truth , in all its unflattering glory.

It is incredibly difficult to be my child. Well Jackson would not share that assessment, but Keaton and Kennedy – and even Jorri would say - being my child is probably harder than most anything else in their lives. I demand perfection. I watch movies like – The Devil wears Prada – and I am the devil. I have no tolerance for anything less than perfect. My version of perfect. What’s worse – I don’t have the patience to explain what perfect is to my children, they simply must divine it, out from the clues that they should be picking up, as they watch me sprint through my life.

It’s Kennedy’s birthday today. She turns 18. She is no longer my baby, and frankly has not been for a very long time. For she had the misfortune of being born in a time in my life where I did not like children – I still don’t  - unless you are particularly pretty, or smart, or have some amazing talent or amusing trait. When she was born I could not wait for her to grow up, so I could deal with her. And so grow up she did. She has probably been 18 since she was 8 years old. That was the year I decided we were done with toys, so I boxed them all up – never to be seen again. I know – I look back at that and think – how dreadful.

Kennedy was the most beautiful baby in the world. Truly – people would say – “I want to hold the pretty baby” but her temper was mine. When mothers say to their daughters “I hope you get a child just like you” – well it worked, at least at first – I could not even take her out to grocery shop without her throwing a fit and attempting to kill strangers who tried to sooth the miserable child. Keaton to this day has a scare on his hand he got from Kennedy when she was a baby. I would call my mother and cry and say “I think this baby needs an exorcism”. My mother knew and understood – and would try to console me with kind words of “It won’t always be this way” We used to put her to bed at 6:00 in the afternoon. Our neighbors would say – Where is the daughter you lock in the basement ?(her room was in the basement)  They were joking – it wasn’t a joke – she was in the basement – to give her mother a reprieve until tomorrow.

But then when Kennedy was about 4 years old – there was a miracle that occurred – She had what my mother and I like to describe as a personality transplant. She became a very sweet and loving girl. It literally happened overnight – it took awhile for us to trust it was even happening  - we held our collective breath, until one day, we began to trust it. It is this Kennedy who toughed it out being my child. Being my child means you deal with being told the absolute brutal truth all the time. Which means, I don’t tell you what a great job you did at dancing, if you really can’t dance, or what a fantastic soccer player you are, if you can’t play soccer – there is no positive reinforcement for something you did not do well. It should be said for the record – James is the absolute opposite of me – He never fails to find the positive – I fail all the time.

Kennedy is amazing in spite of having me as a mother. Kennedy is willing to try and fail, and try again. She is the girl who sits by the kid at lunch that doesn’t have anyone to sit by. She is the one who notices pain in others and tries to ease it. She is the confidant and counselor of many. She is a warrior for right, not the religious, dogma created right, the right of “What is the right thing to do right now?” Right! She is Brave with a capital “B” – She talks to strangers, she asks for what she wants, She walks on Fire!!

She is smart, the kind of smart that comes with really earning it, the kind that overcomes dyslexia to take harder classes, to pass AP exams at a higher level, to debate both sides of an issue – and win. She is the kind of smart that is published. She is the kind of smart that sees her future and makes decisions to support her goals. She is smart enough to see her potential and work it. She is everything I could have been at her age, and wasn’t.

Kennedy is charitable, she has a heart the size of Texas – She can’t stand for someone to have their heart broken, or their dreams unfulfilled. She will plead the case, ask for the donation, go out on the limb, because she knows she has everything – and can give, and serve and inspire – so she does. She visits, and laughs, and teaches.

Kennedy is funny, laugh your guts out funny. She will talk in accents, tell a story, walk us through – hit the punch line. She is goofy and willing to laugh at herself. She has phrases, and facial expressions, she will do the embarrassing thing, and laugh when she screws up.

She is without a doubt the best sister ever!! She will lug the equipment, sit in the stands, run to the store for team treats, cheer her head off, care about every player, pick up, drop off, console, celebrate, and support every single sport that Jackson plays. She also helps with homework, and explains the problem,  She is the “life support team” for Keaton – who may need something shipped, or to be driven or to be picked up – not only that, she worships her brothers, who she would defend to the death if needed.

She is the type of granddaughter that will drop what she is doing to go help with a Party, or gardening, or a technology issue – She is interested and curious about everything. She adores her grandparents, she is their buddy, their go to gal, their – let’s bring Kennedy along – they enjoy her too. She takes care of their feelings and praises them, and thanks them in just the right moments. She is grateful to be their grand daughter – They ground her to who she is, she is theirs!

But most of all – She is my daughter! An extension of my soul, my best reflection.  I was laying in bed this morning pondering this day – This day she came to me – The gift of her – The luck I had at getting the best daughter, the one I would choose again, and again, and again. And  my heart broke – because she is no longer mine – All done, all perfect!

I love You Kennedy – I am so excited for the rest of your life to begin – It will be Amazing, because you are Amazing, and that is what happens to Amazing People like You!!

-          Love ,Mom