The Transformation of Jorri :Cinderella, Evil Step Mothers & Dalycia LaFosse

If you haven't seen Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day; you really must go out and rent it right now!!! It came out around 6 years ago, and once I saw it, it became one of my top movies off all time. It is one of those movies that speaks to my soul. For I can't help but put myself in movies, in this one I am both Dalycia Lafosse, and Miss Pettigrew. Depending on how you know me or the role I am playing in any given day you will probably identify me as one of the characters as well. I immediately went home grabbed my girls and took them to see the movie as well.  That day neither of them identified with a role in the film, but I know at least Jorri aspired to and I would imagine that they both do now.

 When I met Jorri she was an awkward, overweight, 9 year old with two parents doing the best they could. She has a wonderful resilient mother who had just recently been remarried, after a divorce, several moves, a slightly unpredictable ex, and several years of being a single parent to two daughters that she loves dearly! At the time she was doing her best to also combine a new family with 2 other step kids thrown into the mix.  James on the other hand was a 7 year bachelor with a steady stream of living by the seat of his pants, girlfriends, roommates, moves, job changes, and drama of his own.

I think we can all agree that Jorri was loved, is loved, up one side and down the other. But she was dealing with her own challenges. I was one of those challenges!!  The first time I met Jorri I was on my best behavior, and she, hers. This is a terrible place, best behavior land, because you really don't know who you are getting. I actually went to church with she and James (that tells you everything you need to know) we were able to skate out right after sacrament meeting, while she happily went off to primary. James and I went to a book store and browsed the books, killing time. I found a book about Fairies; it was a large coffee table size book. With a price tag of $40. Apparently that was a lot of money at the time, it wasn't to me. So I bought it for her. As you can imagine she was thrilled!!

Success!! I thought to myself, she was purchased for the low, low price of $40. To say this was absolutely delusional would be a gigantic understatement. Jorri was by far one of the most difficult children in the world for me. She had a culture all her own, and needless to say, it wasn't mine. Jorri was the pickiest eater on the planet; she had been existing on a steady stream of fast food. She was living on French fries and processed chicken nuggets. She was afraid of everything, I mean everything!! Water, Rides at Disneyland, Movies, being alone, the dark, hot dogs, essentially anything that was new. I spent the first 4 years trying to Jenn-erize her. She resisted.

My Jenn-erizing took many forms. There was her style, polar opposite to mine. If I loved black classic and sleek, she loved crazy blue, bright pink and purple. There was food.  I would push her to try new things and she would sit hour after hour at the table and pick a tiny bite at a time, and then give us a dramatic gagging scene. There were chores at our house, my children understanding the "right" way to do everything. She was on what I can only call “Jorri standard time" which is very, very slow, and unaware of how you are affecting the group. She was quite literally being transformed all right!!She was turning into Cinderella and I was absolutely the wicked step mother!

This went on for almost 5 years. She could not be bought, or reasoned with, and only some of my hostage techniques, or bribery worked. Worst yet it took its toll on her relationship with her dad. James loves Jorri as big as love is!! He was always trying to get her to come down to Utah and spend time with us, and I was always acting supportive, but we all were secretly uneasy about whatever battle would come out of the visit. Believe me, there was always a battle. And for the record, they were 100 percent my fault!! I was completely evil and manipulative. I was trying to constantly control my environment. That included Jorri, I wanted her to buy in, to "get it", but no matter how I dressed it up, or forced it down, she remained Jorri.

Now - I don't want to paint an inaccurate picture. It's not like Jorri didn't grow and change and adapt, and even begin to assimilate to the "Jenn" way. But never fully and never fast enough for me. Also, let it be known that throughout this whole time, I was never dealing with a terrible child. She never did anything bad. She was, in fact, the opposite, she was too good!! It drove me crazy. She basically was lovely and sweet, and was always kind to everyone, and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. She saw the sweet, she thought the best of, and she was, in my world weak.

Weak is the flip side of my coin! I hate feeling weak, so when I sense weak, I am like a heat seeking missile to destroy, or improve. I really can't help myself. I give people two choices - you can either become strong, or I must rid you from my life. It is something I struggle and fail with all the time.  Well, kids are not something you rid yourself of, and so we went round and round and round. It was exhausting. I was exhausted, James was exhausted. I know Jorri was not only exhausted but confused and hurt. For she was trying too, trying to break the code of Jenn, and just when she thought she had it, I would want more, expect more, round and round and round.

I am not sure when it changed. But it did. I began to see her. I began to see how difficult being weak from time to time was for her, how often her kindness would be taken for granted and her heart broken, broken by people she loved dearly. I changed. Because I found that I knew how that felt. I think we all know how that feels. Heartbroken is a universal feeling and for Jorri and me it was common ground. Can I just tell you what a relief common ground is!!!

We became buddies, not call each other every day buddies, but I get you and you are starting to get me buddies. So when we were together we appreciated each other more. It's not like I stopped pushing and pressing her, and it's not like she suddenly was fully Jenn-erized but, we just got easier.

This last August on the way to the beach for our annual trip, we had stopped for the night in Sacramento. That night, with the girls in their hotel room and us in ours, we heard a knock at the door at 4:00 in the morning. It was Jorri's friend Hannah - "Jorri is in trouble, come quick" we walked in and found Jorri moaning and balled up. Another kidney stone courtesy of James and his genetic side of the equation. We acted quickly grabbing Jorri and heading to the nearest Emergency room. To be honest, I was mad!

I was mad because this was happening again. We had spent a good deal of time, money, and pain the summer before on kidney stones. And I was just sure this was going to ruin the trip we had spent a small fortune on. Mad because I was awake at 4:00 am -no coffee, not wise. And mad mostly because Jorri had not taken the warnings of her doctors the year before seriously and had put on weight, not drinking enough water, not taking care of her diet, and here we were about to spend at least hundreds of dollars in the ER again!! I was worried this would happen every year the rest of her life, and that was not okay with me. No one should go through that!

So, at 4:15 am, in the Sutter Hospital ER with a woman who was being guarded by police screaming at the top of her lungs in the room next door, Jorri, James, and I had a serious talk! We laid it down. This kind of life was unacceptable; we loved her and cared about her too much for this to happen anymore. She had to take control of her diet, her weight and her life. We would provide her any resources she needed. We would be her life support team, but she needed to own it. She needed to decide that her life would not be like this!! I 'm not sure if is it was the kidney stone, or the hard discussion, but tears were shed, agreements made, and we all 3 left the hospital that morning determined that this would not be her life!

Cut to last weekend, Jorri had auditioned and been selected to be a featured soloist at the Jazz Band fundraiser, her show choir was performing as well. So James and jumped in the car and went up to Pocatello to see her sing. This fund raiser is a very fun concept. They serve dinner in one section and have auction items in the other section, and then have the jazz band performing in the center - like Dinner theater with a dance floor.

We walked in unsure what to expect when suddenly there was Jorri all smiles, and confidence twirling around and hugging us with joy and happiness. We almost didn't recognize her; 25 pounds lighter both inside and out. She was simply lighting up the room. Long gone was that awkward girl, who was trying to find her place - a confident beautiful lady with a voice in her place. When she took the stage to sing, a giant cheer rose from the crowd and the dance floor immediately filledfor her jazz solo, and later it filled up again for her up tempo - It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing - she owned the micro, the room and our hearts. I was looking at her and thinking - When did Jorri Become Dalycia LaFosse ?- But she was her, and it was amazing, confident, and magical.

Later that evening her proud, puffed up dad James was able to dance with her during one of the last numbers that evening. It brought tears to my eyes as I watched them 2 step on the dance floor. Radiant Jorri Beaming Dad. Like a fairy tale from one of those books she loved. I felt proud. Knowing full well all the credit was hers. She had made it out of being “Jenn” ed I love Jorri, all of her – From the top of that blonde head to the tips of her tapping toes!! And at least in this story – They all lived happily ever after – Even the evil step mother – me J

Who are these children coming down,

Coming down like gentle rain from darkened skies,

With glory trailing from their feet as they come,

And endless promise in their eyes…….(Saturday’s Day Warrior)

When I was a kid, we had a huge stereo in our family room. With speakers that were probably close to 3 feet high on the opposite sides of the room. You know the kind, very 70’s – in fact they are probably hip again. My parents would often wake me up, especially when I was a teenager, with loud music blaring from the stereo – The BYU fight song or Barry Manilow were some of their favorites.  Nothing like a little Copacabana  at volume 10 to get you moving in the morning. 

I loved that stereo system – I would put on my favorites and then lie down in front of the speaker, and push my head right up against the sound. Singing my little heart out until my mom or dad could not take another minute of it. Not that I was a bad singer, I would just play the same songs over and over, until I knew every single word by heart. Saturdays Day warrior was one of my favorites, and seemed an appropriate intro for my blog today.

Last night we had a moment like that. A singing your heart out moment! We were riding home from a softball game, me with my Ztoli and Happy Toli in tow (Z is for ZHenya – for Ztoli reminds us very much of her) James had turned on the CD’s that were in his truck – when a song came over the stereo that my orphans recognized.  It was the Rihanna/Eminem’s  I love the way you lie – Both of the Toli’s leaned forward with urgency in their voices – Stop, Stop – James looks back, and obliges– going back to the song, and turning it up nice and loud.

In a very spontaneous moment, I look back to see all 3 boys, Jackson included singing the chorus of that song with all of their little hearts. Ztoli partly out the window singing to the traffic, Happy Toli eyes closed singing and swaying side to side, Jackson smiling ear to ear, and doing the same.  It was infectious Kennedy and I breaking into full singing with James joining in next! We were a merry little group, with all the windows down, in James jacked up F250 – Flying down the freeway – Giving Rihanna a run for her money.

As the song ended we were pulling into Harmons to get some grocery’s and the boys had no desire to go in and pick up food – Instead – all the kids stayed in the truck, and listened to the song, over and over, and over again. Last night about 12:30 am I was finally getting to bed, when I heard the song coming up from the family room– They had taken the CD into the house, and were listening to it still – So I walked downstairs to tell them – “alright, that’s enough” – and instead found 3 boys crowded around the stereo fast asleep.

As I write this I am watching both the boys sit on the couch with Zhenya - asking her phrases in English so they can write them down and practice them – The last phrase that they asked her was – How do you say? “What a wonderful day!”  

** Tonight we attended a BBQ that was hosted by a family in our neighborhood. This BBQ was to showcase the kids to prospective parents- To say that the response was underwhelming would not do it justice – There were maybe 3 families interested in adopting that attended. Please continue your efforts in forwarding this blog – Your magic seems to be working!!! through your efforts, 4 potential families have contacted me, and 2 additional host families may have been located – With the energy growing by the minute!!!

Much Love - Jenn
If you are looking to help in anyway please contact me at:
jpowersjohnson@gmail.com

A Love Letter to Zhenya - Please read and Pass Along

I have everything!! What can I do? What can you do?

My heart has been quite literally bursting since yesterday. Yesterday I agreed to be a host family for 2 of 15 Ukrainian orphans, who are coming to Utah from July 20^th – August 12^th to find a family to adopt them. These children are ages 6 to 15. If they stay in the Ukraine – they will not find a family.  Instead the following is much more likely:

-          At the age of 16 - all of them will be put out of the orphanage –“graduated” from the program. They will not have an education, they will not find a job, they will not be set-up in a place to live, or be given food to eat. They will go from having a bleak existence, to a battle for their very survival. 

-          10% of these kids will commit suicide by their 18^th birthday.  

-          60% of the girls will end up in prostitution to survive. 

-          70% of the boys will enter a life of crime. 

-          Only 20% will find work. 

-          These are the kids that human traffickers target and exploit. 

I agreed to host in a moment of “ pleasing”- I do that - agree to help someone out- there is a tone in their voice that sounds a certain way, I am a sucker for it. I agree to things without thinking about the cost. But there is always a cost – sometimes financially – but generally there is an emotional cost.

It was like that yesterday – the tone, the agreeing without thinking – I didn’t even run it past James. Funny how - The right thing to do, just is - The right thing to do.

After I agreed to host – I had a moment to let it settle in. Wait!! – Who was I hosting? Did they speak English, how does this all work? I turned to the only resource for this information I could think of Zhenya (prounouced Jen-Ya) She had been one of these orphans, and a little over 3 years ago was adopted by my aunt and uncle. I immediately contacted her and this was her story:

She had been living in the orphanage for 2 years, after several years in foster type care. Both her mother and father were dead. It’s not important how they died, let’s just say it wasn’t in a manner that makes you sympathetic to their cause. She has an older sister who is living on her own, a grandmother, a grandfather, an aunt – none of them stepped up to take this girl. She was, at the ripe old age of 8, on her own.

One day, when Zhenya was 12, she was called into the office at the orphanage and told that she and a group of orphans had earned a fieldtrip to Keiv!! My goodness that was exciting. She had never been to Keiv before. They were told they would leave the next day, and to pack a few things. When I say a few things – what I mean is - this is a girl who had never had a new pair of shoes, did not have a closet full of clothes – She had what had been donated. What the orphanage gave her. I look in my own closet and see a 100 pair of shoes on display, like in a store – Most of which I never wear, or have never worn. I think to myself – I have everything!

The next day they took the train to Kiev – “oh, how cool is this” – she thinks to herself. The orphans walk the streets of Kiev looking at the tourist sights, and thinking – "this might be as good as life gets." But wait, there is more – That night the director gathers them around and tells them something very unexpected. They are boarding a plane tomorrow bound for America!!  The director goes on to say – "If any of you don’t want to go, you will not be in trouble – you can get back on the train and go back to the orphanage." At this point in the story – I interrupt and ask – Why would they not want to go to America?

Apparently when Zhenya was a little girl, her grandmother had told her that when people go to American – they are essentially kidnapped and sold for body parts, ie: liver, kidney – and to make sure she never went.  She very much had that in the back of her mind – but the siren song of being one of the “coolest kids” at school was too much to turn down. She had visions of walking the halls being “the girl that went to the states” – So she did not get back on the train – and instead embarked on an adventure.

She was the oldest of this group of orphans. They ranged in age from 6-10. With Zhenya coming in at a whopping 12 years old.She had a suspicion this might be an adoption trip – she had seen children go on them before – but Americans like younger children – kids that still have a shot at being fixed – not her, she was too old, too broken. So she thought the joke was on the director – She was going to have a grand trip out of this – and then have that memory when she came back forever.

They landed in San Francisco – late at night, not speaking English, where most of the children found their way into the homes of potentially adoptive parents, for 3 weeks of “getting to know you” time.  This gives the parents a chance to essentially test drive the kid – Make sure they are a good fit, before making a commitment.  I look at my children – who are, by all accounts amazing – none of them were given a test drive prior to being part of our family – and I think - I have everything!!

Zhenya, however is not quite as well planned for as the rest of the orphans – the person who had set up this trip needed to scramble at the last moment, to get someone to take her overnight. She leaves the airport with a stranger – promises from the director that she will not forget her. 48 hours prior she had been in the orphanage in the Ukraine. She is on high alert and scared to death.

The next day a nice woman who has hosted orphans before comes and gets her, and takes her home. The house has labels on the drawers in her native language to tell her what is inside them. She feels more at ease, she doesn’t dare open the drawers. She doesn’t go open the refrigerator – She eats when the woman eats. Later that evening the woman pulls up her laptop and shows her pictures of Debbie and Rob Jolley and their children (this is my aunt and uncle) She cries as she reads her an email in English, and shows her the pictures. Zhenya, who does not understand English - has never seen tears of joy before – she surmizes the people in the picture must be the family of the woman, and perhaps they were killed in a car accident.  This orphan who is too old, and too broken – tries to console the nice woman about her dead family.

Two days later she arrives at Camp – Camp is all the planned activities that the American families have to interact with the orphans in what could be deemed a “natural” environment.  It is a chance to get to know them without a bunch of pressure and expectation. Things like amusement parks, and water slides – the younger orphans are completely sucked in.  The older ones, know exactly what is going on – but who are they to break this magic spell – so they go along. The director constantly telling them – they are not wanted, they are too old, too broken. 

Like I stated before – Zhenya arrives that day at camp to find Debbie, Rob and their oldest daughter Crista, sitting in a room waiting for her. She immediately thinks two things; 1- They look incredibly dressed up and formal. I had to probe this for a moment and asked what they were wearing – She answered - nothing special, it was an attitude, a posture, she had never really seen before, - “very English” and 2- What did they want with her? Quite simply – she could not get her head around why these people – who just a few hours back were the dead family of the woman she was staying with - would fly out to California just to see her?

All the other orphans had things to do, and places to go with their potentially adoptive families – So the director suggests that Zhenya, the director, a translator, Debbie, Rob and Crista spend the day together.  With the safety of people she knew in attendance Zhenya readily agrees – and has one of the best days of her life. They go on a boat ride to Alactraz, and under the Golden gate bridge, they do fun things that tourists do when in San Francisco. It is a practically perfect day.

The following day she arrives at camp – and they tell her she is going to spend that day with the new and strange people alone. No director, no translator. This time she is angry – What are these people trying to pull here? Do they think she is stupid?  She is threatened and cajoled by the director who essentially makes her go with them, making sure she tells her repeatedly, they don’t want you, you are too old, too broken” She is on guard, while trying to act cool and detached.  She enjoys Debbie, can see that Debbie is a nice lady. They shop -buy trinkets and souvenirs.  

At the end of that day they all sit down at a table and discuss how the day went with the translator and director – “Did you have fun?” they ask, Zhenya’s anger comes quickly back. Why are they putting her through this? Why all the questions?  Don’t they know she is too old, too broken? This seems mean now – why do they want her to fly with them back to Utah for a week – What is the motive here – perhaps she is starting to believe her grandmother, and worries about her organs.  In the end my aunt and uncle prevail – and they fly back to Utah to meet the rest of the children in the family.

The next week is spent in what Zhenya would describe as overwhelming attention and activity. Here was a family of strangers who did not speak her language acting like they wanted her desperately to feel welcome and loved. And for her part Zhenya will admit she was positively detached, and suspicious. She was frightened of Rob, whose name she didn’t know, embarrassed by all the attention, and simply could not remember ever being shown love – So she waited for the other shoe to drop, while doing the absolute bare minimum of interaction to get by until she could get back to the orphanage. The orphanage might have been a horrible place where there was no love for her, but at least she knew how to navigate it – This family, this hope, was too much for the orphan who was too old, too broken.

After the week, she and Rob got on a plane and headed back to San Francisco for the rendezvous. Once again she found herself sitting at a table being asked questions. When the time came for Rob to ask the ultimate question – “Did she want to become part of the family?” the director walked around the table – grabbed Zhenya by the arm and took her out of the meeting before she could respond. Once she had her in another room, she scolded her - for the director knew that Zhenya was about to sabotage her chance for a future in an effort to protect her fragile heart. The question went unanswered – The orphans all got back on a plane, and went back to the orphanage. Because just finding a family that wants you isn’t enough, now the real work begins…..(paperwork, money, etc)

I must say, I have a great deal of respect and love for my Aunt Debbie and my Uncle Rob – they combined, probably have one of the largest capacities for love on the planet. For Zhenya is their 6^th adoption.  It is easier, I think to get a child from birth – you can mold them, make them your own. The older ones require love that is willing to be rejected, and keep on loving.  They have undertaken 3 adoptions of children from that region of the world – 3 children who are saved now – who aren’t going to become statistics. Who have a chance, a family, and love. My aunt and uncle are not wealthy people – but instead have shared what they do have with children who have nothing and no one. I think to myself – I have everything!!

7 months later Zhenya is called back to the office at the orphanage for a Dr.’s appointment. Zhenya honestly never thought she would see the Jolley family again. When the director came to the office to get her, she tells Zhenya – When you see the people you are going to see, you better act happy, you better smile, and make them believe that you are thrilled to see them. Zhenya is still unclear who she is seeing – and when she walks in the door that has Debbie and Rob sitting, waiting – she is beyond shocked!! She actually is happy to see them – they kept their promise, they came for her. She was not too old, she was not too broken. They saw past her detachment, and the walls surrounding her fragile heart. They came back!!!

Now the orphans are here again - new ones, that might find families. They are here until August 12th. This group is older than most. With most of the children coming between 12-15 years old, They know what it is like to be without love, to go to bed hungry, to worry about a future that has no hope. These are the children that are too old, and too broken – and they need you, because You Have Everything!!

There is an emotional cost for reading this blog. The cost is now, you know – and you can do something. Maybe for you, doing something is; donating money to help adoptive parents with the cost, maybe it is volunteering to host, maybe it is passing this link to someone with desire to add another member to their family – you may be the link in a chain to a home. But you have everything – So Do Something.

jpowersjohnson@gmail.com

Much Love!! Jenn