A Parenting Note: The Truth about Lying and Freedom

The Necklace, The King of the Mountain, and The Video Evidence

When I saw the necklace on the ground of the empty classroom, it caught my eye. Gold and shimmering in the sunlight coming through the window. It was after school and I was waiting for my friend to get done with her "on air" radio assignment with our High School station. I went over and picked it up. Simple really, just a flimsy gold chain with a heart that hung from the bottom. I looked around - there were no girls in the classroom, I opened the door and looked down the hall. No girls down the hall. Satisfied that I had done my due diligence I took the clasp, undid it, and put it around my neck. Not one to wear jewelry often, I kind of forgot about it quickly. It was just a quick moment and then it passed. The necklace cheap and light around my neck.

I see now, the right thing to do would have been to turn it into the High School lost and found. That literally never occurred to me. It just didn't seem to have any value, something I would not have gone crazy looking for. So I did not turn it into the lost and found. I simply shrugged it off and put it around my neck and forgot about it. Ah, the decisions of a 16 year old who thinks they know everything.

A few days later my mother got a phone call from Evelyn. Evelyn was a large and daunting woman of over 6 feet tall. She and her husband owned the premier realty business in town. They lived down the street from me. Everyone we knew lived down the street from me. These were the days of small town Orem, everyone knew everyone. Your father either worked at the Steele Mill (Geneva) or BYU and soon the people would all work at Word Perfect or Novell. At least that what it seemed like to me. And then their was Evelyn and Mr. Evelyn - These giants (literally) that ran the buying and selling of homes in our small town.

Evelyn called to tell my mother that I had stolen Liz's necklace. My mother knew I was not the type to steal anything. I may have been a troubled teenager, but stealing really wasn't in my wheel house. So she assured Evelyn that she would ask me about it and get back to her. I remember the conversation happening in our entry way at the bottom of the stairs going up to my room. It was presented to me like this "Evelyn just called and said the strangest thing, she is accusing you of stealing Liz's gold necklace." My mother stated incredulously, She didn't even ask me about it, I literally had to scan my mind and figure out what she was talking about. "I did not" I stated matter of fact! It was true, I hadn't stolen the necklace, I had found the necklace.

But the that is where the truth stopped and the lying started. I was so offended at being accused of this crime I didn't commit - There was no way I was going to give Evelyn that satisfaction of thinking she caught me. So I lied, "This was a gift from Jenn" I stated, as I suddenly realized I was wearing the necklace, "She is confused. Why would I steal her necklace?" And being late for a haircut appointment I walked out of the house, got in my car and drove to the hair place. My mind racing all the way there. Why hadn't I just told my mother that I found it? Why did I have to win in that moment? I quickly realized that I was completely screwed on this, so I tried to develop a plan. Part 1 - Get Jenn to back up my story that the necklace was a gift.

After the haircut I found a quarter in my ashtray and went to a pay phone and called her. You remember pay phones? You put a quarter in and then called a number you knew by heart, and the people on the other side picked up because there was no caller id yet. As I counted the rings I thought "please be home, please be home" on about  ring number four, one of the 8 kids picked up the phone and I asked for Jenn. Jenn came on the phone and I explained my terrible predicament - when I was finished explaining this crazy situation with all the win/loss nuances Jenn wanted nothing to do with it. She just could not understand why I couldn't just tell my mom the truth, how the truth would not set me free but put me instead with a score of Evelyn 1 Me 0 (Can you tell that Evelyn and I have history. This is just 1 of many Karmic connections between us)

My plan having completely unravelled ( I read this now and think, my goodness I certainly wasn't very committed to getting out of this ) I knew the only thing to do was drive home and tell my mother the truth. The truth was awful for both of us, for she had already placed the call defending me, and now here I was telling her the story and I had lost all credibility. Evelyn would win that day. I would lose not just my mother's trust, but some of my integrity.

I was thinking about this story because a few weeks ago Jackson had a rough day at school. He has a nemesis there. Remember that swimming pool/lake game called King of the Mountain? Where there is a floaty type thing and who ever can stay on top and fight off others trying to knock them off is declared King. Well this kid is determined to knock Jackson off the imaginary mountain. He has gone to great lengths to get Jackson knocked off a mountain that most of the time Jackson is unaware that he is on. Great lengths include constant teasing about girls he likes or doesn't, teasing about his weight or who he plays for or with. Excluding at recess, the boys will be boys stuff. Guess how many times I have called the school and complained? Zero! At our house we teach you how to fight your own battles. And we are generally looking for what our children are doing to have magnetized this lesson into their lives.

It's always fun when your kid gets hauled into the principal's office to defend their behavior the day of parent/teacher conference. It really cements your feelings of how great your parenting techniques are working ;) Jackson had just that type of day. The boy in question had made the very believable claim that Jackson had punched him on the bus. I say believable because Jackson quickly becomes backed into a corner and feels the fight or flight reflex when his words run out or the taunting of "fat" and "slow" mix with late nights of sports and not enough sleep. He is competitive and will resort to his fists if that will cause him to win.

I was out of town, I am usually out of town during parent/teacher conference, because other than Kennedy once she got to junior high, they tend to make me feel uncomfortable and judged. Some moms are awesome at helping their kids in school. I am not one of those moms. Jackson called me (no one from the school) and told me about the meeting with the principal and the accusation and then he promised me up one side and down the other he did not punch that kid. I wanted to believe him, I really did, but in all honesty I didn't. I just didn't have faith in his self control. So I told him the necklace story and how sometimes it is better to tell the truth instead of win. But still he maintained his innocence. Unlike the necklace story this one had a Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) twist. They have video surveillance on the buses to and from school. The principal had ordered the tape!!

James went with Jackson to parent/teacher conference that night and it went pretty well all things considered! He has the best teacher yet in his short lived academic career. She sees Jackson - not just as a big kid who should have a waiver you must sign to play with him because chances are you may get hurt, even if he doesn't mean too - but as an incredible heart and giant spirit!! She gets him!! And for Jackson that is the biggest gift you can give him. James and I love her!!! They talked about his nemesis, and how Jackson was at fault as well for always taking the bait, and doing his fair share of dishing back. And she assured him she still thought he was great! After that part, James decided it might be a good idea to stop by the principal's office.

Jackson and James went right in and sat down. James explaining that he heard there may be trouble with Jackson and how he wanted to help if he could. The principal is also a big fan of Jackson's - I attribute this to Dewey the Dragon. Draper Elementary has a mascot named Dewey the Dragon. Every time the PTA or school holds a fundraising event or Fun Run, etc. They drag out Dewey and march him into every class and get each grade excited about the event. The lower grades really love that mascot, and he really hams it up and gives them a show. The costume is hot and awkward and guess who fits into it perfectly - Jackson. So Jackson and the principal are pretty close.  So when James went to talk with her she basically said, "I didn't call you because Jackson and I worked it out. He told me his story and I believe him, and if another parent hadn't complained, well, we would not have ordered the tape."

The tape, the tape, the tape!! James gave it another go with Jackson, explaining how he would still love him even if he hit the kid, but better to come clean about it now then to have the video prove him guilty. Jackson earnest eyed searched his soul and doubled down again holding firm to his innocence. James and I talked later that night and he said "Well, I sure hope that tape comes back in his favor because he certainly believes he is innocent" I hoped too!!! For the next 5 days on and off we kept taking a run at him, Did he remember anything? Anything to confess? Jackson held!

On the last day we needed to check him out for a baseball tournament in St. George. I went in and they called Jackson in from recess because the 5th grade was outside. When he came back inside the principal was also walking down the hall towards the office. Principal Riddle to Jackson "Good day today buddy?" "Yeah" says Jackson smiling because he is leaving early. I realize in that moment this is the principal (Yes, I realize good mothers probably know who the principal of their child's school is -Did you not catch the not awesome part above?) I turned to her and introduced myself to her and asked the big question "Did you get the tape back from the district yet?" Holding my breath for the answer...........

"Oh," she says, practically breezy "Yeah, that came back a couple of days ago. They had 2 different people review the tape, and there was absolutely nothing on there. I forgot to call you or tell Jackson because, well, I knew he was telling the truth" I exhaled. I have never been so happy to hear the news that my kid was telling the truth in my life! CSI Draper had cleared him :) "I told you!!" he said. "Yes I said I should have believed you" I apologized.

A few nights ago at around 9:45, when Jackson was suppose to be asleep he came out to where James and I were watching television and said "Dad, can you have Mom come back and talk to me?" It was something in his voice they made me go back there instead of telling him to stop stalling and go to sleep. I went back to his room and got in bed with him and snuggled up. He had some things he needed to get off his chest. All the soul searching about the other situation had brought up some secrets he had been keeping. Small things, silly things, but he needed to tell me about them. So I listened and gave him absolution and at least today - The truth has set him free!!

Much Love - Jenn

10 Rules to Being a Good Parent and Raising Good Kids

This is a new blog series I am trying out – So here is the first rule, with a set-up for why I will be blogging about this for the next 10 sessions.

Yesterday Kennedy came home from school, as she often does, with a story about a particular classmate or friend that is going through something horrible in a specific relationship.  I listen, as I usually do – and at the end of these conversations the question is always asked –“Do her parents know about this?” It reminds me of the movie Hook – When the little girl shouts at Captain Hook as they are leaving Never land “You need a Mother, very, very Badly!!”  This leads Kennedy and me to a discussion about “good kids” and so Kennedy and I tried to name all the “good kids” we know. Here are the criteria:

-          Must be true to their values (whatever those may be)

-          Must give their talents 100% of their effort

-          Must be able to sit quietly when they need to – without electronics

-          Must be able to interact and talk with adults

-          Must be respectful to their parents, teacher, and leaders/coaches

-          Must say Please, and Thank You – without being reminded 85% of the time

-          Must surround themselves with other good kids and friends

-          Must be a leader of “doing the right thing” – even when it isn’t popular

-          Must be tough and not complain or whine or cry about silly things in public

I realize this list seems pretty basic – and you would think the number of “good kids” would simply roll off our tongues with ease. But here is the thing – We had a pretty hard time coming up with 10 good kids. The top 5 no problem – and surprisingly we both thought of the same kids. So we tried an experiment we asked James the same question – out of the blue, without the benefit of the previous discussion – He named all of the same kids – and was only able to bring 2 additional that we hadn’t thought of, to the table.

Now – Here is the disclaimer – I am not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. My children are not perfect – We have our fair share of drama, fights, calls from the school, calls from other parents, embarrassing situations, counseling, inappropriate behavior, etc. It takes tremendous work to raise good kids – but despite our massive short comings -We have developed a set of rules to guide our parenting – and maybe because Mother’s Day is just around the corner, or because I haven’t blogged very much lately – or frankly I am fed-up with problem children – who just need a mother (and father) very, very badly – Here are my rules. Take them or leave them, for what you will.

1- Responsibility: I have not been to a parent teacher conference for Kennedy since the 7^th grade. I went, because I thought I was supposed to. I stood in line, I made my way to the front and when I spoke to each teacher they would ask me, why I was there? I would say “Well, aren’t you suppose to tell me about Kennedy?” and they would say –“She has an A, she does her work on time, she is respectful, what else would you like to know?” Seven times we went through this same conversation that day.  And after I said to her – “Guess what Kid, from now on, you own your grades!” and I haven’t been back since. And guess what happened – she owned her grades. She now goes to parent teacher conference on her own.  As you can imagine this throws off her teachers who would like to know “Where are your parents?”  She always smiles and tell them that she is responsible for her own grades, and that I am not planning on attending class or doing her homework – So, do they have anything they would recommend she work on or areas that they feel she should give more attention too? And they are free to give her feedback. Now I must say – that should Kennedy fail a class, or do less than her best work – This arrangement may change –but as long as she continues to be responsible, I continue to trust, and hence next month she will be graduating from High School with an advanced diploma. Kennedy loves to be in ownership and responsible for her own life. Even though sometimes that means she has to do scary things (pick a college, travel and study abroad alone, manage her money, etc.)  That other parents do for their children.

Next a responsibility story about Jackson. Jackson as everyone knows is a baseball player with a capital B. He loves baseball from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He has been lucky enough to have some pretty amazing coaches and mentors throughout his tenure as a ball player. Last year we were down in Saint George at a baseball tournament. This particular game was against the Horns. We were behind and needed 4 runs to tie the game and keep going. When Jackson got up to bat, the bases were loaded. And Jackson was given the sign by Dusty  to “take a pitch” – What this means in baseball is that no matter what happens when that ball come down the pipe from the pitcher to catcher – you just watch it go by, you don’t swing, no matter how good it is!! Jackson saw the sign, he knew he what he was supposed to do, and then in a moment of pure ego – he simply decided to ignore it.

 When that ball came down the pipe – He swung as hard as he could – Foul Ball hard left. I could see the look in Dusty, Rod, and James’s eyes. They were out of their minds angry!!! They depend on Jackson to do the right thing – which is whatever they decide he is going to do – and he had blatantly ignored them. They all threw their hands up and with a “What are you doing?” look – and he knew in that moment – he had let them down. The next pitch comes in beautiful, and Jackson turns on it sending it out to the right/center fence – A triple – scoring 3 and giving us a chance. I know in the end we lost the game, but all the fans were” high as a kite” on Jackson’s hit. Jackson was high – thinking for moment that a triple would take away the responsibility of the ignored sign.

After every game the team is rounded up by the coaches and they go to a distant spot in the field to have a team meeting. Parents do not hover nearby at these meetings – For they are between the players and the coaches – Generally they are fairly positive and point out all the great stuff that happened in the game, and occasionally they have major scolding’s, for lack of focus or sloppy play. In this meeting – One of the coaches actually called out Jackson and told him, if he ever did that again he would be off the team. Later in the car, Jackson “got it” coming and going from James and I – we had a huge discussion on respect and responsibility, and how being a member of a team meant it wasn’t always about you. How the coaches know best – and he owed them both a huge apology – because we doubted they even wanted him to play for them anymore. (Yes, we laid it on a little thick) So Jackson decided that he wanted to call and apologize right then. So James got out his cell phone –and through tears he could barely contain. Jackson called both Rod and Dusty and apologized. Owned up to what he did to both of them. Told them he would never let it happen again, and that he hoped that they would accept his apology and let him still play for the Chasers.

Both of Rod and Dusty could not have been kinder to Jackson. They both assured him that no matter what they loved him. Jackson respects these men so much, that this assurance was like the release of a pressure value as tears poured from his eyes and he listened as they both thanked him for owning up to his mistake, and for taking responsibility.  They told him they admired his bravery, and that they appreciated the call – which they both knew, was extremely difficult for Jackson to make.  

It seems like a small moment, an ignored sign, in a ball game, of 9 year olds. But it was actually a pivotal moment for Jackson. This moment, this taking responsibility, is something that sticks with him every single day. Now – I can tell you he certainly hasn’t been perfect since that day – But what I do have now is a kid who is generally first to admit he blew it, he made the mistake, he is sorry, he is responsible.  

So folks who are reading this blog, I encourage you to make your children responsible. And here is a list of the upcoming topics we will cover in this series:

-          Be their Best Friend and Worst Enemy

-          Find and Develop their Talents

-          See Your Children for who they really are

-          Develop their Inner Voice

-          Give them the Most Opportunities

-          Treat them as Adults/Expect More

-          Introduce New things and Different Cultures

-          Freak Out about the Small Stuff, so it never becomes the big stuff

-          Discuss Everything!!

Much Love - Jenn