A Parenting Note: The Truth about Lying and Freedom

The Necklace, The King of the Mountain, and The Video Evidence

When I saw the necklace on the ground of the empty classroom, it caught my eye. Gold and shimmering in the sunlight coming through the window. It was after school and I was waiting for my friend to get done with her "on air" radio assignment with our High School station. I went over and picked it up. Simple really, just a flimsy gold chain with a heart that hung from the bottom. I looked around - there were no girls in the classroom, I opened the door and looked down the hall. No girls down the hall. Satisfied that I had done my due diligence I took the clasp, undid it, and put it around my neck. Not one to wear jewelry often, I kind of forgot about it quickly. It was just a quick moment and then it passed. The necklace cheap and light around my neck.

I see now, the right thing to do would have been to turn it into the High School lost and found. That literally never occurred to me. It just didn't seem to have any value, something I would not have gone crazy looking for. So I did not turn it into the lost and found. I simply shrugged it off and put it around my neck and forgot about it. Ah, the decisions of a 16 year old who thinks they know everything.

A few days later my mother got a phone call from Evelyn. Evelyn was a large and daunting woman of over 6 feet tall. She and her husband owned the premier realty business in town. They lived down the street from me. Everyone we knew lived down the street from me. These were the days of small town Orem, everyone knew everyone. Your father either worked at the Steele Mill (Geneva) or BYU and soon the people would all work at Word Perfect or Novell. At least that what it seemed like to me. And then their was Evelyn and Mr. Evelyn - These giants (literally) that ran the buying and selling of homes in our small town.

Evelyn called to tell my mother that I had stolen Liz's necklace. My mother knew I was not the type to steal anything. I may have been a troubled teenager, but stealing really wasn't in my wheel house. So she assured Evelyn that she would ask me about it and get back to her. I remember the conversation happening in our entry way at the bottom of the stairs going up to my room. It was presented to me like this "Evelyn just called and said the strangest thing, she is accusing you of stealing Liz's gold necklace." My mother stated incredulously, She didn't even ask me about it, I literally had to scan my mind and figure out what she was talking about. "I did not" I stated matter of fact! It was true, I hadn't stolen the necklace, I had found the necklace.

But the that is where the truth stopped and the lying started. I was so offended at being accused of this crime I didn't commit - There was no way I was going to give Evelyn that satisfaction of thinking she caught me. So I lied, "This was a gift from Jenn" I stated, as I suddenly realized I was wearing the necklace, "She is confused. Why would I steal her necklace?" And being late for a haircut appointment I walked out of the house, got in my car and drove to the hair place. My mind racing all the way there. Why hadn't I just told my mother that I found it? Why did I have to win in that moment? I quickly realized that I was completely screwed on this, so I tried to develop a plan. Part 1 - Get Jenn to back up my story that the necklace was a gift.

After the haircut I found a quarter in my ashtray and went to a pay phone and called her. You remember pay phones? You put a quarter in and then called a number you knew by heart, and the people on the other side picked up because there was no caller id yet. As I counted the rings I thought "please be home, please be home" on about  ring number four, one of the 8 kids picked up the phone and I asked for Jenn. Jenn came on the phone and I explained my terrible predicament - when I was finished explaining this crazy situation with all the win/loss nuances Jenn wanted nothing to do with it. She just could not understand why I couldn't just tell my mom the truth, how the truth would not set me free but put me instead with a score of Evelyn 1 Me 0 (Can you tell that Evelyn and I have history. This is just 1 of many Karmic connections between us)

My plan having completely unravelled ( I read this now and think, my goodness I certainly wasn't very committed to getting out of this ) I knew the only thing to do was drive home and tell my mother the truth. The truth was awful for both of us, for she had already placed the call defending me, and now here I was telling her the story and I had lost all credibility. Evelyn would win that day. I would lose not just my mother's trust, but some of my integrity.

I was thinking about this story because a few weeks ago Jackson had a rough day at school. He has a nemesis there. Remember that swimming pool/lake game called King of the Mountain? Where there is a floaty type thing and who ever can stay on top and fight off others trying to knock them off is declared King. Well this kid is determined to knock Jackson off the imaginary mountain. He has gone to great lengths to get Jackson knocked off a mountain that most of the time Jackson is unaware that he is on. Great lengths include constant teasing about girls he likes or doesn't, teasing about his weight or who he plays for or with. Excluding at recess, the boys will be boys stuff. Guess how many times I have called the school and complained? Zero! At our house we teach you how to fight your own battles. And we are generally looking for what our children are doing to have magnetized this lesson into their lives.

It's always fun when your kid gets hauled into the principal's office to defend their behavior the day of parent/teacher conference. It really cements your feelings of how great your parenting techniques are working ;) Jackson had just that type of day. The boy in question had made the very believable claim that Jackson had punched him on the bus. I say believable because Jackson quickly becomes backed into a corner and feels the fight or flight reflex when his words run out or the taunting of "fat" and "slow" mix with late nights of sports and not enough sleep. He is competitive and will resort to his fists if that will cause him to win.

I was out of town, I am usually out of town during parent/teacher conference, because other than Kennedy once she got to junior high, they tend to make me feel uncomfortable and judged. Some moms are awesome at helping their kids in school. I am not one of those moms. Jackson called me (no one from the school) and told me about the meeting with the principal and the accusation and then he promised me up one side and down the other he did not punch that kid. I wanted to believe him, I really did, but in all honesty I didn't. I just didn't have faith in his self control. So I told him the necklace story and how sometimes it is better to tell the truth instead of win. But still he maintained his innocence. Unlike the necklace story this one had a Crime Scene Investigation (CSI) twist. They have video surveillance on the buses to and from school. The principal had ordered the tape!!

James went with Jackson to parent/teacher conference that night and it went pretty well all things considered! He has the best teacher yet in his short lived academic career. She sees Jackson - not just as a big kid who should have a waiver you must sign to play with him because chances are you may get hurt, even if he doesn't mean too - but as an incredible heart and giant spirit!! She gets him!! And for Jackson that is the biggest gift you can give him. James and I love her!!! They talked about his nemesis, and how Jackson was at fault as well for always taking the bait, and doing his fair share of dishing back. And she assured him she still thought he was great! After that part, James decided it might be a good idea to stop by the principal's office.

Jackson and James went right in and sat down. James explaining that he heard there may be trouble with Jackson and how he wanted to help if he could. The principal is also a big fan of Jackson's - I attribute this to Dewey the Dragon. Draper Elementary has a mascot named Dewey the Dragon. Every time the PTA or school holds a fundraising event or Fun Run, etc. They drag out Dewey and march him into every class and get each grade excited about the event. The lower grades really love that mascot, and he really hams it up and gives them a show. The costume is hot and awkward and guess who fits into it perfectly - Jackson. So Jackson and the principal are pretty close.  So when James went to talk with her she basically said, "I didn't call you because Jackson and I worked it out. He told me his story and I believe him, and if another parent hadn't complained, well, we would not have ordered the tape."

The tape, the tape, the tape!! James gave it another go with Jackson, explaining how he would still love him even if he hit the kid, but better to come clean about it now then to have the video prove him guilty. Jackson earnest eyed searched his soul and doubled down again holding firm to his innocence. James and I talked later that night and he said "Well, I sure hope that tape comes back in his favor because he certainly believes he is innocent" I hoped too!!! For the next 5 days on and off we kept taking a run at him, Did he remember anything? Anything to confess? Jackson held!

On the last day we needed to check him out for a baseball tournament in St. George. I went in and they called Jackson in from recess because the 5th grade was outside. When he came back inside the principal was also walking down the hall towards the office. Principal Riddle to Jackson "Good day today buddy?" "Yeah" says Jackson smiling because he is leaving early. I realize in that moment this is the principal (Yes, I realize good mothers probably know who the principal of their child's school is -Did you not catch the not awesome part above?) I turned to her and introduced myself to her and asked the big question "Did you get the tape back from the district yet?" Holding my breath for the answer...........

"Oh," she says, practically breezy "Yeah, that came back a couple of days ago. They had 2 different people review the tape, and there was absolutely nothing on there. I forgot to call you or tell Jackson because, well, I knew he was telling the truth" I exhaled. I have never been so happy to hear the news that my kid was telling the truth in my life! CSI Draper had cleared him :) "I told you!!" he said. "Yes I said I should have believed you" I apologized.

A few nights ago at around 9:45, when Jackson was suppose to be asleep he came out to where James and I were watching television and said "Dad, can you have Mom come back and talk to me?" It was something in his voice they made me go back there instead of telling him to stop stalling and go to sleep. I went back to his room and got in bed with him and snuggled up. He had some things he needed to get off his chest. All the soul searching about the other situation had brought up some secrets he had been keeping. Small things, silly things, but he needed to tell me about them. So I listened and gave him absolution and at least today - The truth has set him free!!

Much Love - Jenn

A Love Letter to Zhenya - Please read and Pass Along

I have everything!! What can I do? What can you do?

My heart has been quite literally bursting since yesterday. Yesterday I agreed to be a host family for 2 of 15 Ukrainian orphans, who are coming to Utah from July 20^th – August 12^th to find a family to adopt them. These children are ages 6 to 15. If they stay in the Ukraine – they will not find a family.  Instead the following is much more likely:

-          At the age of 16 - all of them will be put out of the orphanage –“graduated” from the program. They will not have an education, they will not find a job, they will not be set-up in a place to live, or be given food to eat. They will go from having a bleak existence, to a battle for their very survival. 

-          10% of these kids will commit suicide by their 18^th birthday.  

-          60% of the girls will end up in prostitution to survive. 

-          70% of the boys will enter a life of crime. 

-          Only 20% will find work. 

-          These are the kids that human traffickers target and exploit. 

I agreed to host in a moment of “ pleasing”- I do that - agree to help someone out- there is a tone in their voice that sounds a certain way, I am a sucker for it. I agree to things without thinking about the cost. But there is always a cost – sometimes financially – but generally there is an emotional cost.

It was like that yesterday – the tone, the agreeing without thinking – I didn’t even run it past James. Funny how - The right thing to do, just is - The right thing to do.

After I agreed to host – I had a moment to let it settle in. Wait!! – Who was I hosting? Did they speak English, how does this all work? I turned to the only resource for this information I could think of Zhenya (prounouced Jen-Ya) She had been one of these orphans, and a little over 3 years ago was adopted by my aunt and uncle. I immediately contacted her and this was her story:

She had been living in the orphanage for 2 years, after several years in foster type care. Both her mother and father were dead. It’s not important how they died, let’s just say it wasn’t in a manner that makes you sympathetic to their cause. She has an older sister who is living on her own, a grandmother, a grandfather, an aunt – none of them stepped up to take this girl. She was, at the ripe old age of 8, on her own.

One day, when Zhenya was 12, she was called into the office at the orphanage and told that she and a group of orphans had earned a fieldtrip to Keiv!! My goodness that was exciting. She had never been to Keiv before. They were told they would leave the next day, and to pack a few things. When I say a few things – what I mean is - this is a girl who had never had a new pair of shoes, did not have a closet full of clothes – She had what had been donated. What the orphanage gave her. I look in my own closet and see a 100 pair of shoes on display, like in a store – Most of which I never wear, or have never worn. I think to myself – I have everything!

The next day they took the train to Kiev – “oh, how cool is this” – she thinks to herself. The orphans walk the streets of Kiev looking at the tourist sights, and thinking – "this might be as good as life gets." But wait, there is more – That night the director gathers them around and tells them something very unexpected. They are boarding a plane tomorrow bound for America!!  The director goes on to say – "If any of you don’t want to go, you will not be in trouble – you can get back on the train and go back to the orphanage." At this point in the story – I interrupt and ask – Why would they not want to go to America?

Apparently when Zhenya was a little girl, her grandmother had told her that when people go to American – they are essentially kidnapped and sold for body parts, ie: liver, kidney – and to make sure she never went.  She very much had that in the back of her mind – but the siren song of being one of the “coolest kids” at school was too much to turn down. She had visions of walking the halls being “the girl that went to the states” – So she did not get back on the train – and instead embarked on an adventure.

She was the oldest of this group of orphans. They ranged in age from 6-10. With Zhenya coming in at a whopping 12 years old.She had a suspicion this might be an adoption trip – she had seen children go on them before – but Americans like younger children – kids that still have a shot at being fixed – not her, she was too old, too broken. So she thought the joke was on the director – She was going to have a grand trip out of this – and then have that memory when she came back forever.

They landed in San Francisco – late at night, not speaking English, where most of the children found their way into the homes of potentially adoptive parents, for 3 weeks of “getting to know you” time.  This gives the parents a chance to essentially test drive the kid – Make sure they are a good fit, before making a commitment.  I look at my children – who are, by all accounts amazing – none of them were given a test drive prior to being part of our family – and I think - I have everything!!

Zhenya, however is not quite as well planned for as the rest of the orphans – the person who had set up this trip needed to scramble at the last moment, to get someone to take her overnight. She leaves the airport with a stranger – promises from the director that she will not forget her. 48 hours prior she had been in the orphanage in the Ukraine. She is on high alert and scared to death.

The next day a nice woman who has hosted orphans before comes and gets her, and takes her home. The house has labels on the drawers in her native language to tell her what is inside them. She feels more at ease, she doesn’t dare open the drawers. She doesn’t go open the refrigerator – She eats when the woman eats. Later that evening the woman pulls up her laptop and shows her pictures of Debbie and Rob Jolley and their children (this is my aunt and uncle) She cries as she reads her an email in English, and shows her the pictures. Zhenya, who does not understand English - has never seen tears of joy before – she surmizes the people in the picture must be the family of the woman, and perhaps they were killed in a car accident.  This orphan who is too old, and too broken – tries to console the nice woman about her dead family.

Two days later she arrives at Camp – Camp is all the planned activities that the American families have to interact with the orphans in what could be deemed a “natural” environment.  It is a chance to get to know them without a bunch of pressure and expectation. Things like amusement parks, and water slides – the younger orphans are completely sucked in.  The older ones, know exactly what is going on – but who are they to break this magic spell – so they go along. The director constantly telling them – they are not wanted, they are too old, too broken. 

Like I stated before – Zhenya arrives that day at camp to find Debbie, Rob and their oldest daughter Crista, sitting in a room waiting for her. She immediately thinks two things; 1- They look incredibly dressed up and formal. I had to probe this for a moment and asked what they were wearing – She answered - nothing special, it was an attitude, a posture, she had never really seen before, - “very English” and 2- What did they want with her? Quite simply – she could not get her head around why these people – who just a few hours back were the dead family of the woman she was staying with - would fly out to California just to see her?

All the other orphans had things to do, and places to go with their potentially adoptive families – So the director suggests that Zhenya, the director, a translator, Debbie, Rob and Crista spend the day together.  With the safety of people she knew in attendance Zhenya readily agrees – and has one of the best days of her life. They go on a boat ride to Alactraz, and under the Golden gate bridge, they do fun things that tourists do when in San Francisco. It is a practically perfect day.

The following day she arrives at camp – and they tell her she is going to spend that day with the new and strange people alone. No director, no translator. This time she is angry – What are these people trying to pull here? Do they think she is stupid?  She is threatened and cajoled by the director who essentially makes her go with them, making sure she tells her repeatedly, they don’t want you, you are too old, too broken” She is on guard, while trying to act cool and detached.  She enjoys Debbie, can see that Debbie is a nice lady. They shop -buy trinkets and souvenirs.  

At the end of that day they all sit down at a table and discuss how the day went with the translator and director – “Did you have fun?” they ask, Zhenya’s anger comes quickly back. Why are they putting her through this? Why all the questions?  Don’t they know she is too old, too broken? This seems mean now – why do they want her to fly with them back to Utah for a week – What is the motive here – perhaps she is starting to believe her grandmother, and worries about her organs.  In the end my aunt and uncle prevail – and they fly back to Utah to meet the rest of the children in the family.

The next week is spent in what Zhenya would describe as overwhelming attention and activity. Here was a family of strangers who did not speak her language acting like they wanted her desperately to feel welcome and loved. And for her part Zhenya will admit she was positively detached, and suspicious. She was frightened of Rob, whose name she didn’t know, embarrassed by all the attention, and simply could not remember ever being shown love – So she waited for the other shoe to drop, while doing the absolute bare minimum of interaction to get by until she could get back to the orphanage. The orphanage might have been a horrible place where there was no love for her, but at least she knew how to navigate it – This family, this hope, was too much for the orphan who was too old, too broken.

After the week, she and Rob got on a plane and headed back to San Francisco for the rendezvous. Once again she found herself sitting at a table being asked questions. When the time came for Rob to ask the ultimate question – “Did she want to become part of the family?” the director walked around the table – grabbed Zhenya by the arm and took her out of the meeting before she could respond. Once she had her in another room, she scolded her - for the director knew that Zhenya was about to sabotage her chance for a future in an effort to protect her fragile heart. The question went unanswered – The orphans all got back on a plane, and went back to the orphanage. Because just finding a family that wants you isn’t enough, now the real work begins…..(paperwork, money, etc)

I must say, I have a great deal of respect and love for my Aunt Debbie and my Uncle Rob – they combined, probably have one of the largest capacities for love on the planet. For Zhenya is their 6^th adoption.  It is easier, I think to get a child from birth – you can mold them, make them your own. The older ones require love that is willing to be rejected, and keep on loving.  They have undertaken 3 adoptions of children from that region of the world – 3 children who are saved now – who aren’t going to become statistics. Who have a chance, a family, and love. My aunt and uncle are not wealthy people – but instead have shared what they do have with children who have nothing and no one. I think to myself – I have everything!!

7 months later Zhenya is called back to the office at the orphanage for a Dr.’s appointment. Zhenya honestly never thought she would see the Jolley family again. When the director came to the office to get her, she tells Zhenya – When you see the people you are going to see, you better act happy, you better smile, and make them believe that you are thrilled to see them. Zhenya is still unclear who she is seeing – and when she walks in the door that has Debbie and Rob sitting, waiting – she is beyond shocked!! She actually is happy to see them – they kept their promise, they came for her. She was not too old, she was not too broken. They saw past her detachment, and the walls surrounding her fragile heart. They came back!!!

Now the orphans are here again - new ones, that might find families. They are here until August 12th. This group is older than most. With most of the children coming between 12-15 years old, They know what it is like to be without love, to go to bed hungry, to worry about a future that has no hope. These are the children that are too old, and too broken – and they need you, because You Have Everything!!

There is an emotional cost for reading this blog. The cost is now, you know – and you can do something. Maybe for you, doing something is; donating money to help adoptive parents with the cost, maybe it is volunteering to host, maybe it is passing this link to someone with desire to add another member to their family – you may be the link in a chain to a home. But you have everything – So Do Something.

jpowersjohnson@gmail.com

Much Love!! Jenn