"Even You"- Glennon Doyle Melton
Caution: This blog is the most painful and vulnerable blog I have ever written. I didn't even know it needed to be written until yesterday. But when you feel moved to write about something you write about it. I am publishing it in hope that is will accomplish 2 things: 1- Provide help for anyone who is going through Shame, Abuse, etc. and 2- So the people who know me may understand me better.
I have the full backing of Tim, Patcee, Emily, and James. Who all
love me dearly!! I am so grateful for them. This blog is full of family
secrets, and if you know my family you will know who I am talking about
immediately. It needs to be stated that the person in question is now a
paranoid schizophrenic. Although when the events below took place that
diagnosis had not yet been made. Last but not least I am the same person I was
before you read this blog, so essentially don't start treating me weird!! Read
at your own risk.
When I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by an uncle that was only 5 years older than me. That will surprise some but not others. I hardly ever talk about it and for long periods of time, I forget completely about it. It happened to me on and off until I was 14 years old at which point I became strong enough to stop it. But the damage was done. Here is what that damage looks like:
1-Shame: I was completely convinced it was my fault. Being the older of two girls with a 7 year gap in age I was raised and told every day how smart I was, how mature I was, and tall. These were my labels; smart, mature, tall. So someone who is so smart, so mature must be able to stop themselves from being molested right? Right! So from that moment on I was a fraud, I was damaged, and completely unloved by God. I was not going to heaven when I died. I was unworthy and broken and worst of all I was carrying around a secret that was making me sick in my soul.
2- Risky Sexual Behavior: Damaged and broken girls who are carrying around secrets lose all of their self-worth. I was a mess of self-loathing. Which lead to other risky behavior because, why did it matter? Nobody who was anybody good would want me now. So I engaged in sexual activity with anyone who wanted to. That was the only validation I would get from men. These boys, these men just wanted to use me and throw me away. I was fine with that because I was getting the high of being wanted, and I certainly would not have stayed with me either- so this arrangement worked out for both parties. This led to a very painful sexually transmitted disease that I had to have surgery for when I was just 18. I remember my poor father sitting in the recovery room waiting for me, making sure I was okay when I came out of surgery. I can only imagine the absolute worry for me he had, and how surreal that experience must have been. That ultimately lead to a hysterectomy at just 37 - thankfully I was able to have each of my amazing children first!!
3- Drugs and alcohol: When you are walking around hiding shame all the time - getting stoned or drinking is an awesome escape. You can find places in your mind that you can access that allow you push those feeling down deep. You also find others of like broken-ness and that is where you feel most comfortable. Your family that loves you and can't understand what is happening ceases to feel like home and becomes instead a giant mirror reflecting how unworthy and hopeless your situation is. I hated being at home. I hated seeing them want so much for me, to be told how much potential I had when I knew if they knew, they would never love me again. I gave zero credit to my family, because after all, remember, it was all my fault. I have been completely depressed and borderline addicted to drugs at one point in my life. It took a small stay at a hospital to get me back in balance.
4-Food and Bulimia: I also turned to food to fill the giant hole in my heart. I would literally look at the menu and think how much can I eat without it looking like I am eating too much. While I was in junior high and high school and for a while after I would control this piece with purging. I was a master of vomit and could do it on command. It was awful, having eaten too much I would feel pained and then just a moment to steal away to the bathroom and out it would be. I would feel powerful for a moment having controlled it. This particular item had lasting effects. 1st from all the stomach acids over all those years I have been diagnosed with Barrett's syndrome which is a pre-curser to esophageal cancer. This requires specific monitoring to make sure it doesn't progress into cancer. The 2nd was eventually losing my battle with food and bulimia and needing to get back some control in my life I opted for very painful (but so worth it) gastric bypass surgery. Which ended my love affair with food altogether - but we needed to break-up anyway. The food wasn't filling my heart it was just slowly killing me.
5- Guilt, Justification, Anger, and Anxiety: Sex is a pleasurable thing. So when I got to an age that the abuse would actually give me sexual pleasure that shame kicked into high gear. I had to come up with reason why I felt that pleasure. I must be in love. So forever more the line was blurred between sex and love. I look back at this now and feel ridiculous. My little mature 12 year old brain could barely wrap my head around having a period, how did this fit in? I was guiltier and more broken then ever at this point. I often would feel like running away would be a great idea, or maybe if I just never woke up. Some people get depressed, I got angry, and I was completely angry and awful to everyone around me for years. Anger was the thing that allowed me to push people away before they realized I wasn't worthy of their love. I hated them before they hated me. Worst of all it was exhausting - all the guilt, shame, self-loathing which manifested in crazy anxious thoughts running through my head constantly left me literally hanging on by my finger nails off the edge of the emotional cliff all the time.
6-Church and Confession: My secret was safe and sound, locked away until I was 17. My parents were in Hawaii for Christmas and this year Emily and I were old enough to be left alone. I had a car and money, and all was well for the first half of their trip, but then it all turned ugly and awful. The uncle in question, another aunt some of her family, and my grandmother showed up at the house and essentially stormed the castle. They were trying to get the uncle in question to comply with some request. It was something stupid, like a haircut or a counseling session but he was not going to comply. And the argument was taking place right there at my house. Eventually it turned violent with my uncle punching holes in walls and making physical threats. I had Emily to think of, so I grabbed her and loaded her up in my car and took off out of there to get us out of harm’s way. The police were called and all sorts of drama ensued. I was not there for the drama. I think Emily and I went for ice cream, and tried to act like all was well as to not worry her.
I may not have been there for the drama but I was there for the fallout. The uncle was not arrested. There was no home owner at the house to make a complaint. We had all fled or were on vacation. But in an effort to try and explain his behavior and get out of trouble for the day with his mother/my grandmother, he decided to confess his sins against me to her. When I arrived home she was waiting for me. In her head I was responsible as well. I have never in my life felt such humiliation. I had to answer questions and account for what I had stopped from happening to me 3 years prior. The gig was up. I had no choice but to tell my parents - who were blissfully unaware and flying home from Hawaii the next day.
The next day I sat them down and told them, and like a dutiful, mature, and smart girl, I took full responsibility. When I look back at it now, it is a complete fog. I have no idea how I got the words out. That was followed by a trip to the Bishop who made me account in humiliating and painful detail again - He was full of questions about my sexual pleasure. I lied, I just lied and lied and kept taking responsibility. When all was said and done I was supposed to be forgiven, clean again. I wasn't clean again, I felt more broken and less loved by God than I had ever felt. I was done with the Mormon Church in that moment. Done, FOREVER.
Calm down everyone I don't blame the church at all!! I gave that up years ago!! But God and I are not square yet (we have a few items we are working on) and we never may be, and that is okay!! I have it handled.
So - What changed?
When I was 19 I was stoned out of my mind, and drunk after attending a Crosby, Steels and Nash concert at the state fairgrounds in Arizona. A knock came at the door and there was Jay. Jay was friend of a boy that really liked me. I have no idea what that boys name was, but he and I had, had a couple make-out sessions and in one of them the boy farted. I grew up in a very formal family, and for the life of me I could not get over the fart. It just ruined any chance he had with me from there on out. So in an effort to try and get me back he would often send up his much cuter buddy Jay to lure me down to the fart guys apartment for a beer. A few times it worked and I would go down, but then the cuter Jay would disappear and I would be left with fart boy.
This time the ploy was not going to work. And so when Jay suggested we go downstairs, I said the following (it is amazing what you will say when you are stoned and drunk) "Listen, I don't like your friend, I am never going to like your friend, but I think you are cute, so if you want to stay, that works for me, and if not, oh well, but I am not going with you down to his apartment!" Jay stayed. A one night stand ensued the product of which is my most beloved son Keaton.
Keaton saved my life!! He loved me and I loved him, and nothing from my secret past or my past transgressions could change that. If all else fell completely apart we had each other. It was the first time in a very long time I allowed myself to feel love as big and loves is, and receive it the same way.
Now, let's be clear, it's not like a magic pill. I still went on to drug and drink, mostly drug but my sexually risky behavior went away completely. I did marry a man who could not hold down a job for more than 3 months at a go, the entire time we were married (14 years) and was a raging alcoholic who hit me from time to time. And I put up with it, because I still had shame, I still had guilt. I deserved this man. But, two of the biggest loves of my life came from that union, Kennedy and Jackson. But I wasn't a positive person. I was jaded and hard. I had a temper like you would not believe. I could and would rage like a mad woman at the drop of a hat. Now I wasn't just angry about my past, but angry about my husband. I actually had a migraine headache for almost 2 years at the end of that relationship.
For my ex father-in-laws 65th birthday we decide to give him a sky diving gift certificate. When the day came we all went out to watch him jump out of the plane.
While he was getting prepped the owner of the place saddled up to me and almost whispered in my ear. "You should do it too" never one to turn down a challenge I said cheerfully "Ok" just 45 minutes later. I was literally up in the air around 13 thousand feet with a total stranger strapped to my back. It is one of those things where you are standing in the doorway and the expert yells in your ear "We go on three. 1, 2" you never hear the three. You simply realize that you are free falling turning and twisting and watching a perfectly good plane fly away, as you free fall for 2 straight minutes. Until the ground is getting closer and closer and you are sending mental telepathy messages in your head that say "Um, we should open the shoot now, now would be good, no really, now? Okay this is getting serious open the shoot!! Open the shoot!" And just when you think all is lost. The expert opens that shoot. Whew!!!!
A crazy thing happened that day. I decided if I could jump out of a plane I could do anything! And so I decided that a divorce was needed. No longer did I deserve this alcoholic with his promises of change, and promises of this time he would keep the job. No longer would I be afraid that he would hit me or Keaton in a fit of rage. I was free, and if I was free from that, maybe I could be free from all of it. The guilt, the shame, the worthless thoughts, and the constant justifications of why my life was the way it was. The pretending everything was fine when it was clearly not fine. Keaton had saved my life, but Sky Diving had saved my soul.
Not to long after the divorce was final I met James. I was dating a few other men at the time, but none of them were marriage material, and this time I was absolutely determined to marry a good man!! I deserved that, my children deserved that. We met on a slightly blind date at the Olive Garden. He was much taller than I expected but he was a gentleman from top to bottom, and when he opened the door for me with one hand and put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me through the restaurant. I knew, it just knew, I was going to marry this man. He was absolutely the opposite of everything I thought I wanted but I could feel it in my bones, he was a good man. We spent most the evening talking about his family. How strange is that? His sister had put a family calendar out, and he took it out, and walked my through each of the pictures and how much he loved each and every member of his family. I thought to myself - oh dear!! This is it!! Damn it!! I didn't even get to have much fun single time. And 6 months later we were married!! And guess what - He is the best man I have ever known (well along with my dad, and a few others) Keaton saved my life, Skydiving saved my soul, and James saved my heart!
Okay - because I am a silver linings kind of gal - here are some gifts that came out of that terrible thing that happened to me:
1-I am generally completely in touch with others emotional pain. I really can feel it almost a mile away. It pains me, and because I know what it is like I want nothing more than to move them through it. It is the same for shame. Shame will eat you alive and when I feel someone who is feeling shame I like to think I can be told anything without judging them. People make mistakes; people have terrible things happen to them. For nearly 20 years I was a victim of shame, if I can help anyone through and out of it, I have to, it is almost a compulsion.
2- I have radar for sexual predators like you would not believe!!! My children have been schooled in what to look for from the word go. They have also been taught to listen to their intuition. Intuition, the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to call it is number one gift we are born with!! Talking about it, listening to it, encouraging your children your spouse, your friends to trust it, is the best advice you can ever give. It doesn't happen when you suddenly turn 8 it happens the moment you can reason, and should be exercised every single day!!
3- At my home everything is talked about, everything. Even if it uncomfortable or embarrassing we talk about it. We also have a motto coined by my wonder twin brother Travis "Secrets give you Cancer" yes, I realize that cancer comes from many different places but at our house for our family it starts with Secrets! Secrets and Shame go hand in hand. So we have a no secret policy. Because we all want to be as clear of shame as much as possible!!
There are probably more, but this blog is pretty long and I think I will wrap it up here. The good news is I have forgiven. The good news is my family still loves me like crazy. The good news is I came through the other side and probably the best news is - I love me!!
If this blogs helps anyone else - yay me, yay them!!
Much Love XOXO - Jenn
When I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by an uncle that was only 5 years older than me. That will surprise some but not others. I hardly ever talk about it and for long periods of time, I forget completely about it. It happened to me on and off until I was 14 years old at which point I became strong enough to stop it. But the damage was done. Here is what that damage looks like:
1-Shame: I was completely convinced it was my fault. Being the older of two girls with a 7 year gap in age I was raised and told every day how smart I was, how mature I was, and tall. These were my labels; smart, mature, tall. So someone who is so smart, so mature must be able to stop themselves from being molested right? Right! So from that moment on I was a fraud, I was damaged, and completely unloved by God. I was not going to heaven when I died. I was unworthy and broken and worst of all I was carrying around a secret that was making me sick in my soul.
2- Risky Sexual Behavior: Damaged and broken girls who are carrying around secrets lose all of their self-worth. I was a mess of self-loathing. Which lead to other risky behavior because, why did it matter? Nobody who was anybody good would want me now. So I engaged in sexual activity with anyone who wanted to. That was the only validation I would get from men. These boys, these men just wanted to use me and throw me away. I was fine with that because I was getting the high of being wanted, and I certainly would not have stayed with me either- so this arrangement worked out for both parties. This led to a very painful sexually transmitted disease that I had to have surgery for when I was just 18. I remember my poor father sitting in the recovery room waiting for me, making sure I was okay when I came out of surgery. I can only imagine the absolute worry for me he had, and how surreal that experience must have been. That ultimately lead to a hysterectomy at just 37 - thankfully I was able to have each of my amazing children first!!
3- Drugs and alcohol: When you are walking around hiding shame all the time - getting stoned or drinking is an awesome escape. You can find places in your mind that you can access that allow you push those feeling down deep. You also find others of like broken-ness and that is where you feel most comfortable. Your family that loves you and can't understand what is happening ceases to feel like home and becomes instead a giant mirror reflecting how unworthy and hopeless your situation is. I hated being at home. I hated seeing them want so much for me, to be told how much potential I had when I knew if they knew, they would never love me again. I gave zero credit to my family, because after all, remember, it was all my fault. I have been completely depressed and borderline addicted to drugs at one point in my life. It took a small stay at a hospital to get me back in balance.
4-Food and Bulimia: I also turned to food to fill the giant hole in my heart. I would literally look at the menu and think how much can I eat without it looking like I am eating too much. While I was in junior high and high school and for a while after I would control this piece with purging. I was a master of vomit and could do it on command. It was awful, having eaten too much I would feel pained and then just a moment to steal away to the bathroom and out it would be. I would feel powerful for a moment having controlled it. This particular item had lasting effects. 1st from all the stomach acids over all those years I have been diagnosed with Barrett's syndrome which is a pre-curser to esophageal cancer. This requires specific monitoring to make sure it doesn't progress into cancer. The 2nd was eventually losing my battle with food and bulimia and needing to get back some control in my life I opted for very painful (but so worth it) gastric bypass surgery. Which ended my love affair with food altogether - but we needed to break-up anyway. The food wasn't filling my heart it was just slowly killing me.
5- Guilt, Justification, Anger, and Anxiety: Sex is a pleasurable thing. So when I got to an age that the abuse would actually give me sexual pleasure that shame kicked into high gear. I had to come up with reason why I felt that pleasure. I must be in love. So forever more the line was blurred between sex and love. I look back at this now and feel ridiculous. My little mature 12 year old brain could barely wrap my head around having a period, how did this fit in? I was guiltier and more broken then ever at this point. I often would feel like running away would be a great idea, or maybe if I just never woke up. Some people get depressed, I got angry, and I was completely angry and awful to everyone around me for years. Anger was the thing that allowed me to push people away before they realized I wasn't worthy of their love. I hated them before they hated me. Worst of all it was exhausting - all the guilt, shame, self-loathing which manifested in crazy anxious thoughts running through my head constantly left me literally hanging on by my finger nails off the edge of the emotional cliff all the time.
6-Church and Confession: My secret was safe and sound, locked away until I was 17. My parents were in Hawaii for Christmas and this year Emily and I were old enough to be left alone. I had a car and money, and all was well for the first half of their trip, but then it all turned ugly and awful. The uncle in question, another aunt some of her family, and my grandmother showed up at the house and essentially stormed the castle. They were trying to get the uncle in question to comply with some request. It was something stupid, like a haircut or a counseling session but he was not going to comply. And the argument was taking place right there at my house. Eventually it turned violent with my uncle punching holes in walls and making physical threats. I had Emily to think of, so I grabbed her and loaded her up in my car and took off out of there to get us out of harm’s way. The police were called and all sorts of drama ensued. I was not there for the drama. I think Emily and I went for ice cream, and tried to act like all was well as to not worry her.
I may not have been there for the drama but I was there for the fallout. The uncle was not arrested. There was no home owner at the house to make a complaint. We had all fled or were on vacation. But in an effort to try and explain his behavior and get out of trouble for the day with his mother/my grandmother, he decided to confess his sins against me to her. When I arrived home she was waiting for me. In her head I was responsible as well. I have never in my life felt such humiliation. I had to answer questions and account for what I had stopped from happening to me 3 years prior. The gig was up. I had no choice but to tell my parents - who were blissfully unaware and flying home from Hawaii the next day.
The next day I sat them down and told them, and like a dutiful, mature, and smart girl, I took full responsibility. When I look back at it now, it is a complete fog. I have no idea how I got the words out. That was followed by a trip to the Bishop who made me account in humiliating and painful detail again - He was full of questions about my sexual pleasure. I lied, I just lied and lied and kept taking responsibility. When all was said and done I was supposed to be forgiven, clean again. I wasn't clean again, I felt more broken and less loved by God than I had ever felt. I was done with the Mormon Church in that moment. Done, FOREVER.
Calm down everyone I don't blame the church at all!! I gave that up years ago!! But God and I are not square yet (we have a few items we are working on) and we never may be, and that is okay!! I have it handled.
So - What changed?
When I was 19 I was stoned out of my mind, and drunk after attending a Crosby, Steels and Nash concert at the state fairgrounds in Arizona. A knock came at the door and there was Jay. Jay was friend of a boy that really liked me. I have no idea what that boys name was, but he and I had, had a couple make-out sessions and in one of them the boy farted. I grew up in a very formal family, and for the life of me I could not get over the fart. It just ruined any chance he had with me from there on out. So in an effort to try and get me back he would often send up his much cuter buddy Jay to lure me down to the fart guys apartment for a beer. A few times it worked and I would go down, but then the cuter Jay would disappear and I would be left with fart boy.
This time the ploy was not going to work. And so when Jay suggested we go downstairs, I said the following (it is amazing what you will say when you are stoned and drunk) "Listen, I don't like your friend, I am never going to like your friend, but I think you are cute, so if you want to stay, that works for me, and if not, oh well, but I am not going with you down to his apartment!" Jay stayed. A one night stand ensued the product of which is my most beloved son Keaton.
Keaton saved my life!! He loved me and I loved him, and nothing from my secret past or my past transgressions could change that. If all else fell completely apart we had each other. It was the first time in a very long time I allowed myself to feel love as big and loves is, and receive it the same way.
Now, let's be clear, it's not like a magic pill. I still went on to drug and drink, mostly drug but my sexually risky behavior went away completely. I did marry a man who could not hold down a job for more than 3 months at a go, the entire time we were married (14 years) and was a raging alcoholic who hit me from time to time. And I put up with it, because I still had shame, I still had guilt. I deserved this man. But, two of the biggest loves of my life came from that union, Kennedy and Jackson. But I wasn't a positive person. I was jaded and hard. I had a temper like you would not believe. I could and would rage like a mad woman at the drop of a hat. Now I wasn't just angry about my past, but angry about my husband. I actually had a migraine headache for almost 2 years at the end of that relationship.
For my ex father-in-laws 65th birthday we decide to give him a sky diving gift certificate. When the day came we all went out to watch him jump out of the plane.
While he was getting prepped the owner of the place saddled up to me and almost whispered in my ear. "You should do it too" never one to turn down a challenge I said cheerfully "Ok" just 45 minutes later. I was literally up in the air around 13 thousand feet with a total stranger strapped to my back. It is one of those things where you are standing in the doorway and the expert yells in your ear "We go on three. 1, 2" you never hear the three. You simply realize that you are free falling turning and twisting and watching a perfectly good plane fly away, as you free fall for 2 straight minutes. Until the ground is getting closer and closer and you are sending mental telepathy messages in your head that say "Um, we should open the shoot now, now would be good, no really, now? Okay this is getting serious open the shoot!! Open the shoot!" And just when you think all is lost. The expert opens that shoot. Whew!!!!
A crazy thing happened that day. I decided if I could jump out of a plane I could do anything! And so I decided that a divorce was needed. No longer did I deserve this alcoholic with his promises of change, and promises of this time he would keep the job. No longer would I be afraid that he would hit me or Keaton in a fit of rage. I was free, and if I was free from that, maybe I could be free from all of it. The guilt, the shame, the worthless thoughts, and the constant justifications of why my life was the way it was. The pretending everything was fine when it was clearly not fine. Keaton had saved my life, but Sky Diving had saved my soul.
Not to long after the divorce was final I met James. I was dating a few other men at the time, but none of them were marriage material, and this time I was absolutely determined to marry a good man!! I deserved that, my children deserved that. We met on a slightly blind date at the Olive Garden. He was much taller than I expected but he was a gentleman from top to bottom, and when he opened the door for me with one hand and put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me through the restaurant. I knew, it just knew, I was going to marry this man. He was absolutely the opposite of everything I thought I wanted but I could feel it in my bones, he was a good man. We spent most the evening talking about his family. How strange is that? His sister had put a family calendar out, and he took it out, and walked my through each of the pictures and how much he loved each and every member of his family. I thought to myself - oh dear!! This is it!! Damn it!! I didn't even get to have much fun single time. And 6 months later we were married!! And guess what - He is the best man I have ever known (well along with my dad, and a few others) Keaton saved my life, Skydiving saved my soul, and James saved my heart!
Okay - because I am a silver linings kind of gal - here are some gifts that came out of that terrible thing that happened to me:
1-I am generally completely in touch with others emotional pain. I really can feel it almost a mile away. It pains me, and because I know what it is like I want nothing more than to move them through it. It is the same for shame. Shame will eat you alive and when I feel someone who is feeling shame I like to think I can be told anything without judging them. People make mistakes; people have terrible things happen to them. For nearly 20 years I was a victim of shame, if I can help anyone through and out of it, I have to, it is almost a compulsion.
2- I have radar for sexual predators like you would not believe!!! My children have been schooled in what to look for from the word go. They have also been taught to listen to their intuition. Intuition, the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to call it is number one gift we are born with!! Talking about it, listening to it, encouraging your children your spouse, your friends to trust it, is the best advice you can ever give. It doesn't happen when you suddenly turn 8 it happens the moment you can reason, and should be exercised every single day!!
3- At my home everything is talked about, everything. Even if it uncomfortable or embarrassing we talk about it. We also have a motto coined by my wonder twin brother Travis "Secrets give you Cancer" yes, I realize that cancer comes from many different places but at our house for our family it starts with Secrets! Secrets and Shame go hand in hand. So we have a no secret policy. Because we all want to be as clear of shame as much as possible!!
There are probably more, but this blog is pretty long and I think I will wrap it up here. The good news is I have forgiven. The good news is my family still loves me like crazy. The good news is I came through the other side and probably the best news is - I love me!!
If this blogs helps anyone else - yay me, yay them!!
Much Love XOXO - Jenn
What a fabulous lady you are, Jennifer! Turn this into a book! Brilliant writing style! If I ever have a secret, I'm telling you for I know no one else will ever hear it from you! IT'S AN AMAZING RECOUNTING WITH HEART STRINGS TUGGING BY EVERYONE AT EVERY TURN by everyone who loves you.... I love you too. GAML
ReplyDeleteThank you ML - I knew there was a reason you were always my favorite!!
DeleteLoved the way you told this! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete