"Be Kind, Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle" - Rev John Watson

"Even You"- Glennon Doyle Melton

Caution: This blog is the most painful and vulnerable blog I have ever written. I didn't even know it needed to be written until yesterday. But when you feel moved to write about something you write about it. I am publishing it in hope that is will accomplish 2 things: 1- Provide help for anyone who is going through Shame, Abuse, etc. and 2- So the people who know me may understand me better. 

I have the full backing of Tim, Patcee, Emily, and James. Who all love me dearly!! I am so grateful for them. This blog is full of family secrets, and if you know my family you will know who I am talking about immediately. It needs to be stated that the person in question is now a paranoid schizophrenic. Although when the events below took place that diagnosis had not yet been made. Last but not least I am the same person I was before you read this blog, so essentially don't start treating me weird!! Read at your own risk.

When I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by an uncle that was only 5 years older than me. That will surprise some but not others. I hardly ever talk about it and for long periods of time, I forget completely about it. It happened to me on and off until I was 14 years old at which point I became strong enough to stop it. But the damage was done. Here is what that damage looks like:

1-Shame: I was completely convinced it was my fault. Being the older of two girls with a 7 year gap in age I was raised and told every day how smart I was, how mature I was, and tall. These were my labels; smart, mature, tall. So someone who is so smart, so mature must be able to stop themselves from being molested right? Right! So from that moment on I was a fraud, I was damaged, and completely unloved by God. I was not going to heaven when I died. I was unworthy and broken and worst of all I was carrying around a secret that was making me sick in my soul.

2- Risky Sexual Behavior: Damaged and broken girls who are carrying around secrets lose all of their self-worth. I was a mess of self-loathing. Which lead to other risky behavior because, why did it matter? Nobody who was anybody good would want me now. So I engaged in sexual activity with anyone who wanted to. That was the only validation I would get from men. These boys, these men just wanted to use me and throw me away. I was fine with that because I was getting the high of being wanted, and I certainly would not have stayed with me either- so this arrangement worked out for both parties. This led to a very painful sexually transmitted disease that I had to have surgery for when I was just 18. I remember my poor father sitting in the recovery room waiting for me, making sure I was okay when I came out of surgery. I can only imagine the absolute worry for me he had, and how surreal that experience must have been. That ultimately lead to a hysterectomy at just 37 - thankfully I was able to have each of my amazing children first!!

3- Drugs and alcohol: When you are walking around hiding shame all the time - getting stoned or drinking is an awesome escape. You can find places in your mind that you can access that allow you push those feeling down deep. You also find others of like broken-ness and that is where you feel most comfortable. Your family that loves you and can't understand what is happening ceases to feel like home and becomes instead a giant mirror reflecting how unworthy and hopeless your situation is. I hated being at home. I hated seeing them want so much for me, to be told how much potential I had when I knew if they knew, they would never love me again. I gave zero credit to my family, because after all, remember, it was all my fault. I have been completely depressed and borderline addicted to drugs at one point in my life. It took a small stay at a hospital to get me back in balance.

4-Food and Bulimia: I also turned to food to fill the giant hole in my heart. I would literally look at the menu and think how much can I eat without it looking like I am eating too much. While I was in junior high and high school and for a while after I would control this piece with purging. I was a master of vomit and could do it on command. It was awful, having eaten too much I would feel pained and then just a moment to steal away to the bathroom and out it would be. I would feel powerful for a moment having controlled it. This particular item had lasting effects. 1st from all the stomach acids over all those years I have been diagnosed with Barrett's syndrome which is a pre-curser to esophageal cancer. This requires specific monitoring to make sure it doesn't progress into cancer. The 2nd was eventually losing my battle with food and bulimia and needing to get back some control in my life I opted for very painful (but so worth it) gastric bypass surgery. Which ended my love affair with food altogether - but we needed to break-up anyway. The food wasn't filling my heart it was just slowly killing me.

5- Guilt, Justification, Anger, and Anxiety: Sex is a pleasurable thing. So when I got to an age that the abuse would actually give me sexual pleasure that shame kicked into high gear. I had to come up with reason why I felt that pleasure. I must be in love. So forever more the line was blurred between sex and love. I look back at this now and feel ridiculous.  My little mature 12 year old brain could barely wrap my head around having a period, how did this fit in? I was guiltier and more broken then ever at this point. I often would feel like running away would be a great idea, or maybe if I just never woke up. Some people get depressed, I got angry, and I was completely angry and awful to everyone around me for years. Anger was the thing that allowed me to push people away before they realized I wasn't worthy of their love. I hated them before they hated me. Worst of all it was exhausting - all the guilt, shame, self-loathing which manifested in crazy anxious thoughts running through my head constantly left me literally hanging on by my finger nails off the edge of the emotional cliff all the time.

6-Church and Confession: My secret was safe and sound, locked away until I was 17. My parents were in Hawaii for Christmas and this year Emily and I were old enough to be left alone. I had a car and money, and all was well for the first half of their trip, but then it all turned ugly and awful. The uncle in question, another aunt some of her family, and my grandmother showed up at the house and essentially stormed the castle. They were trying to get the uncle in question to comply with some request. It was something stupid, like a haircut or a counseling session but he was not going to comply. And the argument was taking place right there at my house. Eventually it turned violent with my uncle punching holes in walls and making physical threats. I had Emily to think of, so I grabbed her and loaded her up in my car and took off out of there to get us out of harm’s way. The police were called and all sorts of drama ensued. I was not there for the drama. I think Emily and I went for ice cream, and tried to act like all was well as to not worry her.

I may not have been there for the drama but I was there for the fallout. The uncle was not arrested. There was no home owner at the house to make a complaint. We had all fled or were on vacation. But in an effort to try and explain his behavior and get out of trouble for the day with his mother/my grandmother, he decided to confess his sins against me to her. When I arrived home she was waiting for me. In her head I was responsible as well. I have never in my life felt such humiliation. I had to answer questions and account for what I had stopped from happening to me 3 years prior. The gig was up. I had no choice but to tell my parents - who were blissfully unaware and flying home from Hawaii the next day.

The next day I sat them down and told them, and like a dutiful, mature, and smart girl, I took full responsibility. When I look back at it now, it is a complete fog. I have no idea how I got the words out. That was followed by a trip to the Bishop who made me account in humiliating and painful detail again - He was full of questions about my sexual pleasure. I lied, I just lied and lied and kept taking responsibility. When all was said and done I was supposed to be forgiven, clean again. I wasn't clean again, I felt more broken and less loved by God than I had ever felt. I was done with the Mormon Church in that moment. Done, FOREVER.

Calm down everyone I don't blame the church at all!! I gave that up years ago!! But God and I are not square yet (we have a few items we are working on) and we never may be, and that is okay!! I have it handled.

So - What changed?

When I was 19 I was stoned out of my mind, and drunk after attending a Crosby, Steels and Nash concert at the state fairgrounds in Arizona. A knock came at the door and there was Jay. Jay was friend of a boy that really liked me. I have no idea what that boys name was, but he and I had, had a couple make-out sessions and in one of them the boy farted. I grew up in a very formal family, and for the life of me I could not get over the fart. It just ruined any chance he had with me from there on out. So in an effort to try and get me back he would often send up his much cuter buddy Jay to lure me down to the fart guys apartment for a beer. A few times it worked and I would go down, but then the cuter Jay would disappear and I would be left with fart boy.

This time the ploy was not going to work. And so when Jay suggested we go downstairs, I said the following (it is amazing what you will say when you are stoned and drunk) "Listen, I don't like your friend, I am never going to like your friend, but I think you are cute, so if you want to stay, that works for me, and if not, oh well, but I am not going with you down to his apartment!" Jay stayed. A one night stand ensued the product of which is my most beloved son Keaton.

Keaton saved my life!! He loved me and I loved him, and nothing from my secret past or my past transgressions could change that. If all else fell completely apart we had each other. It was the first time in a very long time I allowed myself to feel love as big and loves is, and receive it the same way.

Now, let's be clear, it's not like a magic pill. I still went on to drug and drink, mostly drug but my sexually risky behavior went away completely. I did marry a man who could not hold down a job for more than 3 months at a go, the entire time we were married (14 years) and was a raging alcoholic who hit me from time to time. And I put up with it, because I still had shame, I still had guilt. I deserved this man. But, two of the biggest loves of my life came from that union, Kennedy and Jackson. But I wasn't a positive person. I was jaded and hard. I had a temper like you would not believe. I could and would rage like a mad woman at the drop of a hat. Now I wasn't just angry about my past, but angry about my husband. I actually had a migraine headache for almost 2 years at the end of that relationship.

For my ex father-in-laws 65th birthday we decide to give him a sky diving gift certificate. When the day came we all went out to watch him jump out of the plane.
While he was getting prepped the owner of the place saddled up to me and almost whispered in my ear. "You should do it too" never one to turn down a challenge I said cheerfully "Ok" just 45 minutes later. I was literally up in the air around 13 thousand feet with a total stranger strapped to my back. It is one of those things where you are standing in the doorway and the expert yells in your ear "We go on three. 1, 2" you never hear the three. You simply realize that you are free falling turning and twisting and watching a perfectly good plane fly away, as you free fall for 2 straight minutes. Until the ground is getting closer and closer and you are sending mental telepathy messages in your head that say "Um, we should open the shoot now, now would be good, no really, now? Okay this is getting serious open the shoot!! Open the shoot!" And just when you think all is lost. The expert opens that shoot. Whew!!!!

A crazy thing happened that day. I decided if I could jump out of a plane I could do anything! And so I decided that a divorce was needed. No longer did I deserve this alcoholic with his promises of change, and promises of this time he would keep the job. No longer would I be afraid that he would hit me or Keaton in a fit of rage. I was free, and if I was free from that, maybe I could be free from all of it. The guilt, the shame, the worthless thoughts, and the constant justifications of why my life was the way it was. The pretending everything was fine when it was clearly not fine. Keaton had saved my life, but Sky Diving had saved my soul.

Not to long after the divorce was final I met James. I was dating a few other men at the time, but none of them were marriage material, and this time I was absolutely determined to marry a good man!! I deserved that, my children deserved that. We met on a slightly blind date at the Olive Garden. He was much taller than I expected but he was a gentleman from top to bottom, and when he opened the door for me with one hand and put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me through the restaurant. I knew, it just knew, I was going to marry this man. He was absolutely the opposite of everything I thought I wanted but I could feel it in my bones, he was a good man. We spent most the evening talking about his family. How strange is that? His sister had put a family calendar out, and he took it out, and walked my through each of the pictures and how much he loved each and every member of his family. I thought to myself - oh dear!! This is it!! Damn it!! I didn't even get to have much fun single time. And 6 months later we were married!! And guess what - He is the best man I have ever known (well along with my dad, and a few others) Keaton saved my life, Skydiving saved my soul, and James saved my heart!

Okay - because I am a silver linings kind of gal - here are some gifts that came out of that terrible thing that happened to me:

1-I am generally completely in touch with others emotional pain. I really can feel it almost a mile away. It pains me, and because I know what it is like I want nothing more than to move them through it. It is the same for shame. Shame will eat you alive and when I feel someone who is feeling shame I like to think I can be told anything without judging them. People make mistakes; people have terrible things happen to them. For nearly 20 years I was a victim of shame, if I can help anyone through and out of it, I have to, it is almost a compulsion.

2- I have radar for sexual predators like you would not believe!!! My children have been schooled in what to look for from the word go. They have also been taught to listen to their intuition. Intuition, the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to call it is number one gift we are born with!! Talking about it, listening to it, encouraging your children your spouse, your friends to trust it, is the best advice you can ever give. It doesn't happen when you suddenly turn 8 it happens the moment you can reason, and should be exercised every single day!!

3- At my home everything is talked about, everything. Even if it uncomfortable or embarrassing we talk about it. We also have a motto coined by my wonder twin brother Travis "Secrets give you Cancer" yes, I realize that cancer comes from many different places but at our house for our family it starts with Secrets! Secrets and Shame go hand in hand. So we have a no secret policy. Because we all want to be as clear of shame as much as possible!!

There are probably more, but this blog is pretty long and I think I will wrap it up here. The good news is I have forgiven. The good news is my family still loves me like crazy. The good news is I came through the other side and probably the best news is - I love me!!

If this blogs helps anyone else - yay me, yay them!!

Much Love XOXO - Jenn

The Transformation of Jorri :Cinderella, Evil Step Mothers & Dalycia LaFosse

If you haven't seen Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day; you really must go out and rent it right now!!! It came out around 6 years ago, and once I saw it, it became one of my top movies off all time. It is one of those movies that speaks to my soul. For I can't help but put myself in movies, in this one I am both Dalycia Lafosse, and Miss Pettigrew. Depending on how you know me or the role I am playing in any given day you will probably identify me as one of the characters as well. I immediately went home grabbed my girls and took them to see the movie as well.  That day neither of them identified with a role in the film, but I know at least Jorri aspired to and I would imagine that they both do now.

 When I met Jorri she was an awkward, overweight, 9 year old with two parents doing the best they could. She has a wonderful resilient mother who had just recently been remarried, after a divorce, several moves, a slightly unpredictable ex, and several years of being a single parent to two daughters that she loves dearly! At the time she was doing her best to also combine a new family with 2 other step kids thrown into the mix.  James on the other hand was a 7 year bachelor with a steady stream of living by the seat of his pants, girlfriends, roommates, moves, job changes, and drama of his own.

I think we can all agree that Jorri was loved, is loved, up one side and down the other. But she was dealing with her own challenges. I was one of those challenges!!  The first time I met Jorri I was on my best behavior, and she, hers. This is a terrible place, best behavior land, because you really don't know who you are getting. I actually went to church with she and James (that tells you everything you need to know) we were able to skate out right after sacrament meeting, while she happily went off to primary. James and I went to a book store and browsed the books, killing time. I found a book about Fairies; it was a large coffee table size book. With a price tag of $40. Apparently that was a lot of money at the time, it wasn't to me. So I bought it for her. As you can imagine she was thrilled!!

Success!! I thought to myself, she was purchased for the low, low price of $40. To say this was absolutely delusional would be a gigantic understatement. Jorri was by far one of the most difficult children in the world for me. She had a culture all her own, and needless to say, it wasn't mine. Jorri was the pickiest eater on the planet; she had been existing on a steady stream of fast food. She was living on French fries and processed chicken nuggets. She was afraid of everything, I mean everything!! Water, Rides at Disneyland, Movies, being alone, the dark, hot dogs, essentially anything that was new. I spent the first 4 years trying to Jenn-erize her. She resisted.

My Jenn-erizing took many forms. There was her style, polar opposite to mine. If I loved black classic and sleek, she loved crazy blue, bright pink and purple. There was food.  I would push her to try new things and she would sit hour after hour at the table and pick a tiny bite at a time, and then give us a dramatic gagging scene. There were chores at our house, my children understanding the "right" way to do everything. She was on what I can only call “Jorri standard time" which is very, very slow, and unaware of how you are affecting the group. She was quite literally being transformed all right!!She was turning into Cinderella and I was absolutely the wicked step mother!

This went on for almost 5 years. She could not be bought, or reasoned with, and only some of my hostage techniques, or bribery worked. Worst yet it took its toll on her relationship with her dad. James loves Jorri as big as love is!! He was always trying to get her to come down to Utah and spend time with us, and I was always acting supportive, but we all were secretly uneasy about whatever battle would come out of the visit. Believe me, there was always a battle. And for the record, they were 100 percent my fault!! I was completely evil and manipulative. I was trying to constantly control my environment. That included Jorri, I wanted her to buy in, to "get it", but no matter how I dressed it up, or forced it down, she remained Jorri.

Now - I don't want to paint an inaccurate picture. It's not like Jorri didn't grow and change and adapt, and even begin to assimilate to the "Jenn" way. But never fully and never fast enough for me. Also, let it be known that throughout this whole time, I was never dealing with a terrible child. She never did anything bad. She was, in fact, the opposite, she was too good!! It drove me crazy. She basically was lovely and sweet, and was always kind to everyone, and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. She saw the sweet, she thought the best of, and she was, in my world weak.

Weak is the flip side of my coin! I hate feeling weak, so when I sense weak, I am like a heat seeking missile to destroy, or improve. I really can't help myself. I give people two choices - you can either become strong, or I must rid you from my life. It is something I struggle and fail with all the time.  Well, kids are not something you rid yourself of, and so we went round and round and round. It was exhausting. I was exhausted, James was exhausted. I know Jorri was not only exhausted but confused and hurt. For she was trying too, trying to break the code of Jenn, and just when she thought she had it, I would want more, expect more, round and round and round.

I am not sure when it changed. But it did. I began to see her. I began to see how difficult being weak from time to time was for her, how often her kindness would be taken for granted and her heart broken, broken by people she loved dearly. I changed. Because I found that I knew how that felt. I think we all know how that feels. Heartbroken is a universal feeling and for Jorri and me it was common ground. Can I just tell you what a relief common ground is!!!

We became buddies, not call each other every day buddies, but I get you and you are starting to get me buddies. So when we were together we appreciated each other more. It's not like I stopped pushing and pressing her, and it's not like she suddenly was fully Jenn-erized but, we just got easier.

This last August on the way to the beach for our annual trip, we had stopped for the night in Sacramento. That night, with the girls in their hotel room and us in ours, we heard a knock at the door at 4:00 in the morning. It was Jorri's friend Hannah - "Jorri is in trouble, come quick" we walked in and found Jorri moaning and balled up. Another kidney stone courtesy of James and his genetic side of the equation. We acted quickly grabbing Jorri and heading to the nearest Emergency room. To be honest, I was mad!

I was mad because this was happening again. We had spent a good deal of time, money, and pain the summer before on kidney stones. And I was just sure this was going to ruin the trip we had spent a small fortune on. Mad because I was awake at 4:00 am -no coffee, not wise. And mad mostly because Jorri had not taken the warnings of her doctors the year before seriously and had put on weight, not drinking enough water, not taking care of her diet, and here we were about to spend at least hundreds of dollars in the ER again!! I was worried this would happen every year the rest of her life, and that was not okay with me. No one should go through that!

So, at 4:15 am, in the Sutter Hospital ER with a woman who was being guarded by police screaming at the top of her lungs in the room next door, Jorri, James, and I had a serious talk! We laid it down. This kind of life was unacceptable; we loved her and cared about her too much for this to happen anymore. She had to take control of her diet, her weight and her life. We would provide her any resources she needed. We would be her life support team, but she needed to own it. She needed to decide that her life would not be like this!! I 'm not sure if is it was the kidney stone, or the hard discussion, but tears were shed, agreements made, and we all 3 left the hospital that morning determined that this would not be her life!

Cut to last weekend, Jorri had auditioned and been selected to be a featured soloist at the Jazz Band fundraiser, her show choir was performing as well. So James and jumped in the car and went up to Pocatello to see her sing. This fund raiser is a very fun concept. They serve dinner in one section and have auction items in the other section, and then have the jazz band performing in the center - like Dinner theater with a dance floor.

We walked in unsure what to expect when suddenly there was Jorri all smiles, and confidence twirling around and hugging us with joy and happiness. We almost didn't recognize her; 25 pounds lighter both inside and out. She was simply lighting up the room. Long gone was that awkward girl, who was trying to find her place - a confident beautiful lady with a voice in her place. When she took the stage to sing, a giant cheer rose from the crowd and the dance floor immediately filledfor her jazz solo, and later it filled up again for her up tempo - It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing - she owned the micro, the room and our hearts. I was looking at her and thinking - When did Jorri Become Dalycia LaFosse ?- But she was her, and it was amazing, confident, and magical.

Later that evening her proud, puffed up dad James was able to dance with her during one of the last numbers that evening. It brought tears to my eyes as I watched them 2 step on the dance floor. Radiant Jorri Beaming Dad. Like a fairy tale from one of those books she loved. I felt proud. Knowing full well all the credit was hers. She had made it out of being “Jenn” ed I love Jorri, all of her – From the top of that blonde head to the tips of her tapping toes!! And at least in this story – They all lived happily ever after – Even the evil step mother – me J

Jenn, James, and the Mexican (Possibly Imaginary) Sharks

#sharks #jaws #vacation #adventure #cancun #mexico

Would it be a Vacation if there wasn't a little Adventure?

It must be said that this isn't my fault. Tim and Patcee are completely to blame!! When I was 5 years old the movie "Jaws" came out in theaters. We had just recently moved to Utah from Northern California and my parents really wanted to see the movie. I don't know if they could not find a sitter or if they were just young parents who didn't think it through, but they loaded me up in the car, with a baby mattress in the back seat and all sorts of blankets and pillows to make my spot comfortable in the car and they took me to a double header at the Drive-In movie.

You remember Drive-In movies they were the best if you had children who might get bored or not sit still in a regular movie theater. Most Drive In's even had playground equipment at them. My mom would make some popcorn, and grabs some red vines and the three of us would happily go see the latest show. When we lived in California we would even stop by Jack-in-the-Box and pick up dinner before.  I loved that part because they always gave me a sucker and a balloon with my meal.

Well on this night they were playing Jaws at the Drive-In. I was still having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that we had moved to a place that didn't have an ocean. I had spent almost every single weekend of my whole little 5 year old life at the beach, my dad was an avid surfer - Utah didn't even have a lake with proper sand. So this night when I realized that this movie was about the ocean, my little eyes were glued to the screen. I think it may have been the first movie in my life that I paid complete attention too. My parents thought I would get bored and fall asleep - I was riveted!! Prior to this movie I didn't even know what a shark was, but now and forever more, the damage was done - I was scared to death of them!

I did continue to get in the ocean, mostly now just once or twice a year when we went on vacation. But it did take particular concentration on facing my fear. I had to tell myself little stories like "Come on Jenn, what is the likelihood the shark will eat you? There are so many other people in the water and they are out farther than you" the logic being - Sharks are lazy and will eat what is nearest. What??!! I also had one more Shark experience that re-enforced my fear.

We were on vacation and I was about 11. That year we had driven down to San Diego from LA to go to Sea World. I loved Sea World the shows were amazing and interesting and you got to see Dolphins and Killer Whales up close, and the day was really fun. One of the attractions there was the shark tank. They had all different types of sharks swimming in a tank which was like a large cylinder. Most of the action was happening down underground in the thick glass that would allow you to go from tank to tank and look at the sharks.

There was one tank that caught my eye and I had been standing there for a while watching a Bull Shark watch me. I was just sure the shark was watching me. It was swimming in a circle and looking straight at me every time it would make another round. "Dad!" I said slightly concerned "That shark is looking at me!" "Jenn" he replied "Don't be silly, that shark is not looking at you." "Yes, yes, yes he is" I assured my father. Just then the shark came around for the final time, and with full force charged the glass hitting it hard! I jumped nearly out of my skin, tripping over people as I scampered back away from the glass. There was a park employee nearby that ran over and assured me I would be okay, the glass wasn't going to break, and his theory was that the shark was interested in me because I was wearing a red shirt. It didn't matter why, I was even more convinced, it was me against them!

Okay- Cut to last week. Jackson's grandparents had decided to take him on a Caribbean cruise (Saint Kitts, Puerto Rico, Haiti, etc.) for his 11th birthday. Spoiled Much? So James and I who never had a real honeymoon decided now was the time to take our own little vacation. Cancun looked like it fit the bill perfectly and we booked ourselves 5 days in paradise. When we talked about going, all I wanted to do was relax, and maybe see the Mayan Pyramids. James' one request was to go snorkeling.  When we got to the hotel it was beautiful, it was paradise and as if by some miracle years of stress and worry literally melted away. We actually felt lighter.

We decided to spend the first day at the hotel, and then the 2nd as well. We were having a hard time mustering the gumption to do anything but what people do on a romantic vacation, along with sleep, and eat, and swim and soak and sleep some more. Finally we decided we needed to do an actual activity that was native to the region. So we went to the concierge type place on property and booked an excursion. Truthfully we booked two, but we never made it to the 2nd one.

Our choice was a guided jungle cruise on which each couple would get their own little ski boat to drive.  Once you had toured the "jungle" you would then drive out to the open ocean and rendezvous with a guide who would then take you out to snorkel on the giant reef that was several hundred yards off the shoreline. James and I were super excited but as we woke up the following morning the weather had taken a turn. A storm was brewing. We both were slightly bummed out because we were just sure that the company would cancel due to the weather. Hoping the storm would pass we made our way off property and over to where we were start our adventure.

When we got to the Marina the place was nearly empty except for the workers. Looking back maybe that should have been a sign. There were us, and another couple from Iowa. They were younger; she was tall, slim, blonde, really pretty and very worried about the weather. He just wanted to make her happy. So as we sat there waiting for our guide and instructions we chatted with them. She was fretting and I started doing what I always do. I started selling her. "No, no this will blow over, it will be fine, blah, blah, blah"- she decided they would go too.

But here is the deal, it didn't blow over, it blew in, and as we loaded into our little 15 foot ski boat that was being held together with duct tape - the waves started getting bigger and bigger - and they proceeded to do that as James drove the boat out of the marina. Apparently Mexican jungle cruises don't cancel or postpone for squalls in the weather. 5-6 foot swells with driving rain, the kind that hits your skin and stings a little. We had to keep our sunglasses on to prevent it from hurting our eyes, and allowing them to stay open to see what was coming next. James takes this opportunity to tell me he hasn't driven a boat since he was about 15. He is 41. I have been driving boats of one type or another my whole life , so as you can imagine this caused me immediate concern, and if we are being perfectly honest - I started planning my strategy for how I was going to survive and get back to shore when the boat flipped or sank.

James was actually doing a really good job following the guide boat and letting him give us a smoother wake to navigate through. But at this point the weather cranks it up a notch. The rain is coming down in what I can only describe as per-hurricane, and neither of us has windshield wipers on our sunglasses. Trying to break the tension I looked up at the sky and said "You call this a storm!!!" in my most Lieutenant Dan voice and giggle, James laughs too, and tells me how much the other couple hates us right now. The weather continues to worsen as our little boat is smashing against the waves and rain is coming down in a stinging downpour but there is no turning back now. We follow as James yells at me over the roar of the boat, ocean, and storm - "Jenn, I can't see, I can't see" Between the storm and his contacts which have stopped working he is officially been turned into the white Stevie Wonder- So I take off my glasses and try to give him the best verbal directions I can on how to stay up with our guide, who seems to have no concern at all for our safety.

After what seems like a 3 hour tour, we make it to the open ocean and somehow rendezvous with our guide. He has anchored his boat to a buoy and then tied our boat and the other couples boat to each other. She is absolutely glaring at me and declares, she is not getting in the water - again he just wants to please her, so they just sit in their boat and try to stay warm.  James and I have been through hell to get here, so if the guide is getting in the water, we are getting in the water!! It's time to snorkel!!

As we jump in the water with our fins, masks, and air hose thingy’s - The water warms us immediately - This is much better than the death trap they call a boat, and we are maybe 300 yards off shore at the tip of the peninsula - so I am feeling much better about everything. There is another group from a different marina maybe 50 yards away, and one of the women is screeching loudly about a shark. The guide turns to me and says in broken English - "Listen, you see the shark, don't freak out, be calm, the shark go away, just be calm" This pep talk had the opposite effect on me, but I am determined to be brave "okay, got it" I say. The little voice says in my head - "the shark will probably eat that lady - she is making so much noise."

So me, James and our guide start to snorkel around the reef. The guide has been doing this his whole life, and so he is moving through the strong currents with the ease of a fish. I am a swimmer, so I am holding my own and enjoying myself gliding through the reef following the fish - It surprised me we could see everything blue and alive, fish darting in and out, and all manner of beautiful and strange creatures on the reef. I was having a ball following the guide. James was having fun too, puttering around at a much slower pace, because he is not a swimmer, so his kick was slapping the water with the fins. I decided to swim over to him and offer to teach him to kick properly but he was enjoying himself and in no particular hurry to get anywhere quickly. So we parted and I explored around with the guide and he went his merry way.

At one point we were all in the same area as the guide pointed out a statue that was under water, he told his there was another one about 100 yards away if we wanted to see it. Yes, we agreed and off we swam to the buoy that marked where it was. I was their within a few minutes. But James was taking forever, so for a while, I just held onto buoy and floated on my back waiting for him to arrive, but eventually I was tired of holding on, and so I let go of the buoy, and without even feeling it, I started to just drift, when I finally looked back I was about 15 yards from the buoy. I decided to swim back, but when I turned over to do that I was directly on top of the reef. I panicked, looking side to side, trying to figure out, how I was going to get off. The best thing I could think of was that I would reach down and grab a portion of the reef, and use it to pull myself forward hard enough that I would be off it enough, to kick off.

As I reached down a large wave pushed me down, and instead of grabbing it with my hand, my wrist, and several spots on my right leg were propelled directly down on the reef, putting several gashes everywhere it touched me. Ocean reefs are sharp, and this one had just shredded my wrist, and cut up my leg. The guide noticed I was in trouble and a large hand came across the only place to grab me and pulled me hard off the middle of the reef. I came up for air, and looked at my wrist - it was bleeding pretty badly. I looked at the guide and said "I'm bleeding" the fear raising up in my voice, and every single shark week I had ever watched on the discovery channel racing through my head. "We need to get out of the water now" he says.

The adrenaline was absolutely pumping through my body at full tilt. I am 200 yards from the boats. I start to swim as fast as I have ever swum in my life. I am in that moment Michael Phelps. I have stopped breathing altogether - My whole body is just propelling me forward to the boat - When I get to the boat all my strength is gone. I can't pull myself out of the water. The guide make it there a few minutes later, jumps on the back of the boat comes around and with a combined effort of me pushing off and him pulling I am out of the water. Looking down at my leg it is bleeding too, and I am so relieved to be out of the water. I am alive - The shark isn't getting me today. It then occurs to me that James is not near.

James has been happily snorkeling through this entire episode, having no idea his loving wife just left him in the newly chummed ocean. I have to be honest in all the time I was swimming like crazy to the boat; James never even entered my head. But now there he was the only one left in the water, and finally he looked up to discover that everyone else was no longer snorkeling. He tells me now – He thought “Really? What the Hell? I just got here!” – He had finally arrived at the buoy.  And although I maintain that I was motioning dramatically for him to swim back to the boat. It’s his story that he just thought it was time to for the excursion to end. So as fast as he could he swam back over to the boat. When he was finally also back in the boat safe and sound – He finally realized that his wife was bleeding and he then formulated – That the entire adventure was just a way for me to cash in on his life insurance policy ;)

Although I was scrapped up, James really had used all of his energy fighting the currents and making it back to the boat – So I drove us back to the marina, and the weather by this time had calmed significantly so the drive back was a relative breeze. We docked the boat and went to turn in our gear, at which time we were presented with our souvenir photo which make us both laugh when we see it and medical treatment which consisted of iodine – Ouch!!

I win sharks – I win!