A Parenting Note: The Truth about Lying and Freedom

The Necklace, The King of the Mountain, and The Video Evidence

When I saw the necklace on the ground of the empty classroom, it caught my eye. Gold and shimmering in the sunlight coming through the window. It was after school and I was waiting for my friend to get done with her "on air" radio assignment with our High School station. I went over and picked it up. Simple really, just a flimsy gold chain with a heart that hung from the bottom. I looked around - there were no girls in the classroom, I opened the door and looked down the hall. No girls down the hall. Satisfied that I had done my due diligence I took the clasp, undid it, and put it around my neck. Not one to wear jewelry often, I kind of forgot about it quickly. It was just a quick moment and then it passed. The necklace cheap and light around my neck.

I see now, the right thing to do would have been to turn it into the High School lost and found. That literally never occurred to me. It just didn't seem to have any value, something I would not have gone crazy looking for. So I did not turn it into the lost and found. I simply shrugged it off and put it around my neck and forgot about it. Ah, the decisions of a 16 year old who thinks they know everything.

A few days later my mother got a phone call from Evelyn. Evelyn was a large and daunting woman of over 6 feet tall. She and her husband owned the premier realty business in town. They lived down the street from me. Everyone we knew lived down the street from me. These were the days of small town Orem, everyone knew everyone. Your father either worked at the Steele Mill (Geneva) or BYU and soon the people would all work at Word Perfect or Novell. At least that what it seemed like to me. And then their was Evelyn and Mr. Evelyn - These giants (literally) that ran the buying and selling of homes in our small town.

Evelyn called to tell my mother that I had stolen Liz's necklace. My mother knew I was not the type to steal anything. I may have been a troubled teenager, but stealing really wasn't in my wheel house. So she assured Evelyn that she would ask me about it and get back to her. I remember the conversation happening in our entry way at the bottom of the stairs going up to my room. It was presented to me like this "Evelyn just called and said the strangest thing, she is accusing you of stealing Liz's gold necklace." My mother stated incredulously, She didn't even ask me about it, I literally had to scan my mind and figure out what she was talking about. "I did not" I stated matter of fact! It was true, I hadn't stolen the necklace, I had found the necklace.

But the that is where the truth stopped and the lying started. I was so offended at being accused of this crime I didn't commit - There was no way I was going to give Evelyn that satisfaction of thinking she caught me. So I lied, "This was a gift from Jenn" I stated, as I suddenly realized I was wearing the necklace, "She is confused. Why would I steal her necklace?" And being late for a haircut appointment I walked out of the house, got in my car and drove to the hair place. My mind racing all the way there. Why hadn't I just told my mother that I found it? Why did I have to win in that moment? I quickly realized that I was completely screwed on this, so I tried to develop a plan. Part 1 - Get Jenn to back up my story that the necklace was a gift.

After the haircut I found a quarter in my ashtray and went to a pay phone and called her. You remember pay phones? You put a quarter in and then called a number you knew by heart, and the people on the other side picked up because there was no caller id yet. As I counted the rings I thought "please be home, please be home" on about  ring number four, one of the 8 kids picked up the phone and I asked for Jenn. Jenn came on the phone and I explained my terrible predicament - when I was finished explaining this crazy situation with all the win/loss nuances Jenn wanted nothing to do with it. She just could not understand why I couldn't just tell my mom the truth, how the truth would not set me free but put me instead with a score of Evelyn 1 Me 0 (Can you tell that Evelyn and I have history. This is just 1 of many Karmic connections between us)

My plan having completely unravelled ( I read this now and think, my goodness I certainly wasn't very committed to getting out of this ) I knew the only thing to do was drive home and tell my mother the truth. The truth was awful for both of us, for she had already placed the call defending me, and now here I was telling her the story and I had lost all credibility. Evelyn would win that day. I would lose not just my mother's trust, but some of my integrity.

I was thinking about this story because a few weeks ago Jackson had a rough day at school. He has a nemesis there. Remember that swimming pool/lake game called King of the Mountain? Where there is a floaty type thing and who ever can stay on top and fight off others trying to knock them off is declared King. Well this kid is determined to knock Jackson off the imaginary mountain. He has gone to great lengths to get Jackson knocked off a mountain that most of the time Jackson is unaware that he is on. Great lengths include constant teasing about girls he likes or doesn't, teasing about his weight or who he plays for or with. Excluding at recess, the boys will be boys stuff. Guess how many times I have called the school and complained? Zero! At our house we teach you how to fight your own battles. And we are generally looking for what our children are doing to have magnetized this lesson into their lives.

It's always fun when your kid gets hauled into the principal's office to defend their behavior the day of parent/teacher conference. It really cements your feelings of how great your parenting techniques are working ;) Jackson had just that type of day. The boy in question had made the very believable claim that Jackson had punched him on the bus. I say believable because Jackson quickly becomes backed into a corner and feels the fight or flight reflex when his words run out or the taunting of "fat" and "slow" mix with late nights of sports and not enough sleep. He is competitive and will resort to his fists if that will cause him to win.

I was out of town, I am usually out of town during parent/teacher conference, because other than Kennedy once she got to junior high, they tend to make me feel uncomfortable and judged. Some moms are awesome at helping their kids in school. I am not one of those moms. Jackson called me (no one from the school) and told me about the meeting with the principal and the accusation and then he promised me up one side and down the other he did not punch that kid. I wanted to believe him, I really did, but in all honesty I didn't. I just didn't have faith in his self control. So I told him the necklace story and how sometimes it is better to tell the truth instead of win. But still he maintained his innocence. Unlike the necklace story this one had a Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) twist. They have video surveillance on the buses to and from school. The principal had ordered the tape!!

James went with Jackson to parent/teacher conference that night and it went pretty well all things considered! He has the best teacher yet in his short lived academic career. She sees Jackson - not just as a big kid who should have a waiver you must sign to play with him because chances are you may get hurt, even if he doesn't mean too - but as an incredible heart and giant spirit!! She gets him!! And for Jackson that is the biggest gift you can give him. James and I love her!!! They talked about his nemesis, and how Jackson was at fault as well for always taking the bait, and doing his fair share of dishing back. And she assured him she still thought he was great! After that part, James decided it might be a good idea to stop by the principal's office.

Jackson and James went right in and sat down. James explaining that he heard there may be trouble with Jackson and how he wanted to help if he could. The principal is also a big fan of Jackson's - I attribute this to Dewey the Dragon. Draper Elementary has a mascot named Dewey the Dragon. Every time the PTA or school holds a fundraising event or Fun Run, etc. They drag out Dewey and march him into every class and get each grade excited about the event. The lower grades really love that mascot, and he really hams it up and gives them a show. The costume is hot and awkward and guess who fits into it perfectly - Jackson. So Jackson and the principal are pretty close.  So when James went to talk with her she basically said, "I didn't call you because Jackson and I worked it out. He told me his story and I believe him, and if another parent hadn't complained, well, we would not have ordered the tape."

The tape, the tape, the tape!! James gave it another go with Jackson, explaining how he would still love him even if he hit the kid, but better to come clean about it now then to have the video prove him guilty. Jackson earnest eyed searched his soul and doubled down again holding firm to his innocence. James and I talked later that night and he said "Well, I sure hope that tape comes back in his favor because he certainly believes he is innocent" I hoped too!!! For the next 5 days on and off we kept taking a run at him, Did he remember anything? Anything to confess? Jackson held!

On the last day we needed to check him out for a baseball tournament in St. George. I went in and they called Jackson in from recess because the 5th grade was outside. When he came back inside the principal was also walking down the hall towards the office. Principal Riddle to Jackson "Good day today buddy?" "Yeah" says Jackson smiling because he is leaving early. I realize in that moment this is the principal (Yes, I realize good mothers probably know who the principal of their child's school is -Did you not catch the not awesome part above?) I turned to her and introduced myself to her and asked the big question "Did you get the tape back from the district yet?" Holding my breath for the answer...........

"Oh," she says, practically breezy "Yeah, that came back a couple of days ago. They had 2 different people review the tape, and there was absolutely nothing on there. I forgot to call you or tell Jackson because, well, I knew he was telling the truth" I exhaled. I have never been so happy to hear the news that my kid was telling the truth in my life! CSI Draper had cleared him :) "I told you!!" he said. "Yes I said I should have believed you" I apologized.

A few nights ago at around 9:45, when Jackson was suppose to be asleep he came out to where James and I were watching television and said "Dad, can you have Mom come back and talk to me?" It was something in his voice they made me go back there instead of telling him to stop stalling and go to sleep. I went back to his room and got in bed with him and snuggled up. He had some things he needed to get off his chest. All the soul searching about the other situation had brought up some secrets he had been keeping. Small things, silly things, but he needed to tell me about them. So I listened and gave him absolution and at least today - The truth has set him free!!

Much Love - Jenn

"Be Kind, Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle" - Rev John Watson

"Even You"- Glennon Doyle Melton

Caution: This blog is the most painful and vulnerable blog I have ever written. I didn't even know it needed to be written until yesterday. But when you feel moved to write about something you write about it. I am publishing it in hope that is will accomplish 2 things: 1- Provide help for anyone who is going through Shame, Abuse, etc. and 2- So the people who know me may understand me better. 

I have the full backing of Tim, Patcee, Emily, and James. Who all love me dearly!! I am so grateful for them. This blog is full of family secrets, and if you know my family you will know who I am talking about immediately. It needs to be stated that the person in question is now a paranoid schizophrenic. Although when the events below took place that diagnosis had not yet been made. Last but not least I am the same person I was before you read this blog, so essentially don't start treating me weird!! Read at your own risk.

When I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by an uncle that was only 5 years older than me. That will surprise some but not others. I hardly ever talk about it and for long periods of time, I forget completely about it. It happened to me on and off until I was 14 years old at which point I became strong enough to stop it. But the damage was done. Here is what that damage looks like:

1-Shame: I was completely convinced it was my fault. Being the older of two girls with a 7 year gap in age I was raised and told every day how smart I was, how mature I was, and tall. These were my labels; smart, mature, tall. So someone who is so smart, so mature must be able to stop themselves from being molested right? Right! So from that moment on I was a fraud, I was damaged, and completely unloved by God. I was not going to heaven when I died. I was unworthy and broken and worst of all I was carrying around a secret that was making me sick in my soul.

2- Risky Sexual Behavior: Damaged and broken girls who are carrying around secrets lose all of their self-worth. I was a mess of self-loathing. Which lead to other risky behavior because, why did it matter? Nobody who was anybody good would want me now. So I engaged in sexual activity with anyone who wanted to. That was the only validation I would get from men. These boys, these men just wanted to use me and throw me away. I was fine with that because I was getting the high of being wanted, and I certainly would not have stayed with me either- so this arrangement worked out for both parties. This led to a very painful sexually transmitted disease that I had to have surgery for when I was just 18. I remember my poor father sitting in the recovery room waiting for me, making sure I was okay when I came out of surgery. I can only imagine the absolute worry for me he had, and how surreal that experience must have been. That ultimately lead to a hysterectomy at just 37 - thankfully I was able to have each of my amazing children first!!

3- Drugs and alcohol: When you are walking around hiding shame all the time - getting stoned or drinking is an awesome escape. You can find places in your mind that you can access that allow you push those feeling down deep. You also find others of like broken-ness and that is where you feel most comfortable. Your family that loves you and can't understand what is happening ceases to feel like home and becomes instead a giant mirror reflecting how unworthy and hopeless your situation is. I hated being at home. I hated seeing them want so much for me, to be told how much potential I had when I knew if they knew, they would never love me again. I gave zero credit to my family, because after all, remember, it was all my fault. I have been completely depressed and borderline addicted to drugs at one point in my life. It took a small stay at a hospital to get me back in balance.

4-Food and Bulimia: I also turned to food to fill the giant hole in my heart. I would literally look at the menu and think how much can I eat without it looking like I am eating too much. While I was in junior high and high school and for a while after I would control this piece with purging. I was a master of vomit and could do it on command. It was awful, having eaten too much I would feel pained and then just a moment to steal away to the bathroom and out it would be. I would feel powerful for a moment having controlled it. This particular item had lasting effects. 1st from all the stomach acids over all those years I have been diagnosed with Barrett's syndrome which is a pre-curser to esophageal cancer. This requires specific monitoring to make sure it doesn't progress into cancer. The 2nd was eventually losing my battle with food and bulimia and needing to get back some control in my life I opted for very painful (but so worth it) gastric bypass surgery. Which ended my love affair with food altogether - but we needed to break-up anyway. The food wasn't filling my heart it was just slowly killing me.

5- Guilt, Justification, Anger, and Anxiety: Sex is a pleasurable thing. So when I got to an age that the abuse would actually give me sexual pleasure that shame kicked into high gear. I had to come up with reason why I felt that pleasure. I must be in love. So forever more the line was blurred between sex and love. I look back at this now and feel ridiculous.  My little mature 12 year old brain could barely wrap my head around having a period, how did this fit in? I was guiltier and more broken then ever at this point. I often would feel like running away would be a great idea, or maybe if I just never woke up. Some people get depressed, I got angry, and I was completely angry and awful to everyone around me for years. Anger was the thing that allowed me to push people away before they realized I wasn't worthy of their love. I hated them before they hated me. Worst of all it was exhausting - all the guilt, shame, self-loathing which manifested in crazy anxious thoughts running through my head constantly left me literally hanging on by my finger nails off the edge of the emotional cliff all the time.

6-Church and Confession: My secret was safe and sound, locked away until I was 17. My parents were in Hawaii for Christmas and this year Emily and I were old enough to be left alone. I had a car and money, and all was well for the first half of their trip, but then it all turned ugly and awful. The uncle in question, another aunt some of her family, and my grandmother showed up at the house and essentially stormed the castle. They were trying to get the uncle in question to comply with some request. It was something stupid, like a haircut or a counseling session but he was not going to comply. And the argument was taking place right there at my house. Eventually it turned violent with my uncle punching holes in walls and making physical threats. I had Emily to think of, so I grabbed her and loaded her up in my car and took off out of there to get us out of harm’s way. The police were called and all sorts of drama ensued. I was not there for the drama. I think Emily and I went for ice cream, and tried to act like all was well as to not worry her.

I may not have been there for the drama but I was there for the fallout. The uncle was not arrested. There was no home owner at the house to make a complaint. We had all fled or were on vacation. But in an effort to try and explain his behavior and get out of trouble for the day with his mother/my grandmother, he decided to confess his sins against me to her. When I arrived home she was waiting for me. In her head I was responsible as well. I have never in my life felt such humiliation. I had to answer questions and account for what I had stopped from happening to me 3 years prior. The gig was up. I had no choice but to tell my parents - who were blissfully unaware and flying home from Hawaii the next day.

The next day I sat them down and told them, and like a dutiful, mature, and smart girl, I took full responsibility. When I look back at it now, it is a complete fog. I have no idea how I got the words out. That was followed by a trip to the Bishop who made me account in humiliating and painful detail again - He was full of questions about my sexual pleasure. I lied, I just lied and lied and kept taking responsibility. When all was said and done I was supposed to be forgiven, clean again. I wasn't clean again, I felt more broken and less loved by God than I had ever felt. I was done with the Mormon Church in that moment. Done, FOREVER.

Calm down everyone I don't blame the church at all!! I gave that up years ago!! But God and I are not square yet (we have a few items we are working on) and we never may be, and that is okay!! I have it handled.

So - What changed?

When I was 19 I was stoned out of my mind, and drunk after attending a Crosby, Steels and Nash concert at the state fairgrounds in Arizona. A knock came at the door and there was Jay. Jay was friend of a boy that really liked me. I have no idea what that boys name was, but he and I had, had a couple make-out sessions and in one of them the boy farted. I grew up in a very formal family, and for the life of me I could not get over the fart. It just ruined any chance he had with me from there on out. So in an effort to try and get me back he would often send up his much cuter buddy Jay to lure me down to the fart guys apartment for a beer. A few times it worked and I would go down, but then the cuter Jay would disappear and I would be left with fart boy.

This time the ploy was not going to work. And so when Jay suggested we go downstairs, I said the following (it is amazing what you will say when you are stoned and drunk) "Listen, I don't like your friend, I am never going to like your friend, but I think you are cute, so if you want to stay, that works for me, and if not, oh well, but I am not going with you down to his apartment!" Jay stayed. A one night stand ensued the product of which is my most beloved son Keaton.

Keaton saved my life!! He loved me and I loved him, and nothing from my secret past or my past transgressions could change that. If all else fell completely apart we had each other. It was the first time in a very long time I allowed myself to feel love as big and loves is, and receive it the same way.

Now, let's be clear, it's not like a magic pill. I still went on to drug and drink, mostly drug but my sexually risky behavior went away completely. I did marry a man who could not hold down a job for more than 3 months at a go, the entire time we were married (14 years) and was a raging alcoholic who hit me from time to time. And I put up with it, because I still had shame, I still had guilt. I deserved this man. But, two of the biggest loves of my life came from that union, Kennedy and Jackson. But I wasn't a positive person. I was jaded and hard. I had a temper like you would not believe. I could and would rage like a mad woman at the drop of a hat. Now I wasn't just angry about my past, but angry about my husband. I actually had a migraine headache for almost 2 years at the end of that relationship.

For my ex father-in-laws 65th birthday we decide to give him a sky diving gift certificate. When the day came we all went out to watch him jump out of the plane.
While he was getting prepped the owner of the place saddled up to me and almost whispered in my ear. "You should do it too" never one to turn down a challenge I said cheerfully "Ok" just 45 minutes later. I was literally up in the air around 13 thousand feet with a total stranger strapped to my back. It is one of those things where you are standing in the doorway and the expert yells in your ear "We go on three. 1, 2" you never hear the three. You simply realize that you are free falling turning and twisting and watching a perfectly good plane fly away, as you free fall for 2 straight minutes. Until the ground is getting closer and closer and you are sending mental telepathy messages in your head that say "Um, we should open the shoot now, now would be good, no really, now? Okay this is getting serious open the shoot!! Open the shoot!" And just when you think all is lost. The expert opens that shoot. Whew!!!!

A crazy thing happened that day. I decided if I could jump out of a plane I could do anything! And so I decided that a divorce was needed. No longer did I deserve this alcoholic with his promises of change, and promises of this time he would keep the job. No longer would I be afraid that he would hit me or Keaton in a fit of rage. I was free, and if I was free from that, maybe I could be free from all of it. The guilt, the shame, the worthless thoughts, and the constant justifications of why my life was the way it was. The pretending everything was fine when it was clearly not fine. Keaton had saved my life, but Sky Diving had saved my soul.

Not to long after the divorce was final I met James. I was dating a few other men at the time, but none of them were marriage material, and this time I was absolutely determined to marry a good man!! I deserved that, my children deserved that. We met on a slightly blind date at the Olive Garden. He was much taller than I expected but he was a gentleman from top to bottom, and when he opened the door for me with one hand and put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me through the restaurant. I knew, it just knew, I was going to marry this man. He was absolutely the opposite of everything I thought I wanted but I could feel it in my bones, he was a good man. We spent most the evening talking about his family. How strange is that? His sister had put a family calendar out, and he took it out, and walked my through each of the pictures and how much he loved each and every member of his family. I thought to myself - oh dear!! This is it!! Damn it!! I didn't even get to have much fun single time. And 6 months later we were married!! And guess what - He is the best man I have ever known (well along with my dad, and a few others) Keaton saved my life, Skydiving saved my soul, and James saved my heart!

Okay - because I am a silver linings kind of gal - here are some gifts that came out of that terrible thing that happened to me:

1-I am generally completely in touch with others emotional pain. I really can feel it almost a mile away. It pains me, and because I know what it is like I want nothing more than to move them through it. It is the same for shame. Shame will eat you alive and when I feel someone who is feeling shame I like to think I can be told anything without judging them. People make mistakes; people have terrible things happen to them. For nearly 20 years I was a victim of shame, if I can help anyone through and out of it, I have to, it is almost a compulsion.

2- I have radar for sexual predators like you would not believe!!! My children have been schooled in what to look for from the word go. They have also been taught to listen to their intuition. Intuition, the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to call it is number one gift we are born with!! Talking about it, listening to it, encouraging your children your spouse, your friends to trust it, is the best advice you can ever give. It doesn't happen when you suddenly turn 8 it happens the moment you can reason, and should be exercised every single day!!

3- At my home everything is talked about, everything. Even if it uncomfortable or embarrassing we talk about it. We also have a motto coined by my wonder twin brother Travis "Secrets give you Cancer" yes, I realize that cancer comes from many different places but at our house for our family it starts with Secrets! Secrets and Shame go hand in hand. So we have a no secret policy. Because we all want to be as clear of shame as much as possible!!

There are probably more, but this blog is pretty long and I think I will wrap it up here. The good news is I have forgiven. The good news is my family still loves me like crazy. The good news is I came through the other side and probably the best news is - I love me!!

If this blogs helps anyone else - yay me, yay them!!

Much Love XOXO - Jenn

The Transformation of Jorri :Cinderella, Evil Step Mothers & Dalycia LaFosse

If you haven't seen Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day; you really must go out and rent it right now!!! It came out around 6 years ago, and once I saw it, it became one of my top movies off all time. It is one of those movies that speaks to my soul. For I can't help but put myself in movies, in this one I am both Dalycia Lafosse, and Miss Pettigrew. Depending on how you know me or the role I am playing in any given day you will probably identify me as one of the characters as well. I immediately went home grabbed my girls and took them to see the movie as well.  That day neither of them identified with a role in the film, but I know at least Jorri aspired to and I would imagine that they both do now.

 When I met Jorri she was an awkward, overweight, 9 year old with two parents doing the best they could. She has a wonderful resilient mother who had just recently been remarried, after a divorce, several moves, a slightly unpredictable ex, and several years of being a single parent to two daughters that she loves dearly! At the time she was doing her best to also combine a new family with 2 other step kids thrown into the mix.  James on the other hand was a 7 year bachelor with a steady stream of living by the seat of his pants, girlfriends, roommates, moves, job changes, and drama of his own.

I think we can all agree that Jorri was loved, is loved, up one side and down the other. But she was dealing with her own challenges. I was one of those challenges!!  The first time I met Jorri I was on my best behavior, and she, hers. This is a terrible place, best behavior land, because you really don't know who you are getting. I actually went to church with she and James (that tells you everything you need to know) we were able to skate out right after sacrament meeting, while she happily went off to primary. James and I went to a book store and browsed the books, killing time. I found a book about Fairies; it was a large coffee table size book. With a price tag of $40. Apparently that was a lot of money at the time, it wasn't to me. So I bought it for her. As you can imagine she was thrilled!!

Success!! I thought to myself, she was purchased for the low, low price of $40. To say this was absolutely delusional would be a gigantic understatement. Jorri was by far one of the most difficult children in the world for me. She had a culture all her own, and needless to say, it wasn't mine. Jorri was the pickiest eater on the planet; she had been existing on a steady stream of fast food. She was living on French fries and processed chicken nuggets. She was afraid of everything, I mean everything!! Water, Rides at Disneyland, Movies, being alone, the dark, hot dogs, essentially anything that was new. I spent the first 4 years trying to Jenn-erize her. She resisted.

My Jenn-erizing took many forms. There was her style, polar opposite to mine. If I loved black classic and sleek, she loved crazy blue, bright pink and purple. There was food.  I would push her to try new things and she would sit hour after hour at the table and pick a tiny bite at a time, and then give us a dramatic gagging scene. There were chores at our house, my children understanding the "right" way to do everything. She was on what I can only call “Jorri standard time" which is very, very slow, and unaware of how you are affecting the group. She was quite literally being transformed all right!!She was turning into Cinderella and I was absolutely the wicked step mother!

This went on for almost 5 years. She could not be bought, or reasoned with, and only some of my hostage techniques, or bribery worked. Worst yet it took its toll on her relationship with her dad. James loves Jorri as big as love is!! He was always trying to get her to come down to Utah and spend time with us, and I was always acting supportive, but we all were secretly uneasy about whatever battle would come out of the visit. Believe me, there was always a battle. And for the record, they were 100 percent my fault!! I was completely evil and manipulative. I was trying to constantly control my environment. That included Jorri, I wanted her to buy in, to "get it", but no matter how I dressed it up, or forced it down, she remained Jorri.

Now - I don't want to paint an inaccurate picture. It's not like Jorri didn't grow and change and adapt, and even begin to assimilate to the "Jenn" way. But never fully and never fast enough for me. Also, let it be known that throughout this whole time, I was never dealing with a terrible child. She never did anything bad. She was, in fact, the opposite, she was too good!! It drove me crazy. She basically was lovely and sweet, and was always kind to everyone, and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. She saw the sweet, she thought the best of, and she was, in my world weak.

Weak is the flip side of my coin! I hate feeling weak, so when I sense weak, I am like a heat seeking missile to destroy, or improve. I really can't help myself. I give people two choices - you can either become strong, or I must rid you from my life. It is something I struggle and fail with all the time.  Well, kids are not something you rid yourself of, and so we went round and round and round. It was exhausting. I was exhausted, James was exhausted. I know Jorri was not only exhausted but confused and hurt. For she was trying too, trying to break the code of Jenn, and just when she thought she had it, I would want more, expect more, round and round and round.

I am not sure when it changed. But it did. I began to see her. I began to see how difficult being weak from time to time was for her, how often her kindness would be taken for granted and her heart broken, broken by people she loved dearly. I changed. Because I found that I knew how that felt. I think we all know how that feels. Heartbroken is a universal feeling and for Jorri and me it was common ground. Can I just tell you what a relief common ground is!!!

We became buddies, not call each other every day buddies, but I get you and you are starting to get me buddies. So when we were together we appreciated each other more. It's not like I stopped pushing and pressing her, and it's not like she suddenly was fully Jenn-erized but, we just got easier.

This last August on the way to the beach for our annual trip, we had stopped for the night in Sacramento. That night, with the girls in their hotel room and us in ours, we heard a knock at the door at 4:00 in the morning. It was Jorri's friend Hannah - "Jorri is in trouble, come quick" we walked in and found Jorri moaning and balled up. Another kidney stone courtesy of James and his genetic side of the equation. We acted quickly grabbing Jorri and heading to the nearest Emergency room. To be honest, I was mad!

I was mad because this was happening again. We had spent a good deal of time, money, and pain the summer before on kidney stones. And I was just sure this was going to ruin the trip we had spent a small fortune on. Mad because I was awake at 4:00 am -no coffee, not wise. And mad mostly because Jorri had not taken the warnings of her doctors the year before seriously and had put on weight, not drinking enough water, not taking care of her diet, and here we were about to spend at least hundreds of dollars in the ER again!! I was worried this would happen every year the rest of her life, and that was not okay with me. No one should go through that!

So, at 4:15 am, in the Sutter Hospital ER with a woman who was being guarded by police screaming at the top of her lungs in the room next door, Jorri, James, and I had a serious talk! We laid it down. This kind of life was unacceptable; we loved her and cared about her too much for this to happen anymore. She had to take control of her diet, her weight and her life. We would provide her any resources she needed. We would be her life support team, but she needed to own it. She needed to decide that her life would not be like this!! I 'm not sure if is it was the kidney stone, or the hard discussion, but tears were shed, agreements made, and we all 3 left the hospital that morning determined that this would not be her life!

Cut to last weekend, Jorri had auditioned and been selected to be a featured soloist at the Jazz Band fundraiser, her show choir was performing as well. So James and jumped in the car and went up to Pocatello to see her sing. This fund raiser is a very fun concept. They serve dinner in one section and have auction items in the other section, and then have the jazz band performing in the center - like Dinner theater with a dance floor.

We walked in unsure what to expect when suddenly there was Jorri all smiles, and confidence twirling around and hugging us with joy and happiness. We almost didn't recognize her; 25 pounds lighter both inside and out. She was simply lighting up the room. Long gone was that awkward girl, who was trying to find her place - a confident beautiful lady with a voice in her place. When she took the stage to sing, a giant cheer rose from the crowd and the dance floor immediately filledfor her jazz solo, and later it filled up again for her up tempo - It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing - she owned the micro, the room and our hearts. I was looking at her and thinking - When did Jorri Become Dalycia LaFosse ?- But she was her, and it was amazing, confident, and magical.

Later that evening her proud, puffed up dad James was able to dance with her during one of the last numbers that evening. It brought tears to my eyes as I watched them 2 step on the dance floor. Radiant Jorri Beaming Dad. Like a fairy tale from one of those books she loved. I felt proud. Knowing full well all the credit was hers. She had made it out of being “Jenn” ed I love Jorri, all of her – From the top of that blonde head to the tips of her tapping toes!! And at least in this story – They all lived happily ever after – Even the evil step mother – me J

10 Rules to Being a Good Parent and Raising Good Kids

This is a new blog series I am trying out – So here is the first rule, with a set-up for why I will be blogging about this for the next 10 sessions.

Yesterday Kennedy came home from school, as she often does, with a story about a particular classmate or friend that is going through something horrible in a specific relationship.  I listen, as I usually do – and at the end of these conversations the question is always asked –“Do her parents know about this?” It reminds me of the movie Hook – When the little girl shouts at Captain Hook as they are leaving Never land “You need a Mother, very, very Badly!!”  This leads Kennedy and me to a discussion about “good kids” and so Kennedy and I tried to name all the “good kids” we know. Here are the criteria:

-          Must be true to their values (whatever those may be)

-          Must give their talents 100% of their effort

-          Must be able to sit quietly when they need to – without electronics

-          Must be able to interact and talk with adults

-          Must be respectful to their parents, teacher, and leaders/coaches

-          Must say Please, and Thank You – without being reminded 85% of the time

-          Must surround themselves with other good kids and friends

-          Must be a leader of “doing the right thing” – even when it isn’t popular

-          Must be tough and not complain or whine or cry about silly things in public

I realize this list seems pretty basic – and you would think the number of “good kids” would simply roll off our tongues with ease. But here is the thing – We had a pretty hard time coming up with 10 good kids. The top 5 no problem – and surprisingly we both thought of the same kids. So we tried an experiment we asked James the same question – out of the blue, without the benefit of the previous discussion – He named all of the same kids – and was only able to bring 2 additional that we hadn’t thought of, to the table.

Now – Here is the disclaimer – I am not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. My children are not perfect – We have our fair share of drama, fights, calls from the school, calls from other parents, embarrassing situations, counseling, inappropriate behavior, etc. It takes tremendous work to raise good kids – but despite our massive short comings -We have developed a set of rules to guide our parenting – and maybe because Mother’s Day is just around the corner, or because I haven’t blogged very much lately – or frankly I am fed-up with problem children – who just need a mother (and father) very, very badly – Here are my rules. Take them or leave them, for what you will.

1- Responsibility: I have not been to a parent teacher conference for Kennedy since the 7^th grade. I went, because I thought I was supposed to. I stood in line, I made my way to the front and when I spoke to each teacher they would ask me, why I was there? I would say “Well, aren’t you suppose to tell me about Kennedy?” and they would say –“She has an A, she does her work on time, she is respectful, what else would you like to know?” Seven times we went through this same conversation that day.  And after I said to her – “Guess what Kid, from now on, you own your grades!” and I haven’t been back since. And guess what happened – she owned her grades. She now goes to parent teacher conference on her own.  As you can imagine this throws off her teachers who would like to know “Where are your parents?”  She always smiles and tell them that she is responsible for her own grades, and that I am not planning on attending class or doing her homework – So, do they have anything they would recommend she work on or areas that they feel she should give more attention too? And they are free to give her feedback. Now I must say – that should Kennedy fail a class, or do less than her best work – This arrangement may change –but as long as she continues to be responsible, I continue to trust, and hence next month she will be graduating from High School with an advanced diploma. Kennedy loves to be in ownership and responsible for her own life. Even though sometimes that means she has to do scary things (pick a college, travel and study abroad alone, manage her money, etc.)  That other parents do for their children.

Next a responsibility story about Jackson. Jackson as everyone knows is a baseball player with a capital B. He loves baseball from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He has been lucky enough to have some pretty amazing coaches and mentors throughout his tenure as a ball player. Last year we were down in Saint George at a baseball tournament. This particular game was against the Horns. We were behind and needed 4 runs to tie the game and keep going. When Jackson got up to bat, the bases were loaded. And Jackson was given the sign by Dusty  to “take a pitch” – What this means in baseball is that no matter what happens when that ball come down the pipe from the pitcher to catcher – you just watch it go by, you don’t swing, no matter how good it is!! Jackson saw the sign, he knew he what he was supposed to do, and then in a moment of pure ego – he simply decided to ignore it.

 When that ball came down the pipe – He swung as hard as he could – Foul Ball hard left. I could see the look in Dusty, Rod, and James’s eyes. They were out of their minds angry!!! They depend on Jackson to do the right thing – which is whatever they decide he is going to do – and he had blatantly ignored them. They all threw their hands up and with a “What are you doing?” look – and he knew in that moment – he had let them down. The next pitch comes in beautiful, and Jackson turns on it sending it out to the right/center fence – A triple – scoring 3 and giving us a chance. I know in the end we lost the game, but all the fans were” high as a kite” on Jackson’s hit. Jackson was high – thinking for moment that a triple would take away the responsibility of the ignored sign.

After every game the team is rounded up by the coaches and they go to a distant spot in the field to have a team meeting. Parents do not hover nearby at these meetings – For they are between the players and the coaches – Generally they are fairly positive and point out all the great stuff that happened in the game, and occasionally they have major scolding’s, for lack of focus or sloppy play. In this meeting – One of the coaches actually called out Jackson and told him, if he ever did that again he would be off the team. Later in the car, Jackson “got it” coming and going from James and I – we had a huge discussion on respect and responsibility, and how being a member of a team meant it wasn’t always about you. How the coaches know best – and he owed them both a huge apology – because we doubted they even wanted him to play for them anymore. (Yes, we laid it on a little thick) So Jackson decided that he wanted to call and apologize right then. So James got out his cell phone –and through tears he could barely contain. Jackson called both Rod and Dusty and apologized. Owned up to what he did to both of them. Told them he would never let it happen again, and that he hoped that they would accept his apology and let him still play for the Chasers.

Both of Rod and Dusty could not have been kinder to Jackson. They both assured him that no matter what they loved him. Jackson respects these men so much, that this assurance was like the release of a pressure value as tears poured from his eyes and he listened as they both thanked him for owning up to his mistake, and for taking responsibility.  They told him they admired his bravery, and that they appreciated the call – which they both knew, was extremely difficult for Jackson to make.  

It seems like a small moment, an ignored sign, in a ball game, of 9 year olds. But it was actually a pivotal moment for Jackson. This moment, this taking responsibility, is something that sticks with him every single day. Now – I can tell you he certainly hasn’t been perfect since that day – But what I do have now is a kid who is generally first to admit he blew it, he made the mistake, he is sorry, he is responsible.  

So folks who are reading this blog, I encourage you to make your children responsible. And here is a list of the upcoming topics we will cover in this series:

-          Be their Best Friend and Worst Enemy

-          Find and Develop their Talents

-          See Your Children for who they really are

-          Develop their Inner Voice

-          Give them the Most Opportunities

-          Treat them as Adults/Expect More

-          Introduce New things and Different Cultures

-          Freak Out about the Small Stuff, so it never becomes the big stuff

-          Discuss Everything!!

Much Love - Jenn

To Kennedy on Her 18th Birthday

This is going to sound like a confession to some, it isn’t a confession – It is the truth , in all its unflattering glory.

It is incredibly difficult to be my child. Well Jackson would not share that assessment, but Keaton and Kennedy – and even Jorri would say - being my child is probably harder than most anything else in their lives. I demand perfection. I watch movies like – The Devil wears Prada – and I am the devil. I have no tolerance for anything less than perfect. My version of perfect. What’s worse – I don’t have the patience to explain what perfect is to my children, they simply must divine it, out from the clues that they should be picking up, as they watch me sprint through my life.

It’s Kennedy’s birthday today. She turns 18. She is no longer my baby, and frankly has not been for a very long time. For she had the misfortune of being born in a time in my life where I did not like children – I still don’t  - unless you are particularly pretty, or smart, or have some amazing talent or amusing trait. When she was born I could not wait for her to grow up, so I could deal with her. And so grow up she did. She has probably been 18 since she was 8 years old. That was the year I decided we were done with toys, so I boxed them all up – never to be seen again. I know – I look back at that and think – how dreadful.

Kennedy was the most beautiful baby in the world. Truly – people would say – “I want to hold the pretty baby” but her temper was mine. When mothers say to their daughters “I hope you get a child just like you” – well it worked, at least at first – I could not even take her out to grocery shop without her throwing a fit and attempting to kill strangers who tried to sooth the miserable child. Keaton to this day has a scare on his hand he got from Kennedy when she was a baby. I would call my mother and cry and say “I think this baby needs an exorcism”. My mother knew and understood – and would try to console me with kind words of “It won’t always be this way” We used to put her to bed at 6:00 in the afternoon. Our neighbors would say – Where is the daughter you lock in the basement ?(her room was in the basement)  They were joking – it wasn’t a joke – she was in the basement – to give her mother a reprieve until tomorrow.

But then when Kennedy was about 4 years old – there was a miracle that occurred – She had what my mother and I like to describe as a personality transplant. She became a very sweet and loving girl. It literally happened overnight – it took awhile for us to trust it was even happening  - we held our collective breath, until one day, we began to trust it. It is this Kennedy who toughed it out being my child. Being my child means you deal with being told the absolute brutal truth all the time. Which means, I don’t tell you what a great job you did at dancing, if you really can’t dance, or what a fantastic soccer player you are, if you can’t play soccer – there is no positive reinforcement for something you did not do well. It should be said for the record – James is the absolute opposite of me – He never fails to find the positive – I fail all the time.

Kennedy is amazing in spite of having me as a mother. Kennedy is willing to try and fail, and try again. She is the girl who sits by the kid at lunch that doesn’t have anyone to sit by. She is the one who notices pain in others and tries to ease it. She is the confidant and counselor of many. She is a warrior for right, not the religious, dogma created right, the right of “What is the right thing to do right now?” Right! She is Brave with a capital “B” – She talks to strangers, she asks for what she wants, She walks on Fire!!

She is smart, the kind of smart that comes with really earning it, the kind that overcomes dyslexia to take harder classes, to pass AP exams at a higher level, to debate both sides of an issue – and win. She is the kind of smart that is published. She is the kind of smart that sees her future and makes decisions to support her goals. She is smart enough to see her potential and work it. She is everything I could have been at her age, and wasn’t.

Kennedy is charitable, she has a heart the size of Texas – She can’t stand for someone to have their heart broken, or their dreams unfulfilled. She will plead the case, ask for the donation, go out on the limb, because she knows she has everything – and can give, and serve and inspire – so she does. She visits, and laughs, and teaches.

Kennedy is funny, laugh your guts out funny. She will talk in accents, tell a story, walk us through – hit the punch line. She is goofy and willing to laugh at herself. She has phrases, and facial expressions, she will do the embarrassing thing, and laugh when she screws up.

She is without a doubt the best sister ever!! She will lug the equipment, sit in the stands, run to the store for team treats, cheer her head off, care about every player, pick up, drop off, console, celebrate, and support every single sport that Jackson plays. She also helps with homework, and explains the problem,  She is the “life support team” for Keaton – who may need something shipped, or to be driven or to be picked up – not only that, she worships her brothers, who she would defend to the death if needed.

She is the type of granddaughter that will drop what she is doing to go help with a Party, or gardening, or a technology issue – She is interested and curious about everything. She adores her grandparents, she is their buddy, their go to gal, their – let’s bring Kennedy along – they enjoy her too. She takes care of their feelings and praises them, and thanks them in just the right moments. She is grateful to be their grand daughter – They ground her to who she is, she is theirs!

But most of all – She is my daughter! An extension of my soul, my best reflection.  I was laying in bed this morning pondering this day – This day she came to me – The gift of her – The luck I had at getting the best daughter, the one I would choose again, and again, and again. And  my heart broke – because she is no longer mine – All done, all perfect!

I love You Kennedy – I am so excited for the rest of your life to begin – It will be Amazing, because you are Amazing, and that is what happens to Amazing People like You!!

-          Love ,Mom

10 Reasons I Hate Orphans –

1-     They are incredibly difficult to sell. I mean it – Really hard!! People love babies – they will buy babies until the cows come home, - but Orphans, they want to test drive them, and kick the tires, they want discounts, and warranties. It is really hard to move an Orphan – and when I look at the stock of orphans, there are always more waiting to be sold. You never feel like you are on top of it with Orphans.

2-     They make your real children look bad. That’s right! You thought you were perfectly happy with your own kids – You know, the ones with all the advantages, and privileges – the ones you made from scratch – but then the orphans show up, and they act like everything you do is so wonderful,  and they are grateful for every little thing – and they clean up after themselves and want to just spend time with you – and suddenly your children look quite dreadful – with their complaining and whining – and not appreciating all you do for them.

3-     Orphans make it really hard to believe that your problems are real problems – It’s terrible – you have a bad day because you got stuck in traffic or someone cut you off at the grocery store line, or maybe you can’t go out to dinner because money is tight – And then the Orphans show up, and they have never been to a grocery store – and their idea of gourmet food is having a hamburger – and they eat ½ of their food – and save the rest for later, or their friend who may not have any food. It’s dreadful – it puts your whole life into perspective – and makes you look petty and small.

4-     Orphans make you question your spending priorities – no really they do – That morning cup of gourmet coffee, or the new pair of cute shoes you just had to have, just seem silly compared to saving a life – It is horrible – You come home to your closet full of clothes and you look at the 10 black shirts you have – and you start to think – “oh no, I may have wasted a ton of money – that could have gone to save a life” This is one of the worst ones – because it makes you worry that you may not be a good person.

5-     Orphans make you question your friendships – It’s crazy – You thought you had a ton of friends that would always be there for you through thick and thin – and if you were to go through a divorce, or get in a car accident – they probably would be – but just start talking about orphans – and good gravy you find out what the hearts of the people around you are made of – and in some cases – you may find out your friends are not worth having.  

6-    Orphans are exhausting - Orphans make you talk to all sorts of people that you have never met before – and what is worse – you find yourselve having really intimate and authentic conversations with these new people – It is absolutely exhausting  being so vulerable and real all the time – and then those people say things to you like “Oh, Jennifer – you are doing so much” – This makes you feel even more tired because you know about  the 10 black shirts and the expensive haircuts.

7-     Orphans are expensive – I mean really expensive. You would think that they would be free or cost less than regular children – but no, orphans have processes, and paperwork, red tape up one side and down the other – To get the orphans you have to travel to countries that aren’t known for their sunny beaches, or site seeing desitinations, that require you to stay in those countries for who knows how long – and that can cost a fortune – and even worse be fraught with the unknown.

8-     Orphans have terrible teeth – It’s true, they are just terrible, full of cavities, and crooked – sometimes they are stained brown by cigarette smoke (because cigarettes make you feel less hungry) or black tea (the caffine tricks your body as well) Apparently orphans don’t get regular dental care- so if you have genes that are less than stellar in this department – Well too bad for you.

9-     Orphans are addictive – They might be up there with herion. Really they should come with a warning from the surgeon general. Something like “Warning, Orphans are dangerous to your heart, and can cause obessive thoughts of placement, and fund raising – and should be avoided at all costs”  I was blissfully unaware prior to hosting my orphans – I feel like my orphans may have just been a gate way drug.

10-  And this is the most important one – Orphans break your heart!! They do!! They get right in there and break it right open. Your heart physically aches, and no matter what you do, it will ache forever, because like I said in #1 – There are always more orphans. So you are left with a broken heart, that you go around trying to mend by doing everything you can think of to save just 1 life. And you hope, that although your efforts will never be enough, that they will make a difference.

I know that I am starting to come off as a multi-level marketeer. You know who they are in your life – because you used to be friends with them, and then they bought in to some MLM scheme that is going to save your life with vitamins or tonics – and you just need to recruit 3 of your best friends to share this opportunity with. I know, I know – I dropped my friends who do that too – because suddenly you have to explain why you don’t want to get rich quick.

But here is the deal on this one. I am not trying to get you to sign up for anything. You don’t need to tell your friends, or go to meetings. In fact most of the time – you can ignore me, or ignore my posts, and when I start blogging about something new – I promsie to let you know – but today, in this moment. I am helping people I have never met, raise money for children I don’t know – because it is the right thing to do, because my heart has been changed, because I promised, and because if I can make a difference – I have too!!


If you are looking to help in some way - message me at:

jpowersjohnson@gmail.com

Much Love – Until next time - Jenn